Nobel committee "proud" as former peace prize winner prepares new war

The Nobel prize committee today declared themselves "proud" as former peace prize winner Barack Obama seemed prepared to launch another military assault on another nation.

With Syrian president Bashar al-Assad seemingly ready to deploy chemical and biological weapons against his own people, a world that previously couldn't give a shit about Syria has decided that that really would be beyond the pale.

This follows Obama's 'troop surge' in Afghanistan and deployment of military aircraft in enforcing the no-fly zone over Libya during the uprising against President Ghadaffi. In a television interview, Obama said "I have, at this point, not ordered military engagement in the situation. But the point that you made about chemical and biological weapons is critical. That's an issue that doesn't just concern Syria; it concerns our close allies in the region, including Israel. It concerns us. We cannot have a situation where chemical or biological weapons are falling into the hands of the wrong people. We have been very clear to the Assad regime, but also to other players on the ground, that a red line for us is we start seeing a whole bunch of chemical weapons moving around or being utilised. That would change my calculus. That would change my equation."

This has been widely interpreted as intent to develop a plan to launch military action, something recognised by the Nobel prize committee. "We're proud to have given the most easily recognisable award for peace to someone who is planning to embark on a third conflict overseas and have commissioned a special award to commemorate the expected launch of an offensive on Syria", a member of the awards committee told us. "Should it go ahead, President Obama will set a new record for the number of armed conflicts launched by a Nobel peace laureate, in no way conflicting with the ideals and intentions of the prize."

"It's said that satire died when we gave the award to Henry Kissinger", said our insider, "but this shows that we're prepared to dig up satire's rotten corpse and give it the kicking of a lifetime if we feel the need to".

Russian gold in Predictable Trial Outcome

The final event of the Olympics was won by Russia, five days after the official end of the games.

Faced with a stiff challenge from neighbours Ukraine - who jailed former Prime Minister Yulia Tymoschenko on trumped-up corruption charges - and new Asian challengers Bahrain, for locking up human rights activist Nabeel Rajab, former Predictable Trial Outcomes champion Russia needed a big play to regain their crown.

They found such a play in the Pussy Riot trial, one universally slated as irregular and unfair, on charges of holliganism motivated by religious hatred. The PTO judges scored it highly on the spurious nature of the charges, the lack of time for a defence to be mounted and the concealment of the real reasons to punish the three defendants. All of these contributed to a highly predictable outcome, coming with a high degree of difficulty.

Ukraine took silver with the highly predictable Tymoschenko outcome with Bahrain taking bronze. Both entries scored highly, but fell down on the difficulty aspect with judges saying "there's predictable and then there's bleedin' obvious. Bahrain just weren't trying hard enough to be convoluted. I mean, human rights activist in a Middle Eastern kingdom ruled by an autocratic family? Yaawwwnn".

Russia expect to defend their title strongly in four years time, but are openly wary of some strong contenders coming through. "It's the Saudis we fear most", said the Russian chef de mission, "who will probably lock a woman up for having one toenail slightly longer than the decency police determine it should be. We're very happy to have won this gold, but realise competition is only getting stronger all around the world".

Government advisers to attempt reverse psychology

Civil servants and independent government advisers, fed up of having their advice ignored or over-ruled, are to try using reverse psychology to persuade ministers that they should be listened to.

After Professor David Nutt was removed from his post on the Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs for giving independent advice unpalatable to a previous regime, it transpires today that Education Secretary Michael Gove has ignored the School Playing Fields Advisory Panel five times in the last fifteen months, more than in the previous nine years. Civil servants and appointees to these advisory panels have finally had enough and are to start using new tactics to get their recommendations listened to.

A representative of civil service union PSCU told us "our members are completely fed up of being over-ruled, undermined and sidelined by ministers. As such, we've drafted new guidelines with the help of our members in order that more of their carefully researched and independent advice is more likely to be acted on".

The guidelines show that ministers behave a lot like children, so threatening to deny them pudding should they not sit quietly and listen is one tactic. The naughty step, so beloved of modern parenting guides, is also to be a sanction should advice go unheeded. But these are retro-active, only coming into effect once the minister goes against the recommendations that his/her office is payig for, so the more radical idea is to use reverse psychology to try to get the advice at least acknowledged in the first place.

"The plan is to describe the diametric opposite scenario of the one that the research shows to be the wiser course of action", the PCS representative continued. "So when we advise Michael Gove not to sanction the flogging off of a school playing field, we'll say 'selling that field off and depriving the kids of somewhere to exercise and do sport in the way that the government have said should be available is exactly the right thing to do'. Given his track record, he's bound to do the exact opposite and leave it open. If only David Nutt had recommended that cannabis definitely, absolutely be upgraded to a new class A*, he might still be in a job and sense might have prevailed in the hysterical world of drugs legislation".

Drawbacks are sensed though, with capricious ministers suddenly having a moment of clarity and beginning to listen just as the new guidelines are put into place. "It's a risk", our insider told us, "but would that be any worse a situation than we're already in?"

Popular baby names show Olympic influence

The list of most popular names for newborns in the UK released this week shows that the Olympic games had a significant influence on parents. British success on two wheels, on the water and on the track saw sharp rises in a number of names not normally on the list alongside the more traditional Olivers and Olivias.

For boys, the new top ten is:
1. Bradley
2. Wiggo
3. Sideburns
4. Danny Boyle
5. Phelps
6. Brownlee
7. Pendleton
8. Omnium
9. Sir Chris Hoy
10. Team GB

Among those dropping down the list are Boris, Cameron, Relay and Phillips Idowu.

For girls, the top names are:
1. Jennis
2. Ye
3. Na
4. Missy
5. Dressage
6. Clare Balding
7. Ohuruogu
8. Mo
9. Farah
10. Dame Kelly Holmes

The new least popular name is Yu Yang while others dropping down the rankings include Jessie J and Australia.

Minister under fire for 'cash in hand' comments`

Treasury minister David Gauke came under fire today after suggesting that tradesmen explicitly offering discounts for cash was "morally wrong" during an interview on yesterday's Newsnight.

Consumer groups reacted angrily saying that cash payments were often more secure for single-person operations as there's no chance of cash bouncing and the imminent phasing out of the cheque will add a level of complexity to the process. "Demonising all cash tansactions is inherently anti-small business, the very group the government profess to support", said a press release from a small business representative body.

Gauke hit back strongly, telling our reporter "Clearly what I was driving at was that deliberately avoiding tax is wrong. What should happen is that the tradesman sets up an Employee Benefit Trust in the Cayman Islands with himself as one of the named directors. Then you as a consumer can transfer money into that and the tradesman can then draw down loans from the trust in lieu of wages at zero interest and with no obligation to repay. That's how I pay my cleaners and it creates jobs for accountants. It's good, honest British tax avoidance and not weaselly, shameless evasion".

A spokesgobshite from tax-averse lobbyists the Taxpayers Alliance said "blah blah blah tax, ooh, no thanks, blah blah".

Experts baffled by Chinese economic slow-down

Market analysts around the world expressed bewilderment at the latest economic figures coming out of China and fear for the impact of these numbers on fragile economies around the world.

"Having seen double-digit growth for quite some time now", an Asian market analyst told us, "we naturally assumed that this would go on for ever and ever and ever. Now it seems that high rates of growth eventually plateau, as if they were starting from a really low base or something and were effectively playing catch-up to more developed economies. I mean, how were we supposed to see that coming?"

The figures are forcing a rethink on what China and other rapidly developing economies may be able to achieve in future. "We'd based all our assumptions of how global markets work on China - and others like Brazil and India - growing at a rate of above 10% for the remainder of history. That's what all our sums are based on. Now that we have evidence that limitless growth is not just unlikely, but impossible, we haven't got a clue what to do", concluded our analyst.

The Chinese themselves remain unruffled. "You may not be able to buy our exports", an official government statement read, "but we still own your ass anyway, suckers".

Berlusconi backs campaign to free Russian protestors

Media mogul and former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi yesterday became the highest profile backer of a campaign to free jailed Russian protestors Pussy Riot.

Nadezhda Tolokonnikova, Ekaterina Samutsevich and Maria Alehina – all members of the anarchic Pussy Riot punk band – have been in prison since March, held on charges of hooliganism which could eventually mean a seven-year sentence, after attempting to perform a protest anthem inside Moscow's most important Orthodox church, Christ the Saviour cathedral. But with no trial date set, no signs that they will be released and opposition to Putin spreading, support for the trio has grown, even among those who at first condemned them.

The campaign to free the trio has been gradually gaining ground across all sections of Russian society and beyond into the wider world with support from one-time Beastie Boy Ad-Rock and punk band Anti-Flag. The hashtag #freepussyriot has been trending worldwide on Twitter, and it's on this that Mr Berlusconi responded to in declaring his support.

Asked by our reporter why he supported the expansion of democracy in Russia, Mr Berlusconi "I'm supporting what? I thought it was..... Oh, never mind".

South Korea whaling plan "in name of science"

South Korea is proposing to hunt whales under provisions made for scientific research, echoing the programme of near neighbour Japan.

There are several stocks of minke whales in the area which the South Korean delegation to the International Whaling Commission (IWC) said they plan to conduct research into, something which the New Zealand delegation said "borders on the reckless".

But Joon-Suk Kang, head of the South Korean delegation, said the programme was necessary to answer questions about minke whale stocks that non-lethal research has been unable to solve. "We need to make proper assessments of whale stocks", Joon-Suk told the commission, "like which wine goes best with minke whale carpaccio. If you can tell me that without killing a minke whale... well good luck to you sirs".

Australia's Donna Petrochenko took the same line as the New Zealanders, saying "this is commercial whaling, pure and simple". Joon-Suk was unbowed, claiming "nonsense. This is valuable scientific research. Valuably delicious research, yum yum yum" as he licked his lips and rubbed his stomach.

Celebrations at CERN on discovery of new FIFA rankings

There were celebrations today at the CERN laboratories beneath the Swiss countryside as, after months of research and peer-checking of results, they finally found evidence of a FIFA rankings list that has England in fourth.

Lead scientists explained to the press that readings with a deviation of 5 sigma at 126.5GeV, it was very likely that this was indeed a FIFA ranking which had England at number four in the world. "It shows all the signs of being a [world ranking of four]. A deviation of 5 sigma means - in the simplest form - that we're 99.999% sure that we have what we think we have", chirruped ubiquitous TV physicist Brian Cox.

Others were more guarded, especially in light of similar experiments that initially showed particles moving faster than light. "We need to check, cross-check and then check the cross-checking to be absolutely certain", one researcher told us. "I mean, it just sounds implausible."

"We've found this ranking using techniques tuned to the Standard Ranking Model", Tomasso Dorigo, scientist on the CMS experiment said. "A different ranking may have stepped in, but it's very unlikely in my humble opinion".

The finding of the so-called 'god ranking' is said to be fundamental to our understanding of how FIFA rankings are compiled.

Queen prepares for historic handshake

The Queen is in Belfast today where, in an historic symbol of accord and reconciliation, she is to shake the hand of Deputy First Minister and former chief of staff of the IRA Martin McGuinness.

The handshake between the two has been variously described as "historic", "hugely significant", descriptive of "a life beyond conflict" and "just a fucking handshake".

We asked two-time major golf championship winner and handshake enthusiast Greg Norman for an insider's analysis of how the handshake will go. "It's important Her Majesty gets the stance right", the Australian right-hander told us, "as all the power is generated through a solid base. Get that wrong and you may end up with a limp effort that ends up doing more damage to a delicate situation as it could be interpreted as an insult."

The Shark went on to describe atmospheric conditions that could hinder a successful conclusion to the handshake. "She has to take account of the wind, make sure she good palm-to-palm contact. I remember the 1993 Open championship and closing out my round with Berhard Langer. A sudden gust from the north-east almost blew my hand out of the way like I was doing that childhood prank of pulling it away at the last minute. That almost caused a diplomatic incident, but like the pro he is, Bernhard read it and adjusted at the last moment to complete a successful shake".

The handshake is thought to be a standard three pumps and release, no clasping of second hand over the top and any move by McGuinness to give it the bear hug on the back of it is likely to prompt a swift and decisive response from the security services. "The best plan for McGuinness", Norman ended by telling us, "is to take his lead from the Queen on this first one. If they decide to go for it again, then maybe some extra affectation may be possible. I'd stay away from the fist-bump though. The Queen hates that".

Greek depression further delays Parthenon completion

The deep financial depression in Greece has seen the date of completion of the Parthenon in Athens put back even further.

Construction of the temple to the goddess Athena was started in 447BC, but today it's still half-built and there is little evidence of recent construction activity on the site. Chief architect Kallikrates told News Arse about the difficulties facing the Greek construction industry. "Our contractors went bust approximately 2470 years ago and many more have gone to the wall since. Inflation is all over the place, so contractors can't price jobs with any accuracy, so we find it difficult to get a commitment to a long term project like this as the price a year - a month - from today could be wildly different. I mean, a couple of frescos when we started this project was a few hundred talents - now, many millions of euros".

"With prices rising and wages under pressure to stay down" Kallikrates continued, "it's also hard to find labour and retain it. Skilled labour the sort of which we need to finish the marbles that will be pinched for some other country's museums is also hard to find given the cost pressures that are on the job".

Despite all the issues facing the Parthenon project, it's still expected to be cheaper and less late than the rebuilt Wembley stadium in London.

Big liar lies about lying to parliament

A big fat liar who tells lots of lies today defended himself from accusation that he lied to parliament by lying.

Jeremy Pinocchio, the culture secretary, came up with the outrageous lie "I did not lie" during a debate instigated by Labour that calls for an investigation into whether Pinocchio broke the ministerial code over contacts made to News Corp by his special adviser Jiminy Smith.

Accused by the opposition of having pants which were "on fire", Pinocchio countered that while they were definitely warm, smoking a bit and had what appeared to be flames coming out of them, he hadn't deliberately set them on fire and that was all alright then. In closing and responding to questions about his advisers, Pinocchio told the house that "Jiminy Smith is a man of great integrity and that's why he had to resign".

In an unrelated matter, Pinocchio had earlier told the house that the Olympics were scheduled to come in almost half a billion pounds under budget. "This is fantastic news" said Pinocchio, "despite the fact that the total spent is four times what the initial bid said we'd spend". He claimed this showed that Britain can deliver big projects on time and to budget. "It's something we can be proud of, just like Wembley, the Milennium Dome, all our military procurement and Crossrail. All delivered to time and budget".

Pinocchio's nose is 42".

U-turns help government in 'greenest ever' pledge

When the UK government was formed in 2010, the coalition agreement contained the claim that it was going to be "the greenest government ever". These pledges have fallen by the wayside as a concentration on economic and fiscal policy and making sure the proles are as miserable as possible has overridden any other concern. But new figures released by the department for energy and climate change (DECC) show that is now being reversed and the UK is on target to meet it's emissions requirements.

"By wiring government into the National Grid", said Sir Bernard Lightson, chief civil servant to DECC, "we've been able to use the power generated by the constant u-turns to increase our renewables capacity by 20%. This has knock-on effects in reducing our reliance on supply of oil and gas from overseas with resultant budget savings and increasing the security and reliability of supply".

Criticism has been raised that, like wind, u-turn power is intermittent and cannot be relied on to supply demand when most needed. Sir Lightson responded, saying "we believe there is an inexhaustible supply of power to be gained from this source, and with fixed terms introduced, there'll be plenty of u-turns to generate electricity from until at least 2015."

U-turn tax proposed by Treasury

A new tax on U-turns is being proposed by the Treasury as it seeks to plug the gaps appearing in the figures as a result of the number of U-turns performed by the government over the mosr recent Budget.

A senior civil servant in the Treasury told us that the plan would raise the same as the abandoning of levying VAT on hot baked goods, the reduction in the proposed rate of VAT on static caravans and the reversal of the proposal to allow people of offset tax against charitable donations. "By levying a flat fee on every member of the Cabinet every time they go back on something previously announced", our source told us, "the economy should be back in rude health by Q3 this year as we're anticipating a number of other reversals of their fucking stupid ideas in the near future".

The number of U-turns have left many people unsure where they stand, but our insider unpicked them for us. "It's really very simple. There's now no VAT on baked goods unless they're stored in such a way as to keep them warm rather than allow them to cool naturally" he told us. "That means you can eat a warm pasty inside a cold static caravan and offset that against your charitable giving, but only if you've got a buzzard's nest in the garden. However, a cold pasty inside a warm static caravan is VATable at 20% or 15% if you give a buzzard to charity but only then if the buzzard is cold. No, wait, hang on...." he said as he disappeared back into 1 Horse Guards Road muttering something about having to carry a pheasant.

Britain prepares to go fucking mental

With the warm weather forecast to extend throughout the weekend, Britons are expected to go fucking mental.

The hot weather will see pasty-white people trying to get burned to a crisp by the rarely-seen burning disc in the sky - known to other nations as 'the sun' - by shedding a lot of clothes and not preparing properly.

Many will be try to get food poisoning by eating half-cooked chicken off the barbecue prepared by someone far too pissed for the job while others will bypass the potential of burning their homes and gardens down by skipping the food element and just getting absolutely pissed, like a warm version of New Years.

Health and safety campaigners have urged caution from the populace, encouraging them to only go fucking mental in moderation.

Hunt "behaved impartially" despite memo

Culture secretary Jeremy Hunt was defended today by the Prime Minister after an explosive memo was revealed to the Leveson inquiry.

The memo relates to the purchase of biscuits for Cabinet meetings, a task previously in the hands of Vince Cable, the business secretary, but he was stripped of the role after being caught by a newspaper sting. Mr Cable was caught on tape saying how much he hated custard creams. This clear bias against the custard cream meant he could no longer order biscuits impartially. The responsibility was then handed to Hunt who then proceeded to order custard creams by the hundredweight.

The controversial memo revealed that Hunt had expressed, through his advisers, to the Custard Cream International that he favoured their product and would see to it that everything would be done to ensure their product would be the biscuit of choice.

Eschewing the really hard interviews, the Prime Minister chose to go on ITV's hard-hitting news - definitely news and not celebrity froth peddling - show Daybreak to support his colleague. "Jeremy [Hunt] acted completely impartially when selecting the biscuits. He may have said in this memo that he preferred the custard cream, instructed his aides to ease the path with the manufacturers, negotiate concessions which would avoid the need for competition queries, but after I gave him the job of selecting the biscuits, he put all of that to one side and acted completely impartially.

"I had to take Vince Cable off the job because of his unguarded and unwise comments, but Jeremy Hunt's comments were irrelevant because after he made them, he acted totally differently", he continued before adding "besides, nobody at Custard Creams International seems to remember anything about any of this, so happy days".

Immigration figures trigger action

Net migration to the UK dropped in the year to September, according to figures released by the National Audit Office, but only by 3,000 with the overall number remaining over 250,000.

The government have targeted a reduction to 100,00 per year by the end of this parliament in 2015, a target that now looks as far away as ever, but welcomed the drop however small it may have been. "The fact that there has been a reduction is positive", a junior Home Office official told us, "but such a small drop is disappointing".

Pressed to explain why this oft-stated target is unlikely to be met, he continued, saying "we've made life as miserable for people all throughout the nation, so we're very surprised that emigration was only 348,000 for the recorded period. Rest assured that what we're planning on doing in the near future will piss off a far greater number of people such that they'll soon decide that their future lies overseas. Phase 2 of the plan is for those emigrants to constantly piss and moan about the shitstorm they've left behind and then none of those bloody foreigners will want to come here in the first place. Job done."

Student visas were down 62% for the first three months of this year compared to the same period last year, something immigration minister Damian Green was quick to seize on. "This shows that us stopping paying for education can have a big impact on numbers coming into the UK from outside. Wait until they get to hear about what we're doing with the health system and employment law. They'll soon think twice and go somewhere nice instead", he xenophobed.

Anti-immigration thinktank Migration Watch UK said that the government needed to take "tough measures" to tackle the "unnacceptable" figures. "Urgh, foreigners", said their chairman Sir Andrew Green.

News Arse to rebrand

In a statement to the City, News Arse proprietor Sir Babbington Arsington-Newsly told shareholders that, following Yell's transformation into 'hibu', the company is to rebrand.

Yell, listings company and publishers of the Yellow Pages, announced yesterday their rebrand to the entirely invented word 'hibu' which a spokesman said is part of a plan to forge  "an identity to tell our story".

News Arse have hired the Steve Hilton Blue-Sky Workshop of Vienna to come up with a snappy title that will push the premier newsgathering website firmly into the second decade of the milennium.

A press release from SHBSV said that "we asked ourselves what it is that users want in online news and came to the conclusion that the key lay in the online - the method of news delivery - was more vital to the way users see the brand than the actual news itself. We wanted a snappy title that meant the most to the connected, online generation Y. Something really zeitgeisty and we think we've achieved that."

Sir Arsington-Newsly unveiled the new name, saying "While it's sad to lose the callback to the Arsington-Newsly name that has adorned the publication from it's early days of the pamphleteers, through the print world and now into online only, I and the board recognised that while tradition has it's place, it's also important to grow with our key demographics and respond to their needs while ensuring we stay ahead of the game. It therefore gives me great pleasure to reveal that, from now on, we will be going by the name Premier League XXX Mega Porno Superstore".

The new branding is subject to shareholder approval, but expected to go through with few issues.

Party donor writes policy paper that supports business ideals - calls critics 'Commies'

Rapacious vulture-capitalist, asset-stripper, loan-shark and Conservative party donor Adrian Beecroft, asked by the Conservative-led government to write a policy paper, has produced a report backing rapacious vulture-capitalism and asset-stripping.

The veracity of the report, which recommends poking employees with electic prods until they either work harder for less money or quit, hinges on the figure of £50bn-worth of growth in the economy that is being held back by not implementing the reforms Beecroft suggests. Critics suggest that, given the total lack of any evidence for the £50bn claim, any economic theory underpinning the figure and the fact that it appears to have been plucked out at random undermines the whole report. Others have said that getting party donors to draft policy is an absolute scandal of the first water and that paying to push for initiatives that support ones own business model is worse than the expenses and lobbying scandals that have hit parliament recently put together.

Beecroft himself was unapologetic and rounded on critics of his report. "I was asked what I'd do to boost business and as soon as I suggest sacking workers for no good reason, these pinkos start whining. We could really use a Senator McCarthy figure to weed these damn reds out". He elaborated on his own business practices and what he's been able to take from that and add into the report. "Having been stung for £150,000 for sacking an employee for no good reason, I learned quickly that removing the regulations regarding unfair dismissal would be an instant cost saving. Then I could sack anyone who didn't like the way I charge people over 4000% on loans and hire replacements on lower wages in a race to the bottom. And anyone who doesn't agree that that's good for business and employees is a big nasty leftie, nyaaar".

An opposition spokesperson countered Beecroft by saying "I think it is very odd that a venture capitalist has been put in charge of employment law review and yet appears to want to do very little to support employees". Again, Beecroft was largely unabashed in his response, saying "Look, I paid good money to my mates to be allowed to write this stuff so that I can do business the way I want without any nouveau-Soviet ringpiece sticking their oar and tell me it's unfair."

Plans for state-funded nannying "not nanny state" says Cameron

Coalition plans to introduce state-funded nannying are "in no way a return to the nanny state", a defiant David Cameron told critics today.

At the launch of the Can Parent initiative - something Steve Hilton phoned in before he disappeared to California in an attempt to 'find himself' - the Prime Minister denied this was in any way a case of government involving itself in things he'd previously said that goverment shouldn't be involved in.

"I may have spent years in opposition complaining about Labour interfering in people's daily lives, but this is completely different. This is government getting involved in people's entire lives, even before they're born." He continued, saying "it's a totally different ideology. Labour are wedded to the idea of a centrist state and their ideas on this same issue come from that. I'm coming at it from the perspective of saying and doing anything so people are momentarily distracted from the fact that I keep blaming the Eurozone for an economic mess when they're not in recession and we are. It's completely different."

"This is not the nanny state", he concluded, "but a state service instructing people in the art of nannying. It's totally different".

Mr Hilton was unavailable for comment as he was roller-blading down Santa Monica beach whilst wearing a stupidly small pair of cut-off jeans.

Greece set for more elections

A third and final round of talks in Greece following indecisive elections have failed to come to an agreement over a coalition with the major parties at loggerheads over the details of the EU rescue package for the beleagured Greek economy. New elections are being sought, the fifth time Greeks have been asked to go to the polls since the 2008 economic crash and the second this year.
"We just love democracy so much in Greece" said professor of politics Kostas Panathinaikos of Piraeus University. "We gave it to the world, but we still love it so much. A lot of people are drawing conclusion from the last two elections that we're indecisive and don't know what we want. Thr truth is that democracy is very much entwined in the Greek psyche and we just love it, everything about it. We could have had four different governments made up out of the people we voted for last time, and the time before that, but we want more elections".

Classes are being run in schools and colleges to refine electoral technique. "Despite the number of recent elections", Professor Panathinaikos continued, "it always pays to hone your technique and of course there are new potential voters at every ballot who may feel a crash course is needed to survive among the more experienced voter".

Whatever the outcome of the next vote, uncertainty remains over the ability to form a stable government, but Professor Panathinaikos does not see this as an issue. "There are divisive issues that these elections are being fought on which makes the prospect of a unity government difficult to achieve. We wouldn't have it any other way. We just love democracy that much".

Virginia block appointment of gay judge

The state of Virginia was plunged into an equality row after Republicans on the state general assembly moved to block the appointment of a prominent local prosecutor, Tracy Thorne-Begland, to a position as a district judge.

While serving in the navy 20 years ago, Thorne-Begland came out as gay. Republican delegates on the general assembly argued that as this violated military rules - rules which have subsequently been discredited and abandoned - this makes him unsuitable to hold public office, but Jennifer McClellan, the Democratic delegate for the area in which Thorne-Begland lives, said that was an unfair representation as he'd been honourably discharged from the military twice.
The finger then points at out-and-out prejudice, and our reporter in Virginia spoke to prominent Republican activisits to find out more. One told us "If we appoint a gay judge, all his judgments will be gay. We want criminals going to jail and do hard time, not to watch musicals and decorate homes with tasteful decor. We don't want anyone in a position of power forcing us all to be gay"

Another said that "he's a man and he's called Tracy? I mean, what's up with that? Next he'll be forcing us all to have girls names and wear pink. That's what the Democrats want". "If God had meant for us all to be equal, then why did he make us all different?" countered a third.

The decision cannot now be overturned until next January as the assembly has been dissolved for the year and would be incumbent on Thorne-Begland's desire to renominate.

England crash out of Euros

The England national football team crashed out of the European Championships, held in Poland and Ukraine, just over three weeks before the tournament started after a devastating loss to public reaction to the announcement of the squad on Twitter.

Thousands took to their keyboards within seconds of the naming of the 23-man squad - plus five on standby in case of injury - that will travel to the tournament and the reaction has been such that England have decided they might as well not bother and have crashed out without the inevitable quarter-final defeat on penalties to Italy in Donetsk.

Moments after the final name had been read, '#Hodgsonout' began to trend on Twitter and the immediate response from the FA was to pull the side from the competition. Spokesman Phil Suit said "We feel we have no option after the reaction we've seen but to withdraw. In effect, we lose our three group games 3-0 by default and are out of the tournament already without all that mucking about with training facilities, kicking balls, boring press conferences and something to do with John Terry being a massive helmet".

This is thought to be the earliest any side has been knocked out of the competition since Greece withdrew over 'Tzatziki-gate' back in 1964.

News Arse archives: Witch slams Salem Prosecution Service for charges

In Salem, Massachusets, suspected witch Banshee McHarridan slammed the local prosecution service for charging her with witchy offences saying it was a "weak and unjust" decision to level the charges and dismissed the day's events as an "expensive sideshow and waste of public money".

Speaking outside her solicitor's office, McHarridan said she could not express how angry she was that the rest of her coven had been "unfairly dragged into this".

The decision to bring the first charges in the long-running witchcraft investigation, Operation Mass Panic, had been announced earlier by Magistrate Samuel Sewall, of the SPS, in a high-profile outdoor statement, the lawyer said, in the interests of "transparency and accountability". McHarridan, however, condemned the live broadcast as "the further unprecedented posturing of the SPS".

McHarridan and her husband revealed they were to be charged some 10 minutes before the SPS live announcement on Tuesday morning. They promised they would make a further statement after attending the police station. They did that shortly after 5pm outside their solicitor's office.

Looking tired, McHarridan said: "Whilst I have always respected the criminal justice system, you have to question whether this decision has been made on a proper impartial assessment of the evidence. Although I understand the need for a thorough investigation, I am baffled by the decision to charge me. However, I cannot express my anger enough that those close to me have unfairly been dragged into this. As the details of the case emerge people will see today as an expensive sideshow, and a waste of public money as a result of this weak and unjust decision."

Standing next to her, Mr McHarridan raised doubts that his wife would get a fair trial. "There are eight police officers, about the equivalent of eight sheep-rustling squads, working on this; so it doesn't surprise me that the pressure is on to prosecute, no matter how weak the cases will be," he said. "I am confident that the lack of evidence against me will be borne out in court, but I have grave doubts that my wife will ever get a fair trial, given the volume of biased commentary which she has been subject to."

He also condemned the decision as "an attempt to use me and others as scapegoats, the effect of which is to ratchet up the pressure on my wife, who I believe is the subject of a witch-hunt".

The local constabulary said all twenty-nine defendants were released on bail to appear at Salem magistrates on 13 June. Where they will be hanged.

In the courts: Brooks and Mladic face trials

Serb warlord Ratko Mladic begins his trial in The Hague today where he stands accused of war crimes, including orchestrating the massacre of 8000 men and boys at Srebrenica during the 1990s.

In an outspoken statement to the press, Mladic made a defiant attack on the "weak and unjust" charges levelled against him and expressed anger that those close to him had been "unfairly dragged into this". Looking tired, Mladic said "Whilst I have always fully respected the criminal justice system, you have to question whether this decision has been made on a proper impartial assessment of the evidence. Although I understand the need for a thorough investigation, I am baffled by the decision to charge me. As the details of the case emerge people will see today as an expensive sideshow, and a waste of public money as a result of this weak and unjust decision".

A confidant and co-accused of Mladic added "I am confident that the lack of evidence against me will be borne out in court, but I have grave doubts that my general will ever get a fair trial, given the volume of biased commentary which he has been subject to".

In London, former Sun and News of the World editor Rebekah Brooks was charged along with several others with perverting the course of justice, a charge relating to the hacking of Milly Dowler's voicemail while a police investigation into her disappearance was ongoing. Brooks told reporters that she "doesn't recognise the authority of the court" while criticising the charges as "obnoxious" and monstrous" and that she "does not want to hear a single letter of or sentence of that indictment read out to me". She closed by saying "I was just defending my country newspaper".

Hunt to be placed in actual bucket of shit

The Culture Secretary Jeremy Hunt is to be placed in an over-sized bucket filled to the brim with shit.

This unusual and arcane practise is rarely used these days, but has been part of Parliamentary procedure in England since the early 1400s. A constitutional expert told us that "the placing of the MP in the bucket of shit was often the first stage in stripping them of their role. Later, it became more of an outward symbol of just how badly they'd been doing their job, but in this instance seems more of a visualisation technique. The placing of Hunt in the bucket of shit will give the public an idea of how much metaphorical shit he's been dumped in by successive News International witnesses at the Leveson inquiry".

James and Rupert Murdoch both dumped a lot of shit on Hunt and Rebekah Brooks subsequently piled more on top. The amount of shit Hunt has been placed in - and will be at the bucket-dunking ceremony - is thought to be a UK Parliament record. "Previously", continued our expert, "the shit would come up to the knee, perhaps the waist in extreme cases. For Hunt, we expect it to come up to just below his nose, if he tilts his head back".

The shit-bucket ceremony is expected to provide a highlight to the opening of the Olympic Games.

Health alert sends Wapping into lockdown

A serious health alert has seen the Wapping area locked down for fear of contagion.

Water quality and air conditioning experts are being sent in to the News International headquarters in Wapping to try and trace the source of infection. Structural engineers, airborne disease experts and virologists are also on their way to try and trace the outbreak to it's origin.

Problems have been noted in people who have spent a lot of time in the area and it's thought those most exposed have acquired a degenerative brain condition. This first manifests itself in patchy short-term memory whereby the sufferer can only recall things that either aren't self-incriminating or point the finger elsewhere. Anything directly or tangentially attributable to the sufferer is forgotten.

Other symptoms include endlessly repeating a clearly fabricated story long after it's been discredited and an inability to take facts at face value. Sufferers may also fail to recognise that some things are beyond social norms such as massive corruption, undermining parlimentary process and publishing personal, private medical details.

Anyone suffering any of these symptoms and has spent time in the Wapping area at any point over the last ten years is advised to report to the Leveson inquiry.

LOL not the only acronym Cameron has issues with

In testimony to the Leveson inquiry, former Sun and News of the World editor Rebekah Brooks told how the Prime Minister would sign off text messages to her with "LOL", under the impression it meant 'lots of love'. Of being told it's actual meaning - 'laugh out loud' - Mr Cameron stopped using it.

This  isn't the first or only acronym and/or initialisation that the Prime Minister has got wrong. Other common internet and text-speak abbreviations include WTF - 'what the fuck?', as expression of surprise and alarm - which Cameron thought meant 'World Trade Fair' and had instructed civil servants to get down to King's Cross after seeing a message on Twitter saying "WTF is going on at King's Cross?" It turned out to be a minor traffic incident leading to some queuing. A couple of diplomatic incidents were narrowly averted when Cameron sent messages ending 'PMSL' - 'piss myself laughing' - to world leaders dealing with national disasters. Prime Minister of Pakistan Asif Ali Zardari had to be calmed by aides for hours after receiving a message from his British counterpart after the devastating floods. The message is thought to have read "terrible news about the flooding, PMSL", with Cameron under the impression he had signed off 'Prime Minister sends love".

But it isn't just those commonly used in electronic communications; he also has trouble with governmental acronyms and abbreviations. PSBR - public sector borrowing requirement - has been translated in the head of the country's leader as 'please slash budgets recklessly', while NHS appears to have been interpreted as 'national horse sale'. "On arriving at Number 10", a former aide to the PM told us, "he was adamant that government had no business in the NHS as buying and selling horses was not a key function for the state and instructed us to sell it off forthwith. When we finally explained what the NHS was, we had a jolly good laugh before he told us to go and sell that off forthwith anyway".

US Republicans respond to Obama's support for same-sex marriage

Republican party grandees reacted with fury, astonishment and a little curiosity to President Obama's vocal support for same-sex marriage.

Having spent a lot of time vacillating on the issue, and having teased Republicans further by saying his views on the matter were "evolving", Obama finally expressed his opinion that same-sex couples should enjoy the same rights as anybody else. The President told ABC that "At a certain point I just concluded, for me personally, it is important for me to go ahead and affirm that I think same-sex couples should be able to get married". He said he had been swayed by the service of gays and lesbians in the US armed forces, which is odd as after saying he'd repeal the 'don't ask, don't tell' policy in the run-up to the 2008 election, he then spent two years doing fuck all about it.

Naturally, the Republicans were outraged by the President's comments. "This is typical of the Democrats", said right-wing evangelical nutjob and spectacular point-misser Ralph Reed, "forcing people into homosexual relationships. Any God-fearing American would be appalled at having to shack up with another guy and do whatever it is they do in the comfort of their own homes."

Erstwhile Republican candidate for the Presidency Newt Gingrich said that this was typical of the Democrats and their love of 'big government'. "We in the Republican party believe that government should not be involved in the day-to-day lives of Americans. Except of course when it comes to telling you which bits of you that you are/are not allowed to insert into which bits of which other people". He continued to protest too much, saying "Who does Obama think he is to say that consensual acts between grown adults are not the business of government? He's basically worse than Stalin".

"This is an assault on the traditional marriage", the thrice-divorced Rush Limbaugh hypocrisised as a nation wondered why on earth anything Limbaugh has ever said has been given credence.

Londoners marking 100 days to end of Olympics

Events were taking place across London today, marking one hundred days to the end of the Olympic Games with a new motto unveiled to the public.

Community leaders from across the capital came together to launch the official motto of the end of the Olympics: 'Thank fuck that's over'. A press release issued alongside the motto said "this accurately sums up the feelings of many Londoners. People from every borough have contributed to this project and we really feel there's even more a sense of community after this exercise than before".

Community ambassadors have been appointed and were made available to the press at the launch event. One told us that what she was most looking forward to was "them taking that ruddy great missile battery off the roof of our flats" while another expressed hope at seeing the snipers off the roof opposite leaving and going back to base in Surrey.

For the actual day when the Olympics end, a large display of extended middle fingers will be shown towards the armed helicopters that will have been buzzing overhead for the previous three weeks before a collective sigh before a cup of tea and the first decent night's kip London will have had for some time.

Today also marks 35 years until the cost of the games is paid off.

Lloyds boss aims to corner fraud market

António Horta-Osório, chief executive of Lloyds Banking Group, hit out against fraudulent claims for compensation in relation to mis-selling of payment protection insurance, PPI, the biggest racket going in banking during the 1990s and early 2000s.

Horta-Osório alleges that 25% of claims for compensation submitted by claims management firms are for customers who did not have products with the banks against which claims were being made. "We have to stop this", said Horta-Osório, "this is fraud. This is stepping into an environment that we had cornered with PPI in the first place and I'll be damned if I'm going to stand by and let these fly-by-nights muscle in on our territory".

PPI was sold in large amounts to people who never requested it, bundled up with loans and other financial products. It was sold to people who would never have qualified for it - the self-employed, for example - and was rarely paid out on, so restrictive were the terms. However, selling it in large amounts and never paying out on it swelled bank profits to record highs, masking the true extent of liabilities in other areas such as the US sub-prime mortgage market and complex collateralised debt obligations which helped bring the world banking system - capitalism itself - to the brink of collapse in 2008.

"As head of one of the major banking groups in the UK", Horta-Osório continued, "it is up to me to ensure we maintain a competitive advantage in those fields in which we excel. We excel in fleecing people for everything they've got and splurging the proceeds on yachts in Monte Carlo and we will be working very hard to limit payouts on past frauds while striving to create new ones that won't come to light for a number of years by which time most of the senior executives will have retired to the tax haven of their choosing".

Lloyds Banking Group is 41% owned by the public, something Horta-Osório was quick to asknowledge. "We must never forget the genrosity of the British taxpayer to bail out a failing insitution - a failing industry. And we'll be tapping them up again when our next big scam brings capitalism to it's knees" he concluded before jetting off in his solid gold spaceship.

Hodgson for England: the reaction

With Roy Hodgson set to be named as the new manager of the England mens national football team, a lot of news outlets immediately went to rent-a-quote dog-financier Harry Redknapp for his reaction, some in the seeming belief that it was he who should have been approached by the FA. His reaction largely involved the phrases "triffic", "I like the boy, but he's not my player" and, bizarrely, "I don't hold grudges".

Instead of going to that particular irrelevant opinion, we sought out some other completely disinterested parties for their reaction to the news of Hodgson's appointment.

Philosopher Alain de Botton said that Hodgson is a man who "won't get sucked into that staus anxiety. He's not a man who worries too much about what others think of him; he and he alone will determine whether he thinks he's been a success. This will undoubtedly be beneficial with the rabid English press waiting to stick the boot in". De Botton continued, saying "Hodgson's subscription to Epicurean theories of scientific observation allows him to make dispassionate comparisons of the talent at his disposal. That sounds like bad news for Matthew Upson if you ask me."

Former secretary general of the United Nations Javier Pérez de Cuéllar praised Hodgson's grasp of multiple languages, reckoning that "it shows he's able to be diplomatic and sensitive to the concerns of others". During his time with the UN, de Cuéllar had to deal with the Falklands War, Namibian independence, the separation of Cyprus and the conflict in the Western Sahara. "My ability to communicate across language and cultural barriers helped me tread delicately over dangerous ground. Hodgson has that ability also. This is a good appointment".

Finally, we asked long-dead economist John Maynard Keynes and he told us "it's clear that Hodgson applies my economic theories into football management. I suggest that individual micro-economic decisions that may seem rational in themselves can lead to inefficiency at macro-economic level and I believe that's as true in football as it is in global economic structures. Hodgson strikes me as someone who can take that macro overview and ensure that decisions taken lower down the tree do not interfere with the overall vision". Keynes went on to say "English football can be said to have been in a long-term recession - a depression even - and only this ability to micro-manage at the bottom level without distorting the overall vision is going to get them out of it. Economically speaking, this is exactly the right move".

Kim Kardashian was unavailable for comment, but is said to not hold a grudge.

Murdoch reminds Leveson inquiry who the real victims are

In his testimony to the Leveson inquiry on media standards and ethics today, Rupert Murdoch reminded everyone who the real victims are. "One or two people", he said during his second day of testomny, "took charge of a cover-up which we [senior News International executives] were victim too".

"Naturally, this changes everything", professor of journalism Dr Daley Mayall of the University of the New Age told us after Mr Murdoch concluded giving evidence. "It's clear that the general consensus on all of this has been totally misplaced. While everyone was worrying about what effect News International's actions had on the family of a murdered schoolgirl, on families of dead servicepeople, on members of the public who have seen relationships break down, families fall apart... We were totally off beam and should have been more concerned for the fortunes of those at the top of NI that have stood to lose far more because of the actions of people who were, ultimately, accountable to them".

Lord Leveson intervened several times during Murdoch's evidence to bring the octagenarian billionaire tyrant back on track as he meandered on long lectures about the pernicious evil of the BBC and Google, lamenting the internet and pining for days when it was all fields round here and you could leave your door unlocked. Asked directly about his ideas for press regulation in the future, Murdoch replied "It's like the time I took the ferry to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so I took the ferry to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. Give me five bees for a quarter, you'd say. Now where were we? Oh yeah: the important thing was I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones..." before everyone forgot what the initial question was.

This was reported to be one of Mr Murdoch's top three humblest days.

"No time to change course" says Chancellor

OECD figures released yesterday showed the UK economy slipped back into recession after two consecutive months of GDP contraction.

Grilled by MPs in the House, Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne defended his record and spelled out that his plan was the right one and that this was no time for a change of direction. "Doing precisely what we've done the previous eighteen times is precisely the last thing the economy will be expecting us to do this time", explained the Chancellor. "There is, however, one small problem - that everyone ends up poorer and out of work and the Prime Minister is worried that this may be depressing the population. So we're going to have a jolly good sports day in London in the summer to cheer everyone up."

On receipt of the latest figures from the OECD, the Chancellor is reported to have examined closely the breakdown of figures where construction was particularly hard-hit, largely because of the cancellation of large school-building projects, but this is one area Osborne is keen to keep on pounding into oblivion. "If we keep attacking where the economy is weakest", he told increasingly incredulous MPs, "the economy will think our reconnaisance is a total shambles. This will lull it into a sense of false security and then next week we can attack where the economy is horribly bloated and win the greatest victory since the Winchester Flower Arrangers beat Harrow by twelve sore bottoms to one".

He then put a pair of underpants on his head, shoved two pencils up his nose and left the chamber saying "wibble".

Minister takes full responsibility by sacking adviser

Culture secretary Jeremy Hunt took full responsibility for everything that happens in his department by getting rid of special adviser Adam Smith yesterday.

Hunt told parliament that he "take[s] responsibility for the DCMS as secretary of state, as laid down in the ministerial code. This also states that the secretary of state takes responsibility for the actions of any special advisers appointed by him, and that's why I fired him".

"While I may have had five days of meetings with News Corp executives in the United States immediately before the decision to move for a takeover of BSkyB, while I may have been in direct contact with News Corp lobbyist Frederic Michel, while I may have overseen a department using personal e-mail accounts so that civil servants were kept out of the loop, I can assure the House that sacking one adviser to the department has solved everything and we're absolutely A-OK now, oh dear me yes", concluded Hunt's statement.

Horses call for London Marathon changes

Following the death of a female runner just yards from the finish of Sunday's London Marathon, leading horses have called for changes to be made to the course.

The incident was the tenth fatality at the event since it's inception and the horse community has been quick to condemn the authorities for allowing the event to continue in it's current form. 1992 Grand National winner Party Politics told us that "the course is just too long. We've been saying it for years that it's unreasonable to expect people to run that far. Fatigue simply has to be a factor." The sheer number of participants - around 37,500 people contested this year's event - was brought up by Clan Royal, who finished third in the National behind Numbersixvalverde in 2006. "It's that crowded out there that you can easily get involved in someone else's incident. A reduction in numbers is paramount".

2011 runner-up Oscar Time highlighted the vast differences in ability in the field, saying "it's crazy that you've got some people going out and running it in little more than two hours when some traipse in over three times that. There has to be some sort of vetting procedure to ensure competitors are up to it."

Fifth of French voters do the election wrong

Around one-fifth of French voters woke on Monday morning with a sense of embarrasment and shame as they realised they'd done the election wrong by acting like complete and utter helmets.

The far-right Front National scooped a record 18% of votes in the first round - from a high turnout around the 80% mark - with many people seemingly confused that a party called Front National and led by someone called Le Pen is massively racist. "I feel such a fool" one voter told us. "I was going to vote for someone normal, but my hand jerked at the crucial moment and I ended up ticking the FN box. I'm going to practise my voting technique ahead of the second round in case I miss again and end up voting for that pipsqueak Sarkozy".

Another told us that he'd voted for Le Pen because "I assumed FN had dropped the old racism because this Le Pen is a woman and dresses well, not like her rather shabby father. Now I realise the truth, I am of course tremendously embarrassed".

In order to ensure a more orderly second round, many local councils are offering classes in electoral procedure ahead of the vote. "We will run dummy elections with a supervisor standing with the voter and offer support and advice to the voter", one mayor in a small town in the Dordogne told us. "After our town recorded almost a quarter of votes for FN, we want to ensure our citizens don't make that mistake again".

News Arse local: Mystery surrounds closure of Chinese restaurant

A Chinese buffet-style restaurant in Huddersfield remains shut today, some months after closing due to what a notice in the window says is an "electrical fault". All phone lines appear to be cut off adding to an air of mystery.

Just why anybody would go to a restaurant where food was left out under lights for an indeterminate length of time and why a food outlet with such a poor hygiene record remained open for so long are the big outstanding questions regarding the closure.

We sent a reporter up to the town to gauge local feeling. "They'd cook stuff", a market trader on a stall near the restaurant told us, "then just leave it out on trays for ages. That can't be right. No wonder the place is shut". Others told us of regular reports of vermin during the period the place was open for business, but no-one we spoke to ever admitted eating there. "Frankly", a passing shopper told our reporter, "it's totally baffling. I just don't know why anyone would give a shit".


Got local news needing the News Arse treatment? Let us know on our twitter feed.

Met police to act on racism

After a number of high-profile episodes where the conduct of Metropolitan police officers has been called into question, senior officers are set to unveil a plan to tackle the problem head on.

The latest incident comes as black firefighter Edric Kennedy-Macfoy was allegedly dragged from his car and tasered by officers when trying to report and act of vandalism in the area. This is one of twelve racially aggravated incidents under investigation.

Senior officers have resolved to rectify this situation with immediate action. "We are instructing our officers to act more responsibly and sensitively when dealing with issues where race could be an issue", said a short statement. "Therefore, when such incidents as occurred to Mr Kennedy-Macfoy happen, it is incumbent on the officer involved to seek out a white person, drag them out of their car, taser them when they're walking away and concoct evidence of a crine that didn't happen to try and fit them up for something. And if that doesn't show we're fair and even-handed, nothing will".

Media discover 'fracking' sounds a bit rude

The UK media suddnely became interested in the controersial drilling technique of hydraulic fracturing when they realised collectively that the more common name for the technique - fracking - sounds a bit rude.

"There's all this technical stuff about high pressure water jets creating fissures in rock and causing earth tremors, highly carcinogenic chemicals pumped in to release gas, pollution of aquifers, pollution of the air, the extreme pressure on water resources at a time when half the country is officially in drought and blahdy blahdy blah, but that's really tedious" a newspaper industry insider told us, "but then someone said that they called this process 'fracking' and we thought 'that sounds a bit like fucking' and figured our readers would be interested in that".

Headlines began to crop up the morning after a government commissioned scientific report was released appearing to back the expansion of the technique to release gas in shale rock which, it is estimated, could sate UK demand for many decades, perhaps up to 100 years. The Guardian went with "This is the fracking truth", "Fracking bonanza" was the FT's verdict while the cartoon in the Independent went with "It's not the fracking drilling... It's your fracking budget". The Daily Hate went with "Frack off", the Knee-Jerker with "You must be fracking crazy" and The Express with "Did fracking cause the death of Princess Diana?".

"Basically", said our mole, "it's a lot of pent-up frustration at not being able to put 'fuck' on the front page and this has given Fleet Street some much-needed relief".

Plot of new Tarantino film revealed

Filming is underway on a new Quentin Tarantino film and our film industry insider Spartacus Titanic has been given the lowdown.

Tarantino's new movie is based around an obscure South Korean film from the early 1990s that you've never heard of, or some low-budget spaghetti western from the mid-60s that you've also never heard of. It's been updated to a contemporary style, though set in an indeterminate era, and features snappy dialogue and a hipster soundtrack.

The cast features loads of people you've seen in lots of other Tarantino films and are dressed in appropriately hipster-ish gear, though many question marks over the historical accuracy of set, dress, surroundings and soundtrack remain.

Tarantino will make a cameo appearance and look a bit awkward while doing it and there'll be lots of guns. It promises to be a cracker!

Charities to accept donations not linked to tax offset

UK-based charities have responded to controversial changes to tax allowances by permitting would-be philanthropists to donate without being used as a tax efficiency vehicle.

Changes announced in the recent Budget speech sought to limit the amount of tax relief any individual can claim in total, including tax breaks on charitable giving. Charities, fearing a loss of income as a result, have been forced into a response. A spokeperson for the Charities Commission told us that "we will be instructing our members to start accepting donations from people not seeking to minimise their personal tax burden, but actually believe in the cause and wish to support it".

Previously, charities only sought to attract donors by outlining the potential returns to investors and will now have to change tack completely by "spelling out a cause for which people may be interested in, not because of financial gain, but because they actually care. It's a complete paradigm shift which we'll be helping our members come to terms with" said our spokesperson. "They'll have to shift focus away from creating complex financial instruments and tax vehicles and start thinking about raising money for good causes".

Opening up to democracy "seriously harms" Burma's F1 bid

Formula 1 supremo Bernie Ecclestone told a meeting of motorsport's governing body, the FIA, that Burma's recent elections and slow steps towards democracy "seriously harms" Rangoon's bid to host a round of the world championship.

With Bahrain getting the go-ahead after a glowing report from disgraced former Metropolitan Police chief John Yates of the Yard, it was thought that any regime that didn't clamp down on opposition politicians and a free press and indulge in kidnap, arbitrary arrest, torture, tear-gassing of protests and extra-judicial killings would not be a welcome stop-off for the F1 circus.

"Bahrain exemplifies everything we wish to reflect in the sport", a spokesman for Ecclestone told us after the meeting, "and anyone wishing to be a part of the sport has to adhere to those ideals. Frankly, Burma are going exactly the wrong way about it. There are reasons that we're in China, Abu Dhabi, Singapore, Malaysia and Bahrain and reasons why we're going to Russia in 2014".

Existing hosts of races are also under pressure to apply similar principles with Britain jailing people for posting messages on Twitter and Facebook and the USA maintaining it's record of executing it's citizens, but others are under pressure to do likewise. "Frankly", said the spokesman, "if Belgium don't start locking people up for no reason, then we'll drop them for Saudi Arabia or Swaziland as soon as look at them".

Blair stunned as he remembers all that stuff he did

After admitting yesterday that he had "no recollection" of the rendition of Abdel Hakim Belhaj to Libya during in his time in office, today declared himself "stunned" as someone sat him down and told him about all the things he did in office.

A spokesman for Blair's foundation told this website that Blair was "rocking himself and crying like a baby" when he was told that he'd helped launch two intractable wars with little to no legal or moral basis and that British territories in the Indian Ocean were used as stop-off points as people were snatched illegally and transported around the world for torture. "He kept pleading with me that it wasn't true", said the spokesman, "reckoning that it couldn't possibly be true that he'd done that if they'd ended up making him a peace envoy".

"He remembered stuff about minimum wages and that soundbite in Northern Ireland about 'the hand of history'", Blair's spokesman continued, "but really didn't recall being majorly responsible for riding roughshod over international law with the outcome of such a huge loss of life". Blair was then informed of the massive tent he authorised for the turn of the year 2000 and the swath of disastrous PFI deals that were kept off the government balance sheet. "He just broke down again, weeping 'I don't remember' over and over".

"I daren't tell him about his cosy relationship with News International and what's gone on there lately", the spokesman concluded.

Osborne "shocked" at wealth of rich people

The Chancellor George Osborne today expressed his surprise at revelations that rich people have more money than poor people.

"I was shocked to see that some of the very wealthiest people in the country have substantially more money than some of the very poorest" said the two-time winner of the Eton prize for boy least likely to do sums correctly. "Having seen some tax returns and seeing how little these people paid in income tax, I naturally assumed that they were extremely poor" he said in an interview with the Telegraph.

Osborne also expressed surprise about other things in the interview, such as the Pope's stated religion and what it is that bears do in the woods. "They're actually shitting in there?", he said. "Get outta here".

James Murdoch to "step aside"

BSkyB announced today that non-executive chairman James Murdoch is to step aside.

In a short press release, the pay TV company say that Murdoch, son of News Corp supremo Rupert, will be asked to "step to one side, shortly after being placed next to the edge of Beachy Head. It's the only way to stop him being a complete and utter liability to the company".

This is not the first time Murdoch junior has stepped aside. After the embarrassing performance in front of the culture, media and sport select committee and his subsequent recall, he was relinquished his post with News International and stepped aside. However, the thing he stepped aside off was not high enough and he was able to continue in his role with BSkyB. Now, however, sources tell us they've found something for him to step aside off that will ensure he can no longer do anything that will harm the future of his father's companies.

Ministers plan to do "something" with technology

Ministers today announced plans to do "something" with e-mails and internet communications.

"We want to do something", a Cabinet insider told this website. "One of the senior Cabinet members' son does something with computers so we'll ask him, but none of us really know how these things work". The extent of the lack of knowledge became apparent as the muddy, vague proposals were unveiled.

'We want to look at everything you do online, but not store it anywhere as the word database is not politically expedient after we've buggered up so many other ones' runs an extract from the white paper. Phrases like 'on demand' and 'real time' are thrown in with no clear evidence that it's anything but buzzword bingo. "Look", said our insider, "if we invoke paedophilia - because even paedos use computers - we reckon we can get away with anything. Besides, we've got a big IT budget and we're determined to do something with it, even if we have no understanding of the technology that's around at the moment".

Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg said "I am totally opposed, totally opposed to the idea of Governments reading people’s emails at will or creating a totally new central Government database" and is therefore expected to wave it through with no complaints. Conservative MP for Haltemprice and Howden David Davis is widely expected to resign his seat before winning it again unopposed shortly afterwards.

Coalition policies "massive April fools"

A memo leaked to this website has revealed that government policy has been a huge April fools gag that combined extraordinary planning, but "was completely worth it".

"It's ridiculous", a coalition insider told us, "that so many people actually believed all that bollocks about taxing pasties, selling off the health service and giving big handouts to people who don't need it. I can't believe we pulled this off".

The level of planning is explained in a huge amount of detail in the leaked documents, the original idea mooted as early as 2009. "We thought people would get wise to it when we announced we were going into coalition with the Lib Dems", our contact explained, "and bless them they've done their bit with that whole 'no tuition fees' schtick. But as more of these obvious gags got past an unsuspecting public, we got more and more brazen. I mean, borrowing a horse from the Metropolitan police? Telling people to store volatile, flammable substances in garden sheds? Seriously?"

The fear now is that in an effort to outdo this prank, the stakes have been raised with Labour insiders briefing that "you should see what we're going to do in Iran on April 1 2016".

Stansted baggage handlers to strike - queues form at luggage retailers

Baggage handlers at Stansted airport have announced strike action to take place on Good Friday, plunging many travel plans into chaos.

The situation wasn't helped by Cabinet Office minister Francis Maude suggesting that if people are near an airport, then they should "drop their luggage off now" to avoid shortages of baggage operatives on the strike date.

Queues immediately began to form outside Samsonite stores up and down the country. Antler were forced to close certain outlets as crowds formed on the streets disrupting the flow of the high street. "It's madness", said one punter. "I heard someone say there was looting at Louis Vuitton".

Mr Maude sought to clarify his comments, telling reporters "I merely said that there is plenty of capacity at airports now and that if one was in the area that it would be an idea to drop bags off now. I can't be held responsible for mass panic."

Assad will "spare no effort" to implement UN plan

Syrian leader Bashar al-Assad today vowed to "spare no effort" to implement the peace plan drawn up by the UN and Arab League.

Talking to reporters in Beijing after leaving the Baghdad summit, former UN Secretary General Kofi Annan said "I have received a response [to the plan] from the Syrian government and it is positive".

Mr Assad said at a press conference "I would do anything to end the bloodshed. I'd run right into hell and back. I would do anything to end the bloodshed. I'd never lie to you and that's a fact. But I'll never foget the way you feel right now, woah-oh, oh no. And I would do anything to end the bloodshed, but I won't do that".

Pressed on the inherent ambiguity of 'that', Assad clarified by saying the thing that he wouldn't do was stop turning state forces and weapons of war on his own people.

Minister tells people to jump off cliff - thousands dead

Cabinet Office minister and serial fuck-up Francis Maude was caught up in a row today after saying that people should "go and jump off a cliff".

Panic engulfed the country as thousands found cliffs, steep ridges, high walls and any other raised precipice to leap from. The death toll is already in the thousands with police in Dorset calling for all cliff-edges to be closed to prevent further carnage in the county.

Mr Maude was unrepentent saying his words were taken out of context. "All I said was that if people were near a cliff and hadn't quite jumped off it", he told this website, "that they should maybe think about actually jumping off it before the cliff maintenance operators announce dates for any industrial action".

A spokesman for the cliff maintenance operators union said that their strike threat was about changing pay and conditions. "The panic jumping has highlighted the need for proper cliff-side safety protocols which our main employers are driving a coach-and-four through. The minister's comments definitely haven't helped, but some people would probably go and queue for hours at a filling station if he told them to".

Robin Hood to sue Osborne for defamation

Legendary redistributionary economist Robin Hood today threatened to sue the Conservative Party and the Chancellor George Osborne for defamation as Osborne's Budget was described as a 'Robin Hood budget' in some quarters.

"They've taken my theory of redistributative policy and turned it on it's head" Hood told our reporter "and are using the Robin Hood brand in a way that damages my reputation". He continued, saying "robbing old folk of their pensions carefully salted away over the years would have played very badly with my key Merrie Men demographic, let alone then handing that over to the already wealthy. My theory of redistibution very definitely went in the other direction and that's the issue here".

On the wider economy, Hood also had words for the Chancellor. "He seems wedded to the idea of a trickle-down economy, but this has been shown time and again to be a complete fallacy - an illusion at best, a downright lie at worst. Indeed, I only entered the economic arena in order to help it trickle down a bloody sight faster than it would otherwise have done".

Hoodian economics has proved controversial in the past, with critics in the office of the Sheriff of Nottingham claiming it is 'the politics of envy'. "It's nothing to do with jealousy", countered Hood, "more a sense of fairness that's been sadly lacking since King John's infamous 'no such thing as feudal society' speech in the early 1980s. It's typical of the Sheriff's staff to politick in this way to detract from the real issues - entrenched poverty, chronic lack of jobs and stagnant economic growth leading to yet more borrowing".

Ancient documents set for auction records

Two ancient documents are to be sold at auction in London where they are expected to break all records for historical texts.

Discovered in a cellar in the London borough of Westminster, the documents are believed to be authored by Danny Alexander, a Caledonian noted for his fables, and renowned Victorian novelist and eccentric Oliver Letwin. The two are companion pieces to one another, forming the majority part of a series known as The 2010 Election Manifestos.

These two sections of the series were particularly noteworthy as they contained such fanciful notions of scrapping tuition fees, no top-down reorganisations of the NHS, a reform of banking regulation and a more progressive tax systems. Clearly, and with the benefit of hindsight, this was pure whimsy on the part of the authors, but in scenes reminiscent of Orson Welles's successful radio play of The War Of The Worlds, contemporary commentators report that people did actually believe that what was contained in these works was actually true and that the authors were in some sort of position to make it happen. Instead, the documents have gone down in legend alongside the great hoaxes of the time such as Piltdown Man, the Turin Shroud and Britain still clinging onto the notion of monarchy well into the second decade of the 21st century.

Head auctioneer at Christie's Hammar Gavelbasher, who will be conducting the auction, told us these lost texts are set to break all records. "We fully expect to record a price of less than the paper they're written on", he said. "Frankly we'd be better off auctioning real toilet paper".

Osborne offers hope to beleaguered wealthy

With the Budget around the corner, Chancellor George Osborne today offered hope to the beleaguered wealthy with a hint that the top rate of income tax - currently 50p in the pound - is to be cut to 40.

Answering claims that this is an unfunded tax cut, Osborne retorted by pointing out the many areas that spending has fallen in order to pay for it. "By cutting funds from luxuries like libraries, schools, hospitals and the poor, we can make this gesture to those that have, so far, borne the brunt of the burden of generating extra tax revenues in difficult times".

"It's not a question of penalising those at the bottom end", continued the man somehow entrusted with the public purse, "more a case of rewarding those that have contributed to the success of the British economy as it slides towards another recession. However, if we can give the poor a good kicking while we're at it, so much the better. After all, we are the Conservative party and that is what we presume we weren't quite elected to do".

"We are all in this together", the Chancellor said before adding "but some of us are in it more than others".

Government hails boom in repossessions industry

The government today announced that repossessions rose 14% last year in a massive boost to the bailiff and soup kitchen industries.

"Our policies have contributed directly to these fantastic figures", said a government spokesman, "and the opposition sit there and completely fail to recognise the important steps we've taken to reverse the decline they presided over and restore this vital sector of the economy to health".

Asked by our reporter whether he had considered that this boom resulted in over 48,000 households classed as homeless, housing minister Grant Shapps said "I'm glad you asked me that" before going on to talk about something completely different.

Disabled in equality breakthrough

The closure of 36 of the remaining 54 Remploy factories - subsidised factories offering employment to disabled workers - was hailed by the government today as "a major step forward" in equality.

A coalition spokesbastard told us "with thousands of people being laid off up and down the land as a result of our policies, it's only right that disabled workers enjoy those same benefits. Yes, those benefits that we're now going to take off them". Warming to his theme, he added that "the real victims here are A4E who now have a load more people to interview, few of whom have any chance of ever getting work again, in order to pick up their fat government contract. Frankly, they're the victims here, not these feckless disabled bastards".

Each factory attracts an average subsidy of £25,000 per year, a sum described as "grotesque and unjustifiable in the current climate".

Putin wins 2024 election

Russian President and former Prime Minister Vladimir Putin today celebrated winning the 2024 election with 64% of the vote to secure his third spell in the Kremlin.

He takes over from 2020 winner Dimitri Medvedev who served just one term before seeing Putin take the spoils once more four years later. Putin served two consecutive terms from 2000 before being forced aside by the Russian constitution with Medvedev serving one four-year term before Putin's return to win the 2012 and 2016 Presidential races. Again, Medvedev took the honours, but served just one term before Putin won a fifth landslide by a conveniently large amount of the vote.

"I'm so happy I could cry" said Putin before adding "if it wasn't for all the botox".

Putin has also been installed as strong favourite for the 2028 election, the results of which are expected to be announced in a fortnight's time.

Massive fraudster convicted of doing a massive fraud

A massive fraudster was today found guilty of doing a massive fraud to the tune of $7bn.

For two decades, Allen Stanford had been conducting his massive fraud before it collapsed under the weight of his massively fraudulent dealings.

In an interview with our crime reporter, Standford said "Frankly I'm disappointed. The authorities weren't bothered that I was doing a really big fraud for 19 years. Then they get all antsy and say it's bad". He went on to rail against what he perceived as unfairness. "I offered people unrealistic returns in order that I could maintain my lavish, Walter Mitty-style existence. And if that's not the American dream, then I clearly don't understand the concept".

Stanford can be expected to ruminate on those thoughts for the rest of his natural life.

Young man likes grandma

A young chap used a speech in Jamaica today to say how much he loves his gran. Quite why the chap in question should have been giving a speech or not liking his gran was not made clear.

The over-privileged white chap then cheated in a race against a black person, seemingly symbolising why colonisalism is good for these people and to try and dissuade them from doing something like voting to become a republic.

Dog "treated like Carlos Tevez", court hears

A dog owner being prosecuted for cruelty claimed in his defence today that "I treated that animal like Carlos Tevez".

The man, who cannot be named for legal reasons, is being prosecuted by an animal rights charity over claims that he neglected the Argentinian Dogo and left it to starve. "It's utter nonsense" he told court under cross-examination. "We went to the park where I threw a ball for him to chase. He refused and that's where this nightmare began".

The prosecution claims the animal was sent away where the owner knew that it would be mistreated, claiming that represents wilful neglect. "It's nonsense", the five men and seven women of the jury heard. "I sent him to a plush kennel back in Argentina where I hoped he would be looked after and get that spark back. I've got bills to show this whole episode cost me a fortune. The Dogo is a highly temperamental animal and I sent him where I thought it best for him".

The dog returned to Britain this week horribly out of shape, but with a golfing handicap down to three.

"Secularism under attack" from creeping centralised religion - report

A report from an influential secularist thinktank released today showed that rationality in public life is being attacked by an increasingly religious government.

"Every department of government is attacking the principle of separation of church and state" said report author Nora Ligion. "Michael Gove's education department is committed to an increase in the number of faith schools and [Eric Pickles] the communities secretary's determination to introduce prayers to local council meetings are two recent examples of the government forcing religion onto a population that's shown itself to be apathetic at best towards organised religion. Put this alongside the flat refusal to reform the Lords where unelected bishops sit, influencing parliamentary business and it all adds up to a worrying picture".

Fears were further ratcheted up by Conservative party chairman Saeeda Warsi cosying up to the authoritarian, undemocratic and avowedly non-secular regime in the Vatican City. "It's troubling that the government should make this diplomatic mission at this time" continued Miss Ligion, "but we have every confidence that the contradictory nature of Baroness Warsi's arguments will totally undermine everything she says every bit as well as her inability to carry a room when she speaks".

Warsi will argue that the inherently intolerant nature of organised religion is itself a driver for tolerance and inclusivity. "In many ways, she's our best hope", concluded Miss Ligion, "as she either doesn't understand the nonsense she's spouting or is wilfully ignoring it just to push through the government's increasingly religious agenda".

Leveson inquiry hears of blow to analogue website market

In giving evidence to Lord Leveson's inquiry into press standards and ethics, editor-in-chief of Huffington Post UK Carla Buzasi said "digital websites are the future of the media industry".

An analogue website in development, yesterday

This seemingly innocuous comment laid bare the desperate state of the analogue online media industry where jobs have been falling at an alarming rate.

An industry insider told us that "we've been forced to lay off over 60% of our staff in the last two years and yet this government - like the one before it - refuse to lift a finger to help us out".

This once-thriving bastion of British industry was a major generator of jobs and wealth, but has been in the doldrums since the dotcom boom in the early 2000s. "We'd have a team in the office drawing the news on monitor-sized tablets and send runners out to homes and offices up and down the land to show them to people by holding them up in front of their typewriters. To get the page turned, they'd squeeze a mouse until the runner heard it squeak and he'd move on to the next tablet. It kept all sorts of people in work, but there's just not the appetite for it now".

Quizzed on the future of the industry, our insider continued "It's tough. I try to keep the company going as best I can, but demand isn't strong. A lot of our people are being snapped up by digital rivals. What Ms Buzasi said to Leveson is probably about fair, but we feel there's a real niche for analogue websites for those that want the real hand-crafted charm we offer to read the news and see pictures of piano-playing cats on".

Industry bigwigs are hoping that the raising of this issue at Leveson will help prompt a revival. "We're getting together as an industry", said our contact, "and lobby government. This classically British service should be retained for future generations and the skills required taught in our schools and colleges".

First privately-run NHS hospital in UK vows to "attract new patients"

Hinchingbrooke Hospital in Cambridgeshire today became the first NHS hospital to come under the control of a private, for-profit company. The debt-ridden hospital has been taken over by Circle Health with specific timelines set for improvements in certain areas.

Circle have taken on the financial responsibility for the running of the hospital and have targets in terms of the amount of time nurses spend with patients, the number of times patients have to travel to the hospital and the safety of it's procedures.

One of the ways in which the company hope to solve the debt problems is by attracting more patients to the hospital. This will start with a "rigourous plan of improvement" to care and food quality, according to regional NHS director Dr Stephen Dunn. "Patients constantly go to hospitals distant from their homes because of better food", he opined, "but if that doesn't work, then Circle are more than willing to go and seek patients using squads of hired goons to generate patients on the hospital's own doorstep".

Critics of the move have suggested that should Circle run into financial difficulties, the government would have to step in and bail out the hospital and that this is yet another cynical, thinly-veiled attempt by a right-wing government to socialise debt and privatise profit for the government's chums in business, to which a Circle executive responded "oh look, a chaffinch. You don't normally see them round here, and certainly not at this time of year".

From Sir to Mr; the undubbing ceremony explained

With news of Soon-To-Not-Be-Sir-Any-More Fred Goodwin's de-dubbing, it's worth reminding readers of the noble traditions of the ceremony which Her Majesty the Queen will perform.

It begins with a letter sent to the soon to be defrocked knight, which is also ceremonially leaked to the major newspapers, summoning him to the palace to unreceive his award. This can happen many months prior to the ceremony and must be kept quiet, apart from those news organisations who are encouraged to print as many pictures of the nominee as possible, preferably with headlines such as "STICK YOUR KNIGHTHOOD UP YOUR ARSE, YOU MASSIVE FRAUD".

On the day of unappointment, the nominee should arrive at the palace a good hour beforehand to receive instruction from the footmen such as "you should hide your head in shame, you arsehole" and be dressed in the Sackcloth of Disnoblement. On being called through to the hall, the nominee enters, head bowed as the gathered attendees boo loudly and throw rotten tomatoes.

On arriving at the front, the nominee grovels and begs for Her Majesty to change her mind. She will snap back with "get up, you snivelling wretch" and the nominee will stand before her. A large wet fish (traditionally a pike from the lakes of the Royal Parks of London) is placed on each shoulder and used to slap the nominee firmly on both cheeks. Meanwhile, the Queen's Consort administers the ceremonial wedgie before crouching behind the nominee in order that Her Majesty may push him over. Guests are then permitted to administer a range of blows and kicks for a period of two minutes, ended by a blast on the Royal Flugel Horn.

The ceremony ends with the nominee being debagged and thrown onto the streets, the former knight now arising as plain old Mister. Truly, it is a moving ceremony and one we can expect to see more of now that the forfeiture committee has grown a pair.

5m British homes "at flood risk"

The Public Accounts Committee today released a report criticising the government for a failure to protect up to five million British homes from flooding.

Capital expenditure on flood defences has fallen in real terms over the last two years leaving communities vulnerable and unable to insure their homes.

Government spokesman Sir Gently Fondling said "look, it's clear where the blame for this lies. It's all the fault of the large number of rivers that the previous government allowed into this country in the form of foreign rain. I urge the Prime Minister to legislate against these watery terrorist bastards and ban them from my leafy Surrey constituency".

A parallel report from the Association of British Insurers also called the behaviour of rivers into question. "If you build houses on flood plains, they may well flood. As we're only interested in betting against things that are at best highly unlikely to happen, none of our members will touch these places with a 90-foot pole".

Demonisation over pay will "deter workers" - CBI

Writing in today's Times, CBI president Sir Roger Carr denounced the "demonisation" of public sector pay claiming that it will deter others from accepting jobs that might be open to political interference. "This cannot be in the public interest", he said.

The "vilification", as Carr described it, would lead to people eschewing vital roles in public service and take their services abroad. He went on to say "There are nurses, refuse collectors and teachers who have had politicians capping pay at 1% and ramping up the rhetoric when they have the temerity to complain. Let me tell you; if this continues, these people will be driven out of Britain. There are plenty of other countries, other economies, that will benefit from their dedication and experience".

Stephen Hester is 83. (percent owned by the public)

Cameron: Tobin tax will "cost British jobs"

UK Prime Minister David Cameron used his speech at the World Economic Forum in Davos today to argue against a tax on financial transactions - the so-called Tobin Tax or, for particularly stupid British tabloids, a Robin Hood Tax - saying that it is not the responsibility of the EU to do something that potentially would lead to jobs in Britain being lost.

"This is a reckless act that would lead to Brussels making British people out of work", said Cameron, smugly, "when it is clearly the job of the Conservative Party to make that number of people unemployed. British dole queues for British people!".

"Moreover", continued the man voted as most resembling a slab of reconstituted ham, "we must retain the sovereign right to decide who we put out of work and our friends did not vote for us in order that we hit their bottom line. We were voted in with a semi-sort-of-mandate to put teachers, nurses, bin men and police officers out of work, not those who work in the world of high finance that don't actually produce anything, but earn loads by pushing imaginary currency from here to there. Oh dear me no".

David Cameron is still, somehow, the UK Prime Minister.

Government confuses 'need' with 'want'

A Downing Street spokesman today confused the word 'need' with the word 'want'. Talking to the BBC the unnamed source said "we have a very, very big welfare bill and we need to bring it down".

This isn't the only example of the coalition getting it's words mixed up. For example, when the Chancellor George Osborne said "We'll get tough on banking regulation", it was a simple case of getting tangled up in language when what was meant was "Once this blows over, we can get back to doing it all again" and Andrew Lansley's pledge of "No top-down reorganisation of the NHS" clearly meant "sell the bugger off". This is not purely a Conservative disease, however, as the Liberal Democrat pledges of "we will scrap tuition fees" and "we will introduce a mansion tax" were merely cases of getting the words 'will' and 'won't' muddled up.

France downgrades S&P rating

France today took the lead in downgrading Standard & Poors' credibility rating to 'junk', a move swiftly followed by a number of other Eurozone countries.

"If anything" said junior French finance minister Jacques Itallin "we've been too lenient on these bastards. We should have done this years ago when they told us that piles of packaged-up sub-prime shit were triple A-OK". Greek spokesman Stelios Lottabusinessloss told us "S&P have lost all faith we ever had in them and helped get us into this mess. From now on, if we want an opinion on anything we'll ask our mate Dodgy Stavros down the taverna on the corner".

An S&P statement defended the company saying "How were we to know that absolute garbage that had been pretty much designed to fail would cause such havoc in the banking industry which forced governments to step in and bail them out? We're as surprised as everyone, mainly because we don't know what we're doing. It's a wonder that anyone ever listened to us, if we're going to be honest about this. Anyway, despite the intrinsic link that we helped create between banking systems and sovereign debt, we're going to try bluffing it out by saying they're separate departments. Yep, that should do it".

The French initiative sent shockwaves through the credit rating industry with Moodys and Fitch both issuing strong statements denying that they'll be next to be downgraded. Industry expert Billy Ocean-Finance told us "it's well known that any two economists will reach wildly different conclusions from the same sets of data, so the other two big agencies will just say something different in order to avoid the same outcome."