The Nobel prize committee today declared themselves "proud" as former peace prize winner Barack Obama seemed prepared to launch another military assault on another nation.
With Syrian president Bashar al-Assad seemingly ready to deploy chemical and biological weapons against his own people, a world that previously couldn't give a shit about Syria has decided that that really would be beyond the pale.
This follows Obama's 'troop surge' in Afghanistan and deployment of military aircraft in enforcing the no-fly zone over Libya during the uprising against President Ghadaffi. In a television interview, Obama said "I have, at this point, not ordered military engagement in the situation. But the point that you made about chemical and biological weapons is critical. That's an issue that doesn't just concern Syria; it concerns our close allies in the region, including Israel. It concerns us. We cannot have a situation where chemical or biological weapons are falling into the hands of the wrong people. We have been very clear to the Assad regime, but also to other players on the ground, that a red line for us is we start seeing a whole bunch of chemical weapons moving around or being utilised. That would change my calculus. That would change my equation."
This has been widely interpreted as intent to develop a plan to launch military action, something recognised by the Nobel prize committee. "We're proud to have given the most easily recognisable award for peace to someone who is planning to embark on a third conflict overseas and have commissioned a special award to commemorate the expected launch of an offensive on Syria", a member of the awards committee told us. "Should it go ahead, President Obama will set a new record for the number of armed conflicts launched by a Nobel peace laureate, in no way conflicting with the ideals and intentions of the prize."
"It's said that satire died when we gave the award to Henry Kissinger", said our insider, "but this shows that we're prepared to dig up satire's rotten corpse and give it the kicking of a lifetime if we feel the need to".
This is not the news
Tuesday, 21 August 2012
Friday, 17 August 2012
Russian gold in Predictable Trial Outcome
The final event of the Olympics was won by Russia, five days after the official end of the games.
Faced with a stiff challenge from neighbours Ukraine - who jailed former Prime Minister Yulia Tymoschenko on trumped-up corruption charges - and new Asian challengers Bahrain, for locking up human rights activist Nabeel Rajab, former Predictable Trial Outcomes champion Russia needed a big play to regain their crown.
They found such a play in the Pussy Riot trial, one universally slated as irregular and unfair, on charges of holliganism motivated by religious hatred. The PTO judges scored it highly on the spurious nature of the charges, the lack of time for a defence to be mounted and the concealment of the real reasons to punish the three defendants. All of these contributed to a highly predictable outcome, coming with a high degree of difficulty.
Ukraine took silver with the highly predictable Tymoschenko outcome with Bahrain taking bronze. Both entries scored highly, but fell down on the difficulty aspect with judges saying "there's predictable and then there's bleedin' obvious. Bahrain just weren't trying hard enough to be convoluted. I mean, human rights activist in a Middle Eastern kingdom ruled by an autocratic family? Yaawwwnn".
Russia expect to defend their title strongly in four years time, but are openly wary of some strong contenders coming through. "It's the Saudis we fear most", said the Russian chef de mission, "who will probably lock a woman up for having one toenail slightly longer than the decency police determine it should be. We're very happy to have won this gold, but realise competition is only getting stronger all around the world".
Faced with a stiff challenge from neighbours Ukraine - who jailed former Prime Minister Yulia Tymoschenko on trumped-up corruption charges - and new Asian challengers Bahrain, for locking up human rights activist Nabeel Rajab, former Predictable Trial Outcomes champion Russia needed a big play to regain their crown.
They found such a play in the Pussy Riot trial, one universally slated as irregular and unfair, on charges of holliganism motivated by religious hatred. The PTO judges scored it highly on the spurious nature of the charges, the lack of time for a defence to be mounted and the concealment of the real reasons to punish the three defendants. All of these contributed to a highly predictable outcome, coming with a high degree of difficulty.
Ukraine took silver with the highly predictable Tymoschenko outcome with Bahrain taking bronze. Both entries scored highly, but fell down on the difficulty aspect with judges saying "there's predictable and then there's bleedin' obvious. Bahrain just weren't trying hard enough to be convoluted. I mean, human rights activist in a Middle Eastern kingdom ruled by an autocratic family? Yaawwwnn".
Russia expect to defend their title strongly in four years time, but are openly wary of some strong contenders coming through. "It's the Saudis we fear most", said the Russian chef de mission, "who will probably lock a woman up for having one toenail slightly longer than the decency police determine it should be. We're very happy to have won this gold, but realise competition is only getting stronger all around the world".
Government advisers to attempt reverse psychology
Civil servants and independent government advisers, fed up of having their advice ignored or over-ruled, are to try using reverse psychology to persuade ministers that they should be listened to.
After Professor David Nutt was removed from his post on the Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs for giving independent advice unpalatable to a previous regime, it transpires today that Education Secretary Michael Gove has ignored the School Playing Fields Advisory Panel five times in the last fifteen months, more than in the previous nine years. Civil servants and appointees to these advisory panels have finally had enough and are to start using new tactics to get their recommendations listened to.
A representative of civil service union PSCU told us "our members are completely fed up of being over-ruled, undermined and sidelined by ministers. As such, we've drafted new guidelines with the help of our members in order that more of their carefully researched and independent advice is more likely to be acted on".
The guidelines show that ministers behave a lot like children, so threatening to deny them pudding should they not sit quietly and listen is one tactic. The naughty step, so beloved of modern parenting guides, is also to be a sanction should advice go unheeded. But these are retro-active, only coming into effect once the minister goes against the recommendations that his/her office is payig for, so the more radical idea is to use reverse psychology to try to get the advice at least acknowledged in the first place.
"The plan is to describe the diametric opposite scenario of the one that the research shows to be the wiser course of action", the PCS representative continued. "So when we advise Michael Gove not to sanction the flogging off of a school playing field, we'll say 'selling that field off and depriving the kids of somewhere to exercise and do sport in the way that the government have said should be available is exactly the right thing to do'. Given his track record, he's bound to do the exact opposite and leave it open. If only David Nutt had recommended that cannabis definitely, absolutely be upgraded to a new class A*, he might still be in a job and sense might have prevailed in the hysterical world of drugs legislation".
Drawbacks are sensed though, with capricious ministers suddenly having a moment of clarity and beginning to listen just as the new guidelines are put into place. "It's a risk", our insider told us, "but would that be any worse a situation than we're already in?"
After Professor David Nutt was removed from his post on the Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs for giving independent advice unpalatable to a previous regime, it transpires today that Education Secretary Michael Gove has ignored the School Playing Fields Advisory Panel five times in the last fifteen months, more than in the previous nine years. Civil servants and appointees to these advisory panels have finally had enough and are to start using new tactics to get their recommendations listened to.
A representative of civil service union PSCU told us "our members are completely fed up of being over-ruled, undermined and sidelined by ministers. As such, we've drafted new guidelines with the help of our members in order that more of their carefully researched and independent advice is more likely to be acted on".
The guidelines show that ministers behave a lot like children, so threatening to deny them pudding should they not sit quietly and listen is one tactic. The naughty step, so beloved of modern parenting guides, is also to be a sanction should advice go unheeded. But these are retro-active, only coming into effect once the minister goes against the recommendations that his/her office is payig for, so the more radical idea is to use reverse psychology to try to get the advice at least acknowledged in the first place.
"The plan is to describe the diametric opposite scenario of the one that the research shows to be the wiser course of action", the PCS representative continued. "So when we advise Michael Gove not to sanction the flogging off of a school playing field, we'll say 'selling that field off and depriving the kids of somewhere to exercise and do sport in the way that the government have said should be available is exactly the right thing to do'. Given his track record, he's bound to do the exact opposite and leave it open. If only David Nutt had recommended that cannabis definitely, absolutely be upgraded to a new class A*, he might still be in a job and sense might have prevailed in the hysterical world of drugs legislation".
Drawbacks are sensed though, with capricious ministers suddenly having a moment of clarity and beginning to listen just as the new guidelines are put into place. "It's a risk", our insider told us, "but would that be any worse a situation than we're already in?"
Monday, 13 August 2012
Popular baby names show Olympic influence
The list of most popular names for newborns in the UK released this week shows that the Olympic games had a significant influence on parents. British success on two wheels, on the water and on the track saw sharp rises in a number of names not normally on the list alongside the more traditional Olivers and Olivias.
For boys, the new top ten is:
1. Bradley
2. Wiggo
3. Sideburns
4. Danny Boyle
5. Phelps
6. Brownlee
7. Pendleton
8. Omnium
9. Sir Chris Hoy
10. Team GB
Among those dropping down the list are Boris, Cameron, Relay and Phillips Idowu.
For girls, the top names are:
1. Jennis
2. Ye
3. Na
4. Missy
5. Dressage
6. Clare Balding
7. Ohuruogu
8. Mo
9. Farah
10. Dame Kelly Holmes
The new least popular name is Yu Yang while others dropping down the rankings include Jessie J and Australia.
For boys, the new top ten is:
1. Bradley
2. Wiggo
3. Sideburns
4. Danny Boyle
5. Phelps
6. Brownlee
7. Pendleton
8. Omnium
9. Sir Chris Hoy
10. Team GB
Among those dropping down the list are Boris, Cameron, Relay and Phillips Idowu.
For girls, the top names are:
1. Jennis
2. Ye
3. Na
4. Missy
5. Dressage
6. Clare Balding
7. Ohuruogu
8. Mo
9. Farah
10. Dame Kelly Holmes
The new least popular name is Yu Yang while others dropping down the rankings include Jessie J and Australia.
Tuesday, 24 July 2012
Minister under fire for 'cash in hand' comments`
Treasury minister David Gauke came under fire today after suggesting that tradesmen explicitly offering discounts for cash was "morally wrong" during an interview on yesterday's Newsnight.
Consumer groups reacted angrily saying that cash payments were often more secure for single-person operations as there's no chance of cash bouncing and the imminent phasing out of the cheque will add a level of complexity to the process. "Demonising all cash tansactions is inherently anti-small business, the very group the government profess to support", said a press release from a small business representative body.
Gauke hit back strongly, telling our reporter "Clearly what I was driving at was that deliberately avoiding tax is wrong. What should happen is that the tradesman sets up an Employee Benefit Trust in the Cayman Islands with himself as one of the named directors. Then you as a consumer can transfer money into that and the tradesman can then draw down loans from the trust in lieu of wages at zero interest and with no obligation to repay. That's how I pay my cleaners and it creates jobs for accountants. It's good, honest British tax avoidance and not weaselly, shameless evasion".
A spokesgobshite from tax-averse lobbyists the Taxpayers Alliance said "blah blah blah tax, ooh, no thanks, blah blah".
Consumer groups reacted angrily saying that cash payments were often more secure for single-person operations as there's no chance of cash bouncing and the imminent phasing out of the cheque will add a level of complexity to the process. "Demonising all cash tansactions is inherently anti-small business, the very group the government profess to support", said a press release from a small business representative body.
Gauke hit back strongly, telling our reporter "Clearly what I was driving at was that deliberately avoiding tax is wrong. What should happen is that the tradesman sets up an Employee Benefit Trust in the Cayman Islands with himself as one of the named directors. Then you as a consumer can transfer money into that and the tradesman can then draw down loans from the trust in lieu of wages at zero interest and with no obligation to repay. That's how I pay my cleaners and it creates jobs for accountants. It's good, honest British tax avoidance and not weaselly, shameless evasion".
A spokesgobshite from tax-averse lobbyists the Taxpayers Alliance said "blah blah blah tax, ooh, no thanks, blah blah".
Friday, 13 July 2012
Experts baffled by Chinese economic slow-down
Market analysts around the world expressed bewilderment at the latest economic figures coming out of China and fear for the impact of these numbers on fragile economies around the world.
"Having seen double-digit growth for quite some time now", an Asian market analyst told us, "we naturally assumed that this would go on for ever and ever and ever. Now it seems that high rates of growth eventually plateau, as if they were starting from a really low base or something and were effectively playing catch-up to more developed economies. I mean, how were we supposed to see that coming?"
The figures are forcing a rethink on what China and other rapidly developing economies may be able to achieve in future. "We'd based all our assumptions of how global markets work on China - and others like Brazil and India - growing at a rate of above 10% for the remainder of history. That's what all our sums are based on. Now that we have evidence that limitless growth is not just unlikely, but impossible, we haven't got a clue what to do", concluded our analyst.
The Chinese themselves remain unruffled. "You may not be able to buy our exports", an official government statement read, "but we still own your ass anyway, suckers".
"Having seen double-digit growth for quite some time now", an Asian market analyst told us, "we naturally assumed that this would go on for ever and ever and ever. Now it seems that high rates of growth eventually plateau, as if they were starting from a really low base or something and were effectively playing catch-up to more developed economies. I mean, how were we supposed to see that coming?"
The figures are forcing a rethink on what China and other rapidly developing economies may be able to achieve in future. "We'd based all our assumptions of how global markets work on China - and others like Brazil and India - growing at a rate of above 10% for the remainder of history. That's what all our sums are based on. Now that we have evidence that limitless growth is not just unlikely, but impossible, we haven't got a clue what to do", concluded our analyst.
The Chinese themselves remain unruffled. "You may not be able to buy our exports", an official government statement read, "but we still own your ass anyway, suckers".
Thursday, 12 July 2012
Berlusconi backs campaign to free Russian protestors
Media mogul and former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi yesterday became the highest profile backer of a campaign to free jailed Russian protestors Pussy Riot.
Nadezhda Tolokonnikova, Ekaterina Samutsevich and Maria Alehina – all members of the anarchic Pussy Riot punk band – have been in prison since March, held on charges of hooliganism which could eventually mean a seven-year sentence, after attempting to perform a protest anthem inside Moscow's most important Orthodox church, Christ the Saviour cathedral. But with no trial date set, no signs that they will be released and opposition to Putin spreading, support for the trio has grown, even among those who at first condemned them.
The campaign to free the trio has been gradually gaining ground across all sections of Russian society and beyond into the wider world with support from one-time Beastie Boy Ad-Rock and punk band Anti-Flag. The hashtag #freepussyriot has been trending worldwide on Twitter, and it's on this that Mr Berlusconi responded to in declaring his support.
Asked by our reporter why he supported the expansion of democracy in Russia, Mr Berlusconi "I'm supporting what? I thought it was..... Oh, never mind".
Nadezhda Tolokonnikova, Ekaterina Samutsevich and Maria Alehina – all members of the anarchic Pussy Riot punk band – have been in prison since March, held on charges of hooliganism which could eventually mean a seven-year sentence, after attempting to perform a protest anthem inside Moscow's most important Orthodox church, Christ the Saviour cathedral. But with no trial date set, no signs that they will be released and opposition to Putin spreading, support for the trio has grown, even among those who at first condemned them.
The campaign to free the trio has been gradually gaining ground across all sections of Russian society and beyond into the wider world with support from one-time Beastie Boy Ad-Rock and punk band Anti-Flag. The hashtag #freepussyriot has been trending worldwide on Twitter, and it's on this that Mr Berlusconi responded to in declaring his support.
Asked by our reporter why he supported the expansion of democracy in Russia, Mr Berlusconi "I'm supporting what? I thought it was..... Oh, never mind".
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