Despots stunned as UK electorate votes to get rid of human rights

Despots from around the world have expressed shock as the UK electorate vote for the one party that wishes to scrap their human rights in an open and free election.

At their annual gathering, leaders from such as Uzbekistan, Belarus, Azerbaijan, Zimbabwe and Kazakhstan all spoke of the difficulties they'd had in rigging elections so that they could continue to oppress their electorate. "How nice it must be", Uzbek President Islam Karimov told us, "to have your people so compliant that they actually vote to have their rights quashed. I had to spend millions on corruptly controlling the media, the judiciary, the executive and the law enforcement to allow me to continue my programme of oppression and larceny".

"Hired goons are incredibly expensive", Robert Mugabe explained at the 5th Annual Despots Symposium in Baku, while Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow, President of Turkmenistan, expressed surprise at the declared level of the vote that the Conservatives secured. "We long ago did away with ballot stuffers. We just pick a number in the high-80s or 90s and add a credibility-lending 0.something to the end of it. I can't believe David Cameron only went for 36.9%. He's got the numbers in the wrong order. And yet this allows him to do what I've spent so much time and energy driving towards? His people must be idiots".

Nursultan Nazarbayev of Kazakhstan meanwhile suggested that he may be able to pursue his programmes cheaper in light of what happened in the UK. "Maybe free elections are cheaper than press-ganging people in to vote. That would leave more cash for enormous portraits of me and gold palaces. Makes you think, doesn't it?"