Experts baffled by Chinese economic slow-down

Market analysts around the world expressed bewilderment at the latest economic figures coming out of China and fear for the impact of these numbers on fragile economies around the world.

"Having seen double-digit growth for quite some time now", an Asian market analyst told us, "we naturally assumed that this would go on for ever and ever and ever. Now it seems that high rates of growth eventually plateau, as if they were starting from a really low base or something and were effectively playing catch-up to more developed economies. I mean, how were we supposed to see that coming?"

The figures are forcing a rethink on what China and other rapidly developing economies may be able to achieve in future. "We'd based all our assumptions of how global markets work on China - and others like Brazil and India - growing at a rate of above 10% for the remainder of history. That's what all our sums are based on. Now that we have evidence that limitless growth is not just unlikely, but impossible, we haven't got a clue what to do", concluded our analyst.

The Chinese themselves remain unruffled. "You may not be able to buy our exports", an official government statement read, "but we still own your ass anyway, suckers".

Robin Hood to sue Osborne for defamation

Legendary redistributionary economist Robin Hood today threatened to sue the Conservative Party and the Chancellor George Osborne for defamation as Osborne's Budget was described as a 'Robin Hood budget' in some quarters.

"They've taken my theory of redistributative policy and turned it on it's head" Hood told our reporter "and are using the Robin Hood brand in a way that damages my reputation". He continued, saying "robbing old folk of their pensions carefully salted away over the years would have played very badly with my key Merrie Men demographic, let alone then handing that over to the already wealthy. My theory of redistibution very definitely went in the other direction and that's the issue here".

On the wider economy, Hood also had words for the Chancellor. "He seems wedded to the idea of a trickle-down economy, but this has been shown time and again to be a complete fallacy - an illusion at best, a downright lie at worst. Indeed, I only entered the economic arena in order to help it trickle down a bloody sight faster than it would otherwise have done".

Hoodian economics has proved controversial in the past, with critics in the office of the Sheriff of Nottingham claiming it is 'the politics of envy'. "It's nothing to do with jealousy", countered Hood, "more a sense of fairness that's been sadly lacking since King John's infamous 'no such thing as feudal society' speech in the early 1980s. It's typical of the Sheriff's staff to politick in this way to detract from the real issues - entrenched poverty, chronic lack of jobs and stagnant economic growth leading to yet more borrowing".