OECD figures released yesterday showed the UK economy slipped back into recession after two consecutive months of GDP contraction.
Grilled by MPs in the House, Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne defended his record and spelled out that his plan was the right one and that this was no time for a change of direction. "Doing precisely what we've done the previous eighteen times is precisely the last thing the economy will be expecting us to do this time", explained the Chancellor. "There is, however, one small problem - that everyone ends up poorer and out of work and the Prime Minister is worried that this may be depressing the population. So we're going to have a jolly good sports day in London in the summer to cheer everyone up."
On receipt of the latest figures from the OECD, the Chancellor is reported to have examined closely the breakdown of figures where construction was particularly hard-hit, largely because of the cancellation of large school-building projects, but this is one area Osborne is keen to keep on pounding into oblivion. "If we keep attacking where the economy is weakest", he told increasingly incredulous MPs, "the economy will think our reconnaisance is a total shambles. This will lull it into a sense of false security and then next week we can attack where the economy is horribly bloated and win the greatest victory since the Winchester Flower Arrangers beat Harrow by twelve sore bottoms to one".
He then put a pair of underpants on his head, shoved two pencils up his nose and left the chamber saying "wibble".
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