Ministers today announced plans to do "something" with e-mails and internet communications.
"We want to do something", a Cabinet insider told this website. "One of the senior Cabinet members' son does something with computers so we'll ask him, but none of us really know how these things work". The extent of the lack of knowledge became apparent as the muddy, vague proposals were unveiled.
'We want to look at everything you do online, but not store it anywhere as the word database is not politically expedient after we've buggered up so many other ones' runs an extract from the white paper. Phrases like 'on demand' and 'real time' are thrown in with no clear evidence that it's anything but buzzword bingo. "Look", said our insider, "if we invoke paedophilia - because even paedos use computers - we reckon we can get away with anything. Besides, we've got a big IT budget and we're determined to do something with it, even if we have no understanding of the technology that's around at the moment".
Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg said "I am totally opposed, totally opposed to the idea of Governments reading people’s emails at will or creating a totally new central Government database" and is therefore expected to wave it through with no complaints. Conservative MP for Haltemprice and Howden David Davis is widely expected to resign his seat before winning it again unopposed shortly afterwards.
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