Lloyds boss aims to corner fraud market

António Horta-Osório, chief executive of Lloyds Banking Group, hit out against fraudulent claims for compensation in relation to mis-selling of payment protection insurance, PPI, the biggest racket going in banking during the 1990s and early 2000s.

Horta-Osório alleges that 25% of claims for compensation submitted by claims management firms are for customers who did not have products with the banks against which claims were being made. "We have to stop this", said Horta-Osório, "this is fraud. This is stepping into an environment that we had cornered with PPI in the first place and I'll be damned if I'm going to stand by and let these fly-by-nights muscle in on our territory".

PPI was sold in large amounts to people who never requested it, bundled up with loans and other financial products. It was sold to people who would never have qualified for it - the self-employed, for example - and was rarely paid out on, so restrictive were the terms. However, selling it in large amounts and never paying out on it swelled bank profits to record highs, masking the true extent of liabilities in other areas such as the US sub-prime mortgage market and complex collateralised debt obligations which helped bring the world banking system - capitalism itself - to the brink of collapse in 2008.

"As head of one of the major banking groups in the UK", Horta-Osório continued, "it is up to me to ensure we maintain a competitive advantage in those fields in which we excel. We excel in fleecing people for everything they've got and splurging the proceeds on yachts in Monte Carlo and we will be working very hard to limit payouts on past frauds while striving to create new ones that won't come to light for a number of years by which time most of the senior executives will have retired to the tax haven of their choosing".

Lloyds Banking Group is 41% owned by the public, something Horta-Osório was quick to asknowledge. "We must never forget the genrosity of the British taxpayer to bail out a failing insitution - a failing industry. And we'll be tapping them up again when our next big scam brings capitalism to it's knees" he concluded before jetting off in his solid gold spaceship.