Thursday 31 May 2012

U-turn tax proposed by Treasury

A new tax on U-turns is being proposed by the Treasury as it seeks to plug the gaps appearing in the figures as a result of the number of U-turns performed by the government over the mosr recent Budget.

A senior civil servant in the Treasury told us that the plan would raise the same as the abandoning of levying VAT on hot baked goods, the reduction in the proposed rate of VAT on static caravans and the reversal of the proposal to allow people of offset tax against charitable donations. "By levying a flat fee on every member of the Cabinet every time they go back on something previously announced", our source told us, "the economy should be back in rude health by Q3 this year as we're anticipating a number of other reversals of their fucking stupid ideas in the near future".

The number of U-turns have left many people unsure where they stand, but our insider unpicked them for us. "It's really very simple. There's now no VAT on baked goods unless they're stored in such a way as to keep them warm rather than allow them to cool naturally" he told us. "That means you can eat a warm pasty inside a cold static caravan and offset that against your charitable giving, but only if you've got a buzzard's nest in the garden. However, a cold pasty inside a warm static caravan is VATable at 20% or 15% if you give a buzzard to charity but only then if the buzzard is cold. No, wait, hang on...." he said as he disappeared back into 1 Horse Guards Road muttering something about having to carry a pheasant.

Friday 25 May 2012

Britain prepares to go fucking mental

With the warm weather forecast to extend throughout the weekend, Britons are expected to go fucking mental.

The hot weather will see pasty-white people trying to get burned to a crisp by the rarely-seen burning disc in the sky - known to other nations as 'the sun' - by shedding a lot of clothes and not preparing properly.

Many will be try to get food poisoning by eating half-cooked chicken off the barbecue prepared by someone far too pissed for the job while others will bypass the potential of burning their homes and gardens down by skipping the food element and just getting absolutely pissed, like a warm version of New Years.

Health and safety campaigners have urged caution from the populace, encouraging them to only go fucking mental in moderation.

Hunt "behaved impartially" despite memo

Culture secretary Jeremy Hunt was defended today by the Prime Minister after an explosive memo was revealed to the Leveson inquiry.

The memo relates to the purchase of biscuits for Cabinet meetings, a task previously in the hands of Vince Cable, the business secretary, but he was stripped of the role after being caught by a newspaper sting. Mr Cable was caught on tape saying how much he hated custard creams. This clear bias against the custard cream meant he could no longer order biscuits impartially. The responsibility was then handed to Hunt who then proceeded to order custard creams by the hundredweight.

The controversial memo revealed that Hunt had expressed, through his advisers, to the Custard Cream International that he favoured their product and would see to it that everything would be done to ensure their product would be the biscuit of choice.

Eschewing the really hard interviews, the Prime Minister chose to go on ITV's hard-hitting news - definitely news and not celebrity froth peddling - show Daybreak to support his colleague. "Jeremy [Hunt] acted completely impartially when selecting the biscuits. He may have said in this memo that he preferred the custard cream, instructed his aides to ease the path with the manufacturers, negotiate concessions which would avoid the need for competition queries, but after I gave him the job of selecting the biscuits, he put all of that to one side and acted completely impartially.

"I had to take Vince Cable off the job because of his unguarded and unwise comments, but Jeremy Hunt's comments were irrelevant because after he made them, he acted totally differently", he continued before adding "besides, nobody at Custard Creams International seems to remember anything about any of this, so happy days".

Thursday 24 May 2012

Immigration figures trigger action

Net migration to the UK dropped in the year to September, according to figures released by the National Audit Office, but only by 3,000 with the overall number remaining over 250,000.

The government have targeted a reduction to 100,00 per year by the end of this parliament in 2015, a target that now looks as far away as ever, but welcomed the drop however small it may have been. "The fact that there has been a reduction is positive", a junior Home Office official told us, "but such a small drop is disappointing".

Pressed to explain why this oft-stated target is unlikely to be met, he continued, saying "we've made life as miserable for people all throughout the nation, so we're very surprised that emigration was only 348,000 for the recorded period. Rest assured that what we're planning on doing in the near future will piss off a far greater number of people such that they'll soon decide that their future lies overseas. Phase 2 of the plan is for those emigrants to constantly piss and moan about the shitstorm they've left behind and then none of those bloody foreigners will want to come here in the first place. Job done."

Student visas were down 62% for the first three months of this year compared to the same period last year, something immigration minister Damian Green was quick to seize on. "This shows that us stopping paying for education can have a big impact on numbers coming into the UK from outside. Wait until they get to hear about what we're doing with the health system and employment law. They'll soon think twice and go somewhere nice instead", he xenophobed.

Anti-immigration thinktank Migration Watch UK said that the government needed to take "tough measures" to tackle the "unnacceptable" figures. "Urgh, foreigners", said their chairman Sir Andrew Green.

Wednesday 23 May 2012

News Arse to rebrand

In a statement to the City, News Arse proprietor Sir Babbington Arsington-Newsly told shareholders that, following Yell's transformation into 'hibu', the company is to rebrand.

Yell, listings company and publishers of the Yellow Pages, announced yesterday their rebrand to the entirely invented word 'hibu' which a spokesman said is part of a plan to forge  "an identity to tell our story".

News Arse have hired the Steve Hilton Blue-Sky Workshop of Vienna to come up with a snappy title that will push the premier newsgathering website firmly into the second decade of the milennium.

A press release from SHBSV said that "we asked ourselves what it is that users want in online news and came to the conclusion that the key lay in the online - the method of news delivery - was more vital to the way users see the brand than the actual news itself. We wanted a snappy title that meant the most to the connected, online generation Y. Something really zeitgeisty and we think we've achieved that."

Sir Arsington-Newsly unveiled the new name, saying "While it's sad to lose the callback to the Arsington-Newsly name that has adorned the publication from it's early days of the pamphleteers, through the print world and now into online only, I and the board recognised that while tradition has it's place, it's also important to grow with our key demographics and respond to their needs while ensuring we stay ahead of the game. It therefore gives me great pleasure to reveal that, from now on, we will be going by the name Premier League XXX Mega Porno Superstore".

The new branding is subject to shareholder approval, but expected to go through with few issues.

Party donor writes policy paper that supports business ideals - calls critics 'Commies'

Rapacious vulture-capitalist, asset-stripper, loan-shark and Conservative party donor Adrian Beecroft, asked by the Conservative-led government to write a policy paper, has produced a report backing rapacious vulture-capitalism and asset-stripping.

The veracity of the report, which recommends poking employees with electic prods until they either work harder for less money or quit, hinges on the figure of £50bn-worth of growth in the economy that is being held back by not implementing the reforms Beecroft suggests. Critics suggest that, given the total lack of any evidence for the £50bn claim, any economic theory underpinning the figure and the fact that it appears to have been plucked out at random undermines the whole report. Others have said that getting party donors to draft policy is an absolute scandal of the first water and that paying to push for initiatives that support ones own business model is worse than the expenses and lobbying scandals that have hit parliament recently put together.

Beecroft himself was unapologetic and rounded on critics of his report. "I was asked what I'd do to boost business and as soon as I suggest sacking workers for no good reason, these pinkos start whining. We could really use a Senator McCarthy figure to weed these damn reds out". He elaborated on his own business practices and what he's been able to take from that and add into the report. "Having been stung for £150,000 for sacking an employee for no good reason, I learned quickly that removing the regulations regarding unfair dismissal would be an instant cost saving. Then I could sack anyone who didn't like the way I charge people over 4000% on loans and hire replacements on lower wages in a race to the bottom. And anyone who doesn't agree that that's good for business and employees is a big nasty leftie, nyaaar".

An opposition spokesperson countered Beecroft by saying "I think it is very odd that a venture capitalist has been put in charge of employment law review and yet appears to want to do very little to support employees". Again, Beecroft was largely unabashed in his response, saying "Look, I paid good money to my mates to be allowed to write this stuff so that I can do business the way I want without any nouveau-Soviet ringpiece sticking their oar and tell me it's unfair."

Friday 18 May 2012

Plans for state-funded nannying "not nanny state" says Cameron

Coalition plans to introduce state-funded nannying are "in no way a return to the nanny state", a defiant David Cameron told critics today.

At the launch of the Can Parent initiative - something Steve Hilton phoned in before he disappeared to California in an attempt to 'find himself' - the Prime Minister denied this was in any way a case of government involving itself in things he'd previously said that goverment shouldn't be involved in.

"I may have spent years in opposition complaining about Labour interfering in people's daily lives, but this is completely different. This is government getting involved in people's entire lives, even before they're born." He continued, saying "it's a totally different ideology. Labour are wedded to the idea of a centrist state and their ideas on this same issue come from that. I'm coming at it from the perspective of saying and doing anything so people are momentarily distracted from the fact that I keep blaming the Eurozone for an economic mess when they're not in recession and we are. It's completely different."

"This is not the nanny state", he concluded, "but a state service instructing people in the art of nannying. It's totally different".

Mr Hilton was unavailable for comment as he was roller-blading down Santa Monica beach whilst wearing a stupidly small pair of cut-off jeans.

Thursday 17 May 2012

Greece set for more elections

A third and final round of talks in Greece following indecisive elections have failed to come to an agreement over a coalition with the major parties at loggerheads over the details of the EU rescue package for the beleagured Greek economy. New elections are being sought, the fifth time Greeks have been asked to go to the polls since the 2008 economic crash and the second this year.
"We just love democracy so much in Greece" said professor of politics Kostas Panathinaikos of Piraeus University. "We gave it to the world, but we still love it so much. A lot of people are drawing conclusion from the last two elections that we're indecisive and don't know what we want. Thr truth is that democracy is very much entwined in the Greek psyche and we just love it, everything about it. We could have had four different governments made up out of the people we voted for last time, and the time before that, but we want more elections".

Classes are being run in schools and colleges to refine electoral technique. "Despite the number of recent elections", Professor Panathinaikos continued, "it always pays to hone your technique and of course there are new potential voters at every ballot who may feel a crash course is needed to survive among the more experienced voter".

Whatever the outcome of the next vote, uncertainty remains over the ability to form a stable government, but Professor Panathinaikos does not see this as an issue. "There are divisive issues that these elections are being fought on which makes the prospect of a unity government difficult to achieve. We wouldn't have it any other way. We just love democracy that much".

Virginia block appointment of gay judge

The state of Virginia was plunged into an equality row after Republicans on the state general assembly moved to block the appointment of a prominent local prosecutor, Tracy Thorne-Begland, to a position as a district judge.

While serving in the navy 20 years ago, Thorne-Begland came out as gay. Republican delegates on the general assembly argued that as this violated military rules - rules which have subsequently been discredited and abandoned - this makes him unsuitable to hold public office, but Jennifer McClellan, the Democratic delegate for the area in which Thorne-Begland lives, said that was an unfair representation as he'd been honourably discharged from the military twice.
The finger then points at out-and-out prejudice, and our reporter in Virginia spoke to prominent Republican activisits to find out more. One told us "If we appoint a gay judge, all his judgments will be gay. We want criminals going to jail and do hard time, not to watch musicals and decorate homes with tasteful decor. We don't want anyone in a position of power forcing us all to be gay"

Another said that "he's a man and he's called Tracy? I mean, what's up with that? Next he'll be forcing us all to have girls names and wear pink. That's what the Democrats want". "If God had meant for us all to be equal, then why did he make us all different?" countered a third.

The decision cannot now be overturned until next January as the assembly has been dissolved for the year and would be incumbent on Thorne-Begland's desire to renominate.

Wednesday 16 May 2012

England crash out of Euros

The England national football team crashed out of the European Championships, held in Poland and Ukraine, just over three weeks before the tournament started after a devastating loss to public reaction to the announcement of the squad on Twitter.

Thousands took to their keyboards within seconds of the naming of the 23-man squad - plus five on standby in case of injury - that will travel to the tournament and the reaction has been such that England have decided they might as well not bother and have crashed out without the inevitable quarter-final defeat on penalties to Italy in Donetsk.

Moments after the final name had been read, '#Hodgsonout' began to trend on Twitter and the immediate response from the FA was to pull the side from the competition. Spokesman Phil Suit said "We feel we have no option after the reaction we've seen but to withdraw. In effect, we lose our three group games 3-0 by default and are out of the tournament already without all that mucking about with training facilities, kicking balls, boring press conferences and something to do with John Terry being a massive helmet".

This is thought to be the earliest any side has been knocked out of the competition since Greece withdrew over 'Tzatziki-gate' back in 1964.

News Arse archives: Witch slams Salem Prosecution Service for charges

In Salem, Massachusets, suspected witch Banshee McHarridan slammed the local prosecution service for charging her with witchy offences saying it was a "weak and unjust" decision to level the charges and dismissed the day's events as an "expensive sideshow and waste of public money".

Speaking outside her solicitor's office, McHarridan said she could not express how angry she was that the rest of her coven had been "unfairly dragged into this".

The decision to bring the first charges in the long-running witchcraft investigation, Operation Mass Panic, had been announced earlier by Magistrate Samuel Sewall, of the SPS, in a high-profile outdoor statement, the lawyer said, in the interests of "transparency and accountability". McHarridan, however, condemned the live broadcast as "the further unprecedented posturing of the SPS".

McHarridan and her husband revealed they were to be charged some 10 minutes before the SPS live announcement on Tuesday morning. They promised they would make a further statement after attending the police station. They did that shortly after 5pm outside their solicitor's office.

Looking tired, McHarridan said: "Whilst I have always respected the criminal justice system, you have to question whether this decision has been made on a proper impartial assessment of the evidence. Although I understand the need for a thorough investigation, I am baffled by the decision to charge me. However, I cannot express my anger enough that those close to me have unfairly been dragged into this. As the details of the case emerge people will see today as an expensive sideshow, and a waste of public money as a result of this weak and unjust decision."

Standing next to her, Mr McHarridan raised doubts that his wife would get a fair trial. "There are eight police officers, about the equivalent of eight sheep-rustling squads, working on this; so it doesn't surprise me that the pressure is on to prosecute, no matter how weak the cases will be," he said. "I am confident that the lack of evidence against me will be borne out in court, but I have grave doubts that my wife will ever get a fair trial, given the volume of biased commentary which she has been subject to."

He also condemned the decision as "an attempt to use me and others as scapegoats, the effect of which is to ratchet up the pressure on my wife, who I believe is the subject of a witch-hunt".

The local constabulary said all twenty-nine defendants were released on bail to appear at Salem magistrates on 13 June. Where they will be hanged.

In the courts: Brooks and Mladic face trials

Serb warlord Ratko Mladic begins his trial in The Hague today where he stands accused of war crimes, including orchestrating the massacre of 8000 men and boys at Srebrenica during the 1990s.

In an outspoken statement to the press, Mladic made a defiant attack on the "weak and unjust" charges levelled against him and expressed anger that those close to him had been "unfairly dragged into this". Looking tired, Mladic said "Whilst I have always fully respected the criminal justice system, you have to question whether this decision has been made on a proper impartial assessment of the evidence. Although I understand the need for a thorough investigation, I am baffled by the decision to charge me. As the details of the case emerge people will see today as an expensive sideshow, and a waste of public money as a result of this weak and unjust decision".

A confidant and co-accused of Mladic added "I am confident that the lack of evidence against me will be borne out in court, but I have grave doubts that my general will ever get a fair trial, given the volume of biased commentary which he has been subject to".

In London, former Sun and News of the World editor Rebekah Brooks was charged along with several others with perverting the course of justice, a charge relating to the hacking of Milly Dowler's voicemail while a police investigation into her disappearance was ongoing. Brooks told reporters that she "doesn't recognise the authority of the court" while criticising the charges as "obnoxious" and monstrous" and that she "does not want to hear a single letter of or sentence of that indictment read out to me". She closed by saying "I was just defending my country newspaper".

Friday 11 May 2012

Hunt to be placed in actual bucket of shit

The Culture Secretary Jeremy Hunt is to be placed in an over-sized bucket filled to the brim with shit.

This unusual and arcane practise is rarely used these days, but has been part of Parliamentary procedure in England since the early 1400s. A constitutional expert told us that "the placing of the MP in the bucket of shit was often the first stage in stripping them of their role. Later, it became more of an outward symbol of just how badly they'd been doing their job, but in this instance seems more of a visualisation technique. The placing of Hunt in the bucket of shit will give the public an idea of how much metaphorical shit he's been dumped in by successive News International witnesses at the Leveson inquiry".

James and Rupert Murdoch both dumped a lot of shit on Hunt and Rebekah Brooks subsequently piled more on top. The amount of shit Hunt has been placed in - and will be at the bucket-dunking ceremony - is thought to be a UK Parliament record. "Previously", continued our expert, "the shit would come up to the knee, perhaps the waist in extreme cases. For Hunt, we expect it to come up to just below his nose, if he tilts his head back".

The shit-bucket ceremony is expected to provide a highlight to the opening of the Olympic Games.

Health alert sends Wapping into lockdown

A serious health alert has seen the Wapping area locked down for fear of contagion.

Water quality and air conditioning experts are being sent in to the News International headquarters in Wapping to try and trace the source of infection. Structural engineers, airborne disease experts and virologists are also on their way to try and trace the outbreak to it's origin.

Problems have been noted in people who have spent a lot of time in the area and it's thought those most exposed have acquired a degenerative brain condition. This first manifests itself in patchy short-term memory whereby the sufferer can only recall things that either aren't self-incriminating or point the finger elsewhere. Anything directly or tangentially attributable to the sufferer is forgotten.

Other symptoms include endlessly repeating a clearly fabricated story long after it's been discredited and an inability to take facts at face value. Sufferers may also fail to recognise that some things are beyond social norms such as massive corruption, undermining parlimentary process and publishing personal, private medical details.

Anyone suffering any of these symptoms and has spent time in the Wapping area at any point over the last ten years is advised to report to the Leveson inquiry.

LOL not the only acronym Cameron has issues with

In testimony to the Leveson inquiry, former Sun and News of the World editor Rebekah Brooks told how the Prime Minister would sign off text messages to her with "LOL", under the impression it meant 'lots of love'. Of being told it's actual meaning - 'laugh out loud' - Mr Cameron stopped using it.

This  isn't the first or only acronym and/or initialisation that the Prime Minister has got wrong. Other common internet and text-speak abbreviations include WTF - 'what the fuck?', as expression of surprise and alarm - which Cameron thought meant 'World Trade Fair' and had instructed civil servants to get down to King's Cross after seeing a message on Twitter saying "WTF is going on at King's Cross?" It turned out to be a minor traffic incident leading to some queuing. A couple of diplomatic incidents were narrowly averted when Cameron sent messages ending 'PMSL' - 'piss myself laughing' - to world leaders dealing with national disasters. Prime Minister of Pakistan Asif Ali Zardari had to be calmed by aides for hours after receiving a message from his British counterpart after the devastating floods. The message is thought to have read "terrible news about the flooding, PMSL", with Cameron under the impression he had signed off 'Prime Minister sends love".

But it isn't just those commonly used in electronic communications; he also has trouble with governmental acronyms and abbreviations. PSBR - public sector borrowing requirement - has been translated in the head of the country's leader as 'please slash budgets recklessly', while NHS appears to have been interpreted as 'national horse sale'. "On arriving at Number 10", a former aide to the PM told us, "he was adamant that government had no business in the NHS as buying and selling horses was not a key function for the state and instructed us to sell it off forthwith. When we finally explained what the NHS was, we had a jolly good laugh before he told us to go and sell that off forthwith anyway".

Thursday 10 May 2012

US Republicans respond to Obama's support for same-sex marriage

Republican party grandees reacted with fury, astonishment and a little curiosity to President Obama's vocal support for same-sex marriage.

Having spent a lot of time vacillating on the issue, and having teased Republicans further by saying his views on the matter were "evolving", Obama finally expressed his opinion that same-sex couples should enjoy the same rights as anybody else. The President told ABC that "At a certain point I just concluded, for me personally, it is important for me to go ahead and affirm that I think same-sex couples should be able to get married". He said he had been swayed by the service of gays and lesbians in the US armed forces, which is odd as after saying he'd repeal the 'don't ask, don't tell' policy in the run-up to the 2008 election, he then spent two years doing fuck all about it.

Naturally, the Republicans were outraged by the President's comments. "This is typical of the Democrats", said right-wing evangelical nutjob and spectacular point-misser Ralph Reed, "forcing people into homosexual relationships. Any God-fearing American would be appalled at having to shack up with another guy and do whatever it is they do in the comfort of their own homes."

Erstwhile Republican candidate for the Presidency Newt Gingrich said that this was typical of the Democrats and their love of 'big government'. "We in the Republican party believe that government should not be involved in the day-to-day lives of Americans. Except of course when it comes to telling you which bits of you that you are/are not allowed to insert into which bits of which other people". He continued to protest too much, saying "Who does Obama think he is to say that consensual acts between grown adults are not the business of government? He's basically worse than Stalin".

"This is an assault on the traditional marriage", the thrice-divorced Rush Limbaugh hypocrisised as a nation wondered why on earth anything Limbaugh has ever said has been given credence.

Thursday 3 May 2012

Londoners marking 100 days to end of Olympics

Events were taking place across London today, marking one hundred days to the end of the Olympic Games with a new motto unveiled to the public.

Community leaders from across the capital came together to launch the official motto of the end of the Olympics: 'Thank fuck that's over'. A press release issued alongside the motto said "this accurately sums up the feelings of many Londoners. People from every borough have contributed to this project and we really feel there's even more a sense of community after this exercise than before".

Community ambassadors have been appointed and were made available to the press at the launch event. One told us that what she was most looking forward to was "them taking that ruddy great missile battery off the roof of our flats" while another expressed hope at seeing the snipers off the roof opposite leaving and going back to base in Surrey.

For the actual day when the Olympics end, a large display of extended middle fingers will be shown towards the armed helicopters that will have been buzzing overhead for the previous three weeks before a collective sigh before a cup of tea and the first decent night's kip London will have had for some time.

Today also marks 35 years until the cost of the games is paid off.

Tuesday 1 May 2012

Lloyds boss aims to corner fraud market

António Horta-Osório, chief executive of Lloyds Banking Group, hit out against fraudulent claims for compensation in relation to mis-selling of payment protection insurance, PPI, the biggest racket going in banking during the 1990s and early 2000s.

Horta-Osório alleges that 25% of claims for compensation submitted by claims management firms are for customers who did not have products with the banks against which claims were being made. "We have to stop this", said Horta-Osório, "this is fraud. This is stepping into an environment that we had cornered with PPI in the first place and I'll be damned if I'm going to stand by and let these fly-by-nights muscle in on our territory".

PPI was sold in large amounts to people who never requested it, bundled up with loans and other financial products. It was sold to people who would never have qualified for it - the self-employed, for example - and was rarely paid out on, so restrictive were the terms. However, selling it in large amounts and never paying out on it swelled bank profits to record highs, masking the true extent of liabilities in other areas such as the US sub-prime mortgage market and complex collateralised debt obligations which helped bring the world banking system - capitalism itself - to the brink of collapse in 2008.

"As head of one of the major banking groups in the UK", Horta-Osório continued, "it is up to me to ensure we maintain a competitive advantage in those fields in which we excel. We excel in fleecing people for everything they've got and splurging the proceeds on yachts in Monte Carlo and we will be working very hard to limit payouts on past frauds while striving to create new ones that won't come to light for a number of years by which time most of the senior executives will have retired to the tax haven of their choosing".

Lloyds Banking Group is 41% owned by the public, something Horta-Osório was quick to asknowledge. "We must never forget the genrosity of the British taxpayer to bail out a failing insitution - a failing industry. And we'll be tapping them up again when our next big scam brings capitalism to it's knees" he concluded before jetting off in his solid gold spaceship.

Hodgson for England: the reaction

With Roy Hodgson set to be named as the new manager of the England mens national football team, a lot of news outlets immediately went to rent-a-quote dog-financier Harry Redknapp for his reaction, some in the seeming belief that it was he who should have been approached by the FA. His reaction largely involved the phrases "triffic", "I like the boy, but he's not my player" and, bizarrely, "I don't hold grudges".

Instead of going to that particular irrelevant opinion, we sought out some other completely disinterested parties for their reaction to the news of Hodgson's appointment.

Philosopher Alain de Botton said that Hodgson is a man who "won't get sucked into that staus anxiety. He's not a man who worries too much about what others think of him; he and he alone will determine whether he thinks he's been a success. This will undoubtedly be beneficial with the rabid English press waiting to stick the boot in". De Botton continued, saying "Hodgson's subscription to Epicurean theories of scientific observation allows him to make dispassionate comparisons of the talent at his disposal. That sounds like bad news for Matthew Upson if you ask me."

Former secretary general of the United Nations Javier Pérez de Cuéllar praised Hodgson's grasp of multiple languages, reckoning that "it shows he's able to be diplomatic and sensitive to the concerns of others". During his time with the UN, de Cuéllar had to deal with the Falklands War, Namibian independence, the separation of Cyprus and the conflict in the Western Sahara. "My ability to communicate across language and cultural barriers helped me tread delicately over dangerous ground. Hodgson has that ability also. This is a good appointment".

Finally, we asked long-dead economist John Maynard Keynes and he told us "it's clear that Hodgson applies my economic theories into football management. I suggest that individual micro-economic decisions that may seem rational in themselves can lead to inefficiency at macro-economic level and I believe that's as true in football as it is in global economic structures. Hodgson strikes me as someone who can take that macro overview and ensure that decisions taken lower down the tree do not interfere with the overall vision". Keynes went on to say "English football can be said to have been in a long-term recession - a depression even - and only this ability to micro-manage at the bottom level without distorting the overall vision is going to get them out of it. Economically speaking, this is exactly the right move".

Kim Kardashian was unavailable for comment, but is said to not hold a grudge.