Uncontroversial statement causes outrage

A totally inoffensive and non-controversial statement on social networking site Twitter today caused a massive storm in a teacup.

People who were trying to make it look like they were doing the job they were elected to do and not just pissing around on the internet seized on the statement and attempted to score cheap political points by making the non-controversial statement sound as if there was a semblance of controversy attached to it by quoting the statement without a shred of historical context.

This transparent attempt at politicking gained far more ground than it ever should as media outlets with agendas to push more or less cited the 'rivers of blood' speech and invented a history of oppression of the white man to drum up some controversy, the initial statement on Twitter clearly not having any attached to it. The person making the statement had been so harangued that she was forced into an apology, but as it was one of those modern apologies where one apologises for the offence caused, thereby throwing it back on the person one is supposed to be apologising to like it's their fault, it didn't really mean anything anyway and can be ignored.

The teacup was unharmed.

Princess unveils list of charities

The Duchess of Cambridge today unveiled the charities to which republicans will no longer be donating to.

The former Kate Middleton stymied the chances of the Scout Association, Action On Addiction and the National Portrait Gallery's chances of ever raising funds from people who can't quite understand why such an outdated and anachronistic concept such as royalty exists so deep into the 21st century.

The Art Room and East Anglia's Children Hospices are also expected to see donations from rational human beings drop. Leading campaigner against retention of a feudal system, Oz Trailier, said "well if these places are getting money from the royals, then we're kind of already paying for it anyway aren't we, so bugger it". The opposite view came from flag-waving idiot Pat Riotism who said "oh, she looked so lovely at the wedding didn't she? Makes you proud to be British".

Piers Morgan has an idea - PICTURE EXCLUSIVE

Shocking footage emerged from the Leveson inquiry into press standards today as Piers Morgan gave evidence via video link from a location thought to be Los Angeles, though Morgan himself could neither confirm nor deny that.
Morgan, real name Piers Stefan Massive Arsehole O'Meara, had already denied that his published diaries were a factual representation and that he was a robbing crook who had indulged in insider trading when the most shocking revelation occurred. Mid-denial of something he'd previously claimed as fact, it appeared that Morgan had an original thought - an idea, even. Pictorial evidence leaked to this publication seems to back up the claim.

Independent witnesses described the scenes as the large light appeared above Moron's head. "One minute it was there", said one member of the press pack, "but it quickly flickered and died when it became apparent that he wasn't capable of sustaining a single idea for more than a fleeting second". Another said "I blinked, so I must have missed it".
Idea Seismology expert Dr Noah Idea of the University of North Suffolk told us that his instrumentation registered an anomaly at around the same time. "We noticed a slight wobble in the idea-o-sphere on the west coast of the USA at around the same time the light appeared over Morgan's head, but it's unclear as to whether this was statistically significant. It's about on the same level that a normal human male registers when he decides it's time to breathe in".
Questioned about the apparent thought, Morgan could neither confirm nor deny that he'd had one or that he could remember what it was. It's thought to be the first time independent thought has been associated with Morgan and unclear as to whether it will ever happen again.

World of golf mourns Kim Jong-Il

The Royal & Ancient and US PGA paid tribute today as the world's greatest golfer, North Korean tyro Kim Jong-Il, passed away at the age of 69.

Kim's golfing career only got going when Pyongyang's first golf course was completed, but the naturally talented right-hander blazed round in a record 38 under par, including eleven holes-in-one, all independently verified on pain of execution by his seventeen bodyguards caddies. That barnstorming opening to his career was backed up by a stellar spell where he regularly dipped south of 20 under par and rarely failed to make at least four holes-in-one. He continued to play at this high level despite age and infirmity beginning to catch up with after the first of his strokes in 2008.

With travel restrictions on North Koreans, Kim was rarely seen at the majors, but it's safe to assume, given his remarkable stats, that any combination of Woods, Norman, Faldo, Palmer, Ballesteros and Nicklaus at their peak would have been blown off the course. Indeed, only fellow world statesman and enormous golfing cheat Bill Clinton came anywhere close to matching Kim's numbers.

The North Korean Golf Association has invested heavily in it's youth development programme and the 20-something year old Kim Jong-Un is widely tipped to match his father's achievements.

5,000 people watch The One Show

The BBC were forced to apologise today after it transpired that around 5000 people had tuned in to yesterday's edition of The One Show.

"Frankly, we just turn out any old rubbish as we figure nobody would bother tuning to a rehashed version of Nationwide", said an insider who asked to remain anonymous, "but when people rang in to complain about Jeremy Clarkson doing his Jeremy Clarkson shtick, we figured they must actually have seen the show".

Mr Clarkson appeared on the show to perform his tried and tested routine about how outraged by vaguely sensible actions he is. BBC executive Phil Suit said "We really thought people had better things to do whenever it is that the show goes out, but we were proved wrong in this instance and for that, we really must apologise".

Mr Clarkson has a book and/or DVD to sell.

Mr Pot tells Leveson "kettles are black"

In a stormy session of the Leveson inquiry into blackness of kettle standards, Alastair Pot sensationally claimed that kettles are very black indeed.

"Having worked as a kettle before", Pot began in his address to the inquiry, "I can tell you that they are extremely black". He later went on to say that while he may at one time have been as black as a kettle, he had changed his ways. "While I admit that I bear all the hallmarks of a kettle, I am in fact very, very, very, very, very, very, very dark blue".