Piers Morgan still a twat despite saying something you agreed with last year

 TV irritant Piers Morgan is still a twat, according to new research, despite him having said something last year that you agreed with.

With many people having reassessed Morgan's twattishness on the back of saying something you agreed with over the last twelve months, research from The Institute Of Stating The Bleedin' Obvious shows that underlying levels of twattishness remained even during this period.

"With him having said something you agree with", Dr Todd Bonzalez from the institute told us, "his expected twattishness (xT) remained high throughout. You just thought it had dipped because he was, for a change, bullying someone you didn't like". 

The shock of adjusting back to the previous state of being aware just how much of a twat Piers Morgan is has clearly hit many quite hard. "I thought he had changed", said one member of the public, "when I saw him bawling out that pathetic twat Matt Hancock last year. But now he's had a crack at someone I'm mildly sympathetic to.. well we've all been duped haven't we?"

Dr Bonzalez says this is down purely to perception and low levels of expectation. "A slight plateau in an otherwise vertically-upward trend can appear to be a recession, especially when there are so many twats in the public eye as there have been over the last year. But Morgan's relentless twattishness really never went away and neither has his ability to make everything about him."

Foreign secretary makes desperate bid for attention

Political non-entity Philip Hammond today attempted to remind the populous that he both exists and holds a senior Cabinet position by echoing Enoch Powell.

Despots stunned as UK electorate votes to get rid of human rights

Despots from around the world have expressed shock as the UK electorate vote for the one party that wishes to scrap their human rights in an open and free election.

The forgotten victims of the coalition: the tax disc holder makers

The jobless, the disabled, the young: these are the faces of the victims of the brutal assault on social security by the coalition government. But the extent of austerity is felt much wider across society and it's taken until now for government policy to hit home to certain sections.
This week, we highlight an entire industry facing closure with thousands of jobs set to go with no sign of anything to replace them.

The REAL 50 things every man should know

The appearance of a list of things that all men should know has inevitably produced a number of counter-argued lists that, perhaps correctly, pointed out what a bland, beige, Coldplay existence the original author must live. Then those counter-argued lists started attracting counter-argued counter-arguments and as News Arse's mens editor likes a bandwagon as much as the next columnist, here's why all those other lists of 50 things every man should know are wrong and why these are the REAL 50 things every man should know.

TV election debates to include 'entire-voting age public'

After arguments about who should and should not be invited to the TV election debates, broadcasters have drawn up a plan that will see every member of the voting-age public of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland invited to participate.

American football fans admit 'we don't know what XLIX means'

As yesterday's Conference championship games fade into the memory and focus shifts to the Superbowl in a fortnight's time in Phoenix, fans of American football across the world have begun to admit that they don't know what XLIX means.

Wanton killing 'harms message' - report

A report released today by the centre-left thinktank the Institute of Stating The Bleeding Obvious suggests that killing people 'harms the message' that the perpetrators are attempting to get across.

Muhammad: I didn't realise I needed avenging

The prophet Muhammad today broke his silence following the murder of staff at French satirical newspaper Charlie Hebdo earlier this week where twelve people were gunned down in his name. The prophet shook off the handicap of being dead for 1500 years to grant us an exclusive interview.

Nobel committee "proud" as former peace prize winner prepares new war

The Nobel prize committee today declared themselves "proud" as former peace prize winner Barack Obama seemed prepared to launch another military assault on another nation.

With Syrian president Bashar al-Assad seemingly ready to deploy chemical and biological weapons against his own people, a world that previously couldn't give a shit about Syria has decided that that really would be beyond the pale.

This follows Obama's 'troop surge' in Afghanistan and deployment of military aircraft in enforcing the no-fly zone over Libya during the uprising against President Ghadaffi. In a television interview, Obama said "I have, at this point, not ordered military engagement in the situation. But the point that you made about chemical and biological weapons is critical. That's an issue that doesn't just concern Syria; it concerns our close allies in the region, including Israel. It concerns us. We cannot have a situation where chemical or biological weapons are falling into the hands of the wrong people. We have been very clear to the Assad regime, but also to other players on the ground, that a red line for us is we start seeing a whole bunch of chemical weapons moving around or being utilised. That would change my calculus. That would change my equation."

This has been widely interpreted as intent to develop a plan to launch military action, something recognised by the Nobel prize committee. "We're proud to have given the most easily recognisable award for peace to someone who is planning to embark on a third conflict overseas and have commissioned a special award to commemorate the expected launch of an offensive on Syria", a member of the awards committee told us. "Should it go ahead, President Obama will set a new record for the number of armed conflicts launched by a Nobel peace laureate, in no way conflicting with the ideals and intentions of the prize."

"It's said that satire died when we gave the award to Henry Kissinger", said our insider, "but this shows that we're prepared to dig up satire's rotten corpse and give it the kicking of a lifetime if we feel the need to".

Russian gold in Predictable Trial Outcome

The final event of the Olympics was won by Russia, five days after the official end of the games.

Faced with a stiff challenge from neighbours Ukraine - who jailed former Prime Minister Yulia Tymoschenko on trumped-up corruption charges - and new Asian challengers Bahrain, for locking up human rights activist Nabeel Rajab, former Predictable Trial Outcomes champion Russia needed a big play to regain their crown.

They found such a play in the Pussy Riot trial, one universally slated as irregular and unfair, on charges of holliganism motivated by religious hatred. The PTO judges scored it highly on the spurious nature of the charges, the lack of time for a defence to be mounted and the concealment of the real reasons to punish the three defendants. All of these contributed to a highly predictable outcome, coming with a high degree of difficulty.

Ukraine took silver with the highly predictable Tymoschenko outcome with Bahrain taking bronze. Both entries scored highly, but fell down on the difficulty aspect with judges saying "there's predictable and then there's bleedin' obvious. Bahrain just weren't trying hard enough to be convoluted. I mean, human rights activist in a Middle Eastern kingdom ruled by an autocratic family? Yaawwwnn".

Russia expect to defend their title strongly in four years time, but are openly wary of some strong contenders coming through. "It's the Saudis we fear most", said the Russian chef de mission, "who will probably lock a woman up for having one toenail slightly longer than the decency police determine it should be. We're very happy to have won this gold, but realise competition is only getting stronger all around the world".

Government advisers to attempt reverse psychology

Civil servants and independent government advisers, fed up of having their advice ignored or over-ruled, are to try using reverse psychology to persuade ministers that they should be listened to.

After Professor David Nutt was removed from his post on the Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs for giving independent advice unpalatable to a previous regime, it transpires today that Education Secretary Michael Gove has ignored the School Playing Fields Advisory Panel five times in the last fifteen months, more than in the previous nine years. Civil servants and appointees to these advisory panels have finally had enough and are to start using new tactics to get their recommendations listened to.

A representative of civil service union PSCU told us "our members are completely fed up of being over-ruled, undermined and sidelined by ministers. As such, we've drafted new guidelines with the help of our members in order that more of their carefully researched and independent advice is more likely to be acted on".

The guidelines show that ministers behave a lot like children, so threatening to deny them pudding should they not sit quietly and listen is one tactic. The naughty step, so beloved of modern parenting guides, is also to be a sanction should advice go unheeded. But these are retro-active, only coming into effect once the minister goes against the recommendations that his/her office is payig for, so the more radical idea is to use reverse psychology to try to get the advice at least acknowledged in the first place.

"The plan is to describe the diametric opposite scenario of the one that the research shows to be the wiser course of action", the PCS representative continued. "So when we advise Michael Gove not to sanction the flogging off of a school playing field, we'll say 'selling that field off and depriving the kids of somewhere to exercise and do sport in the way that the government have said should be available is exactly the right thing to do'. Given his track record, he's bound to do the exact opposite and leave it open. If only David Nutt had recommended that cannabis definitely, absolutely be upgraded to a new class A*, he might still be in a job and sense might have prevailed in the hysterical world of drugs legislation".

Drawbacks are sensed though, with capricious ministers suddenly having a moment of clarity and beginning to listen just as the new guidelines are put into place. "It's a risk", our insider told us, "but would that be any worse a situation than we're already in?"

Popular baby names show Olympic influence

The list of most popular names for newborns in the UK released this week shows that the Olympic games had a significant influence on parents. British success on two wheels, on the water and on the track saw sharp rises in a number of names not normally on the list alongside the more traditional Olivers and Olivias.

For boys, the new top ten is:
1. Bradley
2. Wiggo
3. Sideburns
4. Danny Boyle
5. Phelps
6. Brownlee
7. Pendleton
8. Omnium
9. Sir Chris Hoy
10. Team GB

Among those dropping down the list are Boris, Cameron, Relay and Phillips Idowu.

For girls, the top names are:
1. Jennis
2. Ye
3. Na
4. Missy
5. Dressage
6. Clare Balding
7. Ohuruogu
8. Mo
9. Farah
10. Dame Kelly Holmes

The new least popular name is Yu Yang while others dropping down the rankings include Jessie J and Australia.

Minister under fire for 'cash in hand' comments`

Treasury minister David Gauke came under fire today after suggesting that tradesmen explicitly offering discounts for cash was "morally wrong" during an interview on yesterday's Newsnight.

Consumer groups reacted angrily saying that cash payments were often more secure for single-person operations as there's no chance of cash bouncing and the imminent phasing out of the cheque will add a level of complexity to the process. "Demonising all cash tansactions is inherently anti-small business, the very group the government profess to support", said a press release from a small business representative body.

Gauke hit back strongly, telling our reporter "Clearly what I was driving at was that deliberately avoiding tax is wrong. What should happen is that the tradesman sets up an Employee Benefit Trust in the Cayman Islands with himself as one of the named directors. Then you as a consumer can transfer money into that and the tradesman can then draw down loans from the trust in lieu of wages at zero interest and with no obligation to repay. That's how I pay my cleaners and it creates jobs for accountants. It's good, honest British tax avoidance and not weaselly, shameless evasion".

A spokesgobshite from tax-averse lobbyists the Taxpayers Alliance said "blah blah blah tax, ooh, no thanks, blah blah".

Experts baffled by Chinese economic slow-down

Market analysts around the world expressed bewilderment at the latest economic figures coming out of China and fear for the impact of these numbers on fragile economies around the world.

"Having seen double-digit growth for quite some time now", an Asian market analyst told us, "we naturally assumed that this would go on for ever and ever and ever. Now it seems that high rates of growth eventually plateau, as if they were starting from a really low base or something and were effectively playing catch-up to more developed economies. I mean, how were we supposed to see that coming?"

The figures are forcing a rethink on what China and other rapidly developing economies may be able to achieve in future. "We'd based all our assumptions of how global markets work on China - and others like Brazil and India - growing at a rate of above 10% for the remainder of history. That's what all our sums are based on. Now that we have evidence that limitless growth is not just unlikely, but impossible, we haven't got a clue what to do", concluded our analyst.

The Chinese themselves remain unruffled. "You may not be able to buy our exports", an official government statement read, "but we still own your ass anyway, suckers".

Berlusconi backs campaign to free Russian protestors

Media mogul and former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi yesterday became the highest profile backer of a campaign to free jailed Russian protestors Pussy Riot.

Nadezhda Tolokonnikova, Ekaterina Samutsevich and Maria Alehina – all members of the anarchic Pussy Riot punk band – have been in prison since March, held on charges of hooliganism which could eventually mean a seven-year sentence, after attempting to perform a protest anthem inside Moscow's most important Orthodox church, Christ the Saviour cathedral. But with no trial date set, no signs that they will be released and opposition to Putin spreading, support for the trio has grown, even among those who at first condemned them.

The campaign to free the trio has been gradually gaining ground across all sections of Russian society and beyond into the wider world with support from one-time Beastie Boy Ad-Rock and punk band Anti-Flag. The hashtag #freepussyriot has been trending worldwide on Twitter, and it's on this that Mr Berlusconi responded to in declaring his support.

Asked by our reporter why he supported the expansion of democracy in Russia, Mr Berlusconi "I'm supporting what? I thought it was..... Oh, never mind".

South Korea whaling plan "in name of science"

South Korea is proposing to hunt whales under provisions made for scientific research, echoing the programme of near neighbour Japan.

There are several stocks of minke whales in the area which the South Korean delegation to the International Whaling Commission (IWC) said they plan to conduct research into, something which the New Zealand delegation said "borders on the reckless".

But Joon-Suk Kang, head of the South Korean delegation, said the programme was necessary to answer questions about minke whale stocks that non-lethal research has been unable to solve. "We need to make proper assessments of whale stocks", Joon-Suk told the commission, "like which wine goes best with minke whale carpaccio. If you can tell me that without killing a minke whale... well good luck to you sirs".

Australia's Donna Petrochenko took the same line as the New Zealanders, saying "this is commercial whaling, pure and simple". Joon-Suk was unbowed, claiming "nonsense. This is valuable scientific research. Valuably delicious research, yum yum yum" as he licked his lips and rubbed his stomach.

Celebrations at CERN on discovery of new FIFA rankings

There were celebrations today at the CERN laboratories beneath the Swiss countryside as, after months of research and peer-checking of results, they finally found evidence of a FIFA rankings list that has England in fourth.

Lead scientists explained to the press that readings with a deviation of 5 sigma at 126.5GeV, it was very likely that this was indeed a FIFA ranking which had England at number four in the world. "It shows all the signs of being a [world ranking of four]. A deviation of 5 sigma means - in the simplest form - that we're 99.999% sure that we have what we think we have", chirruped ubiquitous TV physicist Brian Cox.

Others were more guarded, especially in light of similar experiments that initially showed particles moving faster than light. "We need to check, cross-check and then check the cross-checking to be absolutely certain", one researcher told us. "I mean, it just sounds implausible."

"We've found this ranking using techniques tuned to the Standard Ranking Model", Tomasso Dorigo, scientist on the CMS experiment said. "A different ranking may have stepped in, but it's very unlikely in my humble opinion".

The finding of the so-called 'god ranking' is said to be fundamental to our understanding of how FIFA rankings are compiled.

Queen prepares for historic handshake

The Queen is in Belfast today where, in an historic symbol of accord and reconciliation, she is to shake the hand of Deputy First Minister and former chief of staff of the IRA Martin McGuinness.

The handshake between the two has been variously described as "historic", "hugely significant", descriptive of "a life beyond conflict" and "just a fucking handshake".

We asked two-time major golf championship winner and handshake enthusiast Greg Norman for an insider's analysis of how the handshake will go. "It's important Her Majesty gets the stance right", the Australian right-hander told us, "as all the power is generated through a solid base. Get that wrong and you may end up with a limp effort that ends up doing more damage to a delicate situation as it could be interpreted as an insult."

The Shark went on to describe atmospheric conditions that could hinder a successful conclusion to the handshake. "She has to take account of the wind, make sure she good palm-to-palm contact. I remember the 1993 Open championship and closing out my round with Berhard Langer. A sudden gust from the north-east almost blew my hand out of the way like I was doing that childhood prank of pulling it away at the last minute. That almost caused a diplomatic incident, but like the pro he is, Bernhard read it and adjusted at the last moment to complete a successful shake".

The handshake is thought to be a standard three pumps and release, no clasping of second hand over the top and any move by McGuinness to give it the bear hug on the back of it is likely to prompt a swift and decisive response from the security services. "The best plan for McGuinness", Norman ended by telling us, "is to take his lead from the Queen on this first one. If they decide to go for it again, then maybe some extra affectation may be possible. I'd stay away from the fist-bump though. The Queen hates that".

Greek depression further delays Parthenon completion

The deep financial depression in Greece has seen the date of completion of the Parthenon in Athens put back even further.

Construction of the temple to the goddess Athena was started in 447BC, but today it's still half-built and there is little evidence of recent construction activity on the site. Chief architect Kallikrates told News Arse about the difficulties facing the Greek construction industry. "Our contractors went bust approximately 2470 years ago and many more have gone to the wall since. Inflation is all over the place, so contractors can't price jobs with any accuracy, so we find it difficult to get a commitment to a long term project like this as the price a year - a month - from today could be wildly different. I mean, a couple of frescos when we started this project was a few hundred talents - now, many millions of euros".

"With prices rising and wages under pressure to stay down" Kallikrates continued, "it's also hard to find labour and retain it. Skilled labour the sort of which we need to finish the marbles that will be pinched for some other country's museums is also hard to find given the cost pressures that are on the job".

Despite all the issues facing the Parthenon project, it's still expected to be cheaper and less late than the rebuilt Wembley stadium in London.