Celebrations at CERN on discovery of new FIFA rankings

There were celebrations today at the CERN laboratories beneath the Swiss countryside as, after months of research and peer-checking of results, they finally found evidence of a FIFA rankings list that has England in fourth.

Lead scientists explained to the press that readings with a deviation of 5 sigma at 126.5GeV, it was very likely that this was indeed a FIFA ranking which had England at number four in the world. "It shows all the signs of being a [world ranking of four]. A deviation of 5 sigma means - in the simplest form - that we're 99.999% sure that we have what we think we have", chirruped ubiquitous TV physicist Brian Cox.

Others were more guarded, especially in light of similar experiments that initially showed particles moving faster than light. "We need to check, cross-check and then check the cross-checking to be absolutely certain", one researcher told us. "I mean, it just sounds implausible."

"We've found this ranking using techniques tuned to the Standard Ranking Model", Tomasso Dorigo, scientist on the CMS experiment said. "A different ranking may have stepped in, but it's very unlikely in my humble opinion".

The finding of the so-called 'god ranking' is said to be fundamental to our understanding of how FIFA rankings are compiled.

England crash out of Euros

The England national football team crashed out of the European Championships, held in Poland and Ukraine, just over three weeks before the tournament started after a devastating loss to public reaction to the announcement of the squad on Twitter.

Thousands took to their keyboards within seconds of the naming of the 23-man squad - plus five on standby in case of injury - that will travel to the tournament and the reaction has been such that England have decided they might as well not bother and have crashed out without the inevitable quarter-final defeat on penalties to Italy in Donetsk.

Moments after the final name had been read, '#Hodgsonout' began to trend on Twitter and the immediate response from the FA was to pull the side from the competition. Spokesman Phil Suit said "We feel we have no option after the reaction we've seen but to withdraw. In effect, we lose our three group games 3-0 by default and are out of the tournament already without all that mucking about with training facilities, kicking balls, boring press conferences and something to do with John Terry being a massive helmet".

This is thought to be the earliest any side has been knocked out of the competition since Greece withdrew over 'Tzatziki-gate' back in 1964.