Wednesday, 18 February 2015

The REAL 50 things every man should know

The appearance of a list of things that all men should know has inevitably produced a number of counter-argued lists that, perhaps correctly, pointed out what a bland, beige, Coldplay existence the original author must live. Then those counter-argued lists started attracting counter-argued counter-arguments and as News Arse's mens editor likes a bandwagon as much as the next columnist, here's why all those other lists of 50 things every man should know are wrong and why these are the REAL 50 things every man should know.

Men's lifestyle columnists are full of shit.

Cheating at a pub quiz makes you a massive arsehole.

That football doesn't begin and end with the Premier League.

That sport doesn't begin and end with football.

Order Guinness first, you bar-hogging titweasel.

Coldplay are shit.

Actually, order Guinness after mojitos, but still before everything else.

It's possible to be independent in your own choice of clothes.

And to be tolerant of other people's independent choices.

Those Ladbrokes adverts are not a guide on how to live your life.

French cars break down. Often.

As do Italian ones.

Oasis aren't relevant any more.

If you vote Conservative, you ARE a tosser.

And getting more right wing as you get older is a myth. It's by choice not inevitability, you sociopathic wankstain.

Top Gear is shit.

Jeremy Clarkson is not a role model.

How many is that? 18?? This is harder than I first thought.

A little rebellion every day keeps the blues away.

Nobody cares about rugby union. Nobody.

The sock maketh the man.

Anyone describing themselves as a 'meninist' is an intolerable dickhead.

We are not in a matriarchal society.

Work ≠ life.

To that end, nobody really cares what deal you struck with whom for how much.

Thou shalt not use the word 'banter'.

Or 'gotten' for that matter.

Racism isn't funny.

Sexism and sexual violence isn't funny.

Homophobia isn't funny.

Laughing at homophobes, sexists and racists is great.

Your team winning is not the be all and end all.

If you think there is a something-for-nothing culture, it's probably you that is getting something for nothing.

You do benefit from the state, despite what you might like to think.

Lists on news websites are pure clickbait.

But even the interns can knock them together in five minutes, so why not eh?

I mean, it's only the future of journalism and that.

C P Scott is probably spinning in his grave.

Do not ever pull wheeled luggage behind you.

Will this do yet?

You do not reverse from a minor route onto a major route.

If you feel the need for wheeled luggage, you have too much stuff.

And it makes you look like some sort of walking slug.

Travel light.

Seth Rogen is unlikely to have played a role in any film that will, in fifty years time, be regarded as seminal, important or good.

Anti-intellectualism isn't cool.


We really need to pad this out to fifty.

Got one.

Recognise lists like these as the fatuous, patronising bollocks that they so clearly are.

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