Russian gold in Predictable Trial Outcome

The final event of the Olympics was won by Russia, five days after the official end of the games.

Faced with a stiff challenge from neighbours Ukraine - who jailed former Prime Minister Yulia Tymoschenko on trumped-up corruption charges - and new Asian challengers Bahrain, for locking up human rights activist Nabeel Rajab, former Predictable Trial Outcomes champion Russia needed a big play to regain their crown.

They found such a play in the Pussy Riot trial, one universally slated as irregular and unfair, on charges of holliganism motivated by religious hatred. The PTO judges scored it highly on the spurious nature of the charges, the lack of time for a defence to be mounted and the concealment of the real reasons to punish the three defendants. All of these contributed to a highly predictable outcome, coming with a high degree of difficulty.

Ukraine took silver with the highly predictable Tymoschenko outcome with Bahrain taking bronze. Both entries scored highly, but fell down on the difficulty aspect with judges saying "there's predictable and then there's bleedin' obvious. Bahrain just weren't trying hard enough to be convoluted. I mean, human rights activist in a Middle Eastern kingdom ruled by an autocratic family? Yaawwwnn".

Russia expect to defend their title strongly in four years time, but are openly wary of some strong contenders coming through. "It's the Saudis we fear most", said the Russian chef de mission, "who will probably lock a woman up for having one toenail slightly longer than the decency police determine it should be. We're very happy to have won this gold, but realise competition is only getting stronger all around the world".

Berlusconi backs campaign to free Russian protestors

Media mogul and former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi yesterday became the highest profile backer of a campaign to free jailed Russian protestors Pussy Riot.

Nadezhda Tolokonnikova, Ekaterina Samutsevich and Maria Alehina – all members of the anarchic Pussy Riot punk band – have been in prison since March, held on charges of hooliganism which could eventually mean a seven-year sentence, after attempting to perform a protest anthem inside Moscow's most important Orthodox church, Christ the Saviour cathedral. But with no trial date set, no signs that they will be released and opposition to Putin spreading, support for the trio has grown, even among those who at first condemned them.

The campaign to free the trio has been gradually gaining ground across all sections of Russian society and beyond into the wider world with support from one-time Beastie Boy Ad-Rock and punk band Anti-Flag. The hashtag #freepussyriot has been trending worldwide on Twitter, and it's on this that Mr Berlusconi responded to in declaring his support.

Asked by our reporter why he supported the expansion of democracy in Russia, Mr Berlusconi "I'm supporting what? I thought it was..... Oh, never mind".

Putin wins 2024 election

Russian President and former Prime Minister Vladimir Putin today celebrated winning the 2024 election with 64% of the vote to secure his third spell in the Kremlin.

He takes over from 2020 winner Dimitri Medvedev who served just one term before seeing Putin take the spoils once more four years later. Putin served two consecutive terms from 2000 before being forced aside by the Russian constitution with Medvedev serving one four-year term before Putin's return to win the 2012 and 2016 Presidential races. Again, Medvedev took the honours, but served just one term before Putin won a fifth landslide by a conveniently large amount of the vote.

"I'm so happy I could cry" said Putin before adding "if it wasn't for all the botox".

Putin has also been installed as strong favourite for the 2028 election, the results of which are expected to be announced in a fortnight's time.