Reports from the scene suggested the attackers had said 'the prophet has been avenged', apparently a reference to the fact that Charlie Hebdo had reprinted cartoons depicting Muhammad in an edition of the paper some four years ago.
"Vengeance is a strange word to use", Muhammad told us. "Normally, it's used in a sort of eye-for-an-eye term, so in those terms if vengeance was a motivation then perhaps the attackers should have mocked up an image of those allegedly causing offence with tiny willies or being bummed by a goat. Gunning down a dozen people seems like a bit of an escalation to me".
But the prophet was at pains to point out that that is a mere side-issue. "Fundamentally though", he continued, "is the idea that I actually need avenging in the first place. After all, I had access to a God and wrote loads of stuff down. A God. An all-powerful, omniscient and omnipresent myth. As mates go, it doesn't get better than that. I reckon she's got my back should I ever feel that my skin is thin enough to be bothered what people with different opinions as to the validity of my writings. Which I don't".
God herself has remained silent on the matter, but Muhammad assures us that she is bemused by the way some people have taken the teachings handed down. "It's really weird. She's all-powerful. Given that, you'd think that followers would realise that anyone who really does offend her will be dealt with by her and they're really not helping matters by taking things into their own hands. If there is an insult here, it's the one that says God can't defend herself should she feel the need to."
"Not in our name, that's what we're saying" said Muhammad as he returned to his day job of not being alive.
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