The REAL 50 things every man should know

The appearance of a list of things that all men should know has inevitably produced a number of counter-argued lists that, perhaps correctly, pointed out what a bland, beige, Coldplay existence the original author must live. Then those counter-argued lists started attracting counter-argued counter-arguments and as News Arse's mens editor likes a bandwagon as much as the next columnist, here's why all those other lists of 50 things every man should know are wrong and why these are the REAL 50 things every man should know.

TV election debates to include 'entire-voting age public'

After arguments about who should and should not be invited to the TV election debates, broadcasters have drawn up a plan that will see every member of the voting-age public of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland invited to participate.

American football fans admit 'we don't know what XLIX means'

As yesterday's Conference championship games fade into the memory and focus shifts to the Superbowl in a fortnight's time in Phoenix, fans of American football across the world have begun to admit that they don't know what XLIX means.

Wanton killing 'harms message' - report

A report released today by the centre-left thinktank the Institute of Stating The Bleeding Obvious suggests that killing people 'harms the message' that the perpetrators are attempting to get across.

Muhammad: I didn't realise I needed avenging

The prophet Muhammad today broke his silence following the murder of staff at French satirical newspaper Charlie Hebdo earlier this week where twelve people were gunned down in his name. The prophet shook off the handicap of being dead for 1500 years to grant us an exclusive interview.

Nobel committee "proud" as former peace prize winner prepares new war

The Nobel prize committee today declared themselves "proud" as former peace prize winner Barack Obama seemed prepared to launch another military assault on another nation.

With Syrian president Bashar al-Assad seemingly ready to deploy chemical and biological weapons against his own people, a world that previously couldn't give a shit about Syria has decided that that really would be beyond the pale.

This follows Obama's 'troop surge' in Afghanistan and deployment of military aircraft in enforcing the no-fly zone over Libya during the uprising against President Ghadaffi. In a television interview, Obama said "I have, at this point, not ordered military engagement in the situation. But the point that you made about chemical and biological weapons is critical. That's an issue that doesn't just concern Syria; it concerns our close allies in the region, including Israel. It concerns us. We cannot have a situation where chemical or biological weapons are falling into the hands of the wrong people. We have been very clear to the Assad regime, but also to other players on the ground, that a red line for us is we start seeing a whole bunch of chemical weapons moving around or being utilised. That would change my calculus. That would change my equation."

This has been widely interpreted as intent to develop a plan to launch military action, something recognised by the Nobel prize committee. "We're proud to have given the most easily recognisable award for peace to someone who is planning to embark on a third conflict overseas and have commissioned a special award to commemorate the expected launch of an offensive on Syria", a member of the awards committee told us. "Should it go ahead, President Obama will set a new record for the number of armed conflicts launched by a Nobel peace laureate, in no way conflicting with the ideals and intentions of the prize."

"It's said that satire died when we gave the award to Henry Kissinger", said our insider, "but this shows that we're prepared to dig up satire's rotten corpse and give it the kicking of a lifetime if we feel the need to".

Russian gold in Predictable Trial Outcome

The final event of the Olympics was won by Russia, five days after the official end of the games.

Faced with a stiff challenge from neighbours Ukraine - who jailed former Prime Minister Yulia Tymoschenko on trumped-up corruption charges - and new Asian challengers Bahrain, for locking up human rights activist Nabeel Rajab, former Predictable Trial Outcomes champion Russia needed a big play to regain their crown.

They found such a play in the Pussy Riot trial, one universally slated as irregular and unfair, on charges of holliganism motivated by religious hatred. The PTO judges scored it highly on the spurious nature of the charges, the lack of time for a defence to be mounted and the concealment of the real reasons to punish the three defendants. All of these contributed to a highly predictable outcome, coming with a high degree of difficulty.

Ukraine took silver with the highly predictable Tymoschenko outcome with Bahrain taking bronze. Both entries scored highly, but fell down on the difficulty aspect with judges saying "there's predictable and then there's bleedin' obvious. Bahrain just weren't trying hard enough to be convoluted. I mean, human rights activist in a Middle Eastern kingdom ruled by an autocratic family? Yaawwwnn".

Russia expect to defend their title strongly in four years time, but are openly wary of some strong contenders coming through. "It's the Saudis we fear most", said the Russian chef de mission, "who will probably lock a woman up for having one toenail slightly longer than the decency police determine it should be. We're very happy to have won this gold, but realise competition is only getting stronger all around the world".