UK-based charities have responded to controversial changes to tax allowances by permitting would-be philanthropists to donate without being used as a tax efficiency vehicle.
Changes announced in the recent Budget speech sought to limit the amount of tax relief any individual can claim in total, including tax breaks on charitable giving. Charities, fearing a loss of income as a result, have been forced into a response. A spokeperson for the Charities Commission told us that "we will be instructing our members to start accepting donations from people not seeking to minimise their personal tax burden, but actually believe in the cause and wish to support it".
Previously, charities only sought to attract donors by outlining the potential returns to investors and will now have to change tack completely by "spelling out a cause for which people may be interested in, not because of financial gain, but because they actually care. It's a complete paradigm shift which we'll be helping our members come to terms with" said our spokesperson. "They'll have to shift focus away from creating complex financial instruments and tax vehicles and start thinking about raising money for good causes".
This is not the news
Monday, 16 April 2012
Friday, 13 April 2012
Opening up to democracy "seriously harms" Burma's F1 bid
Formula 1 supremo Bernie Ecclestone told a meeting of motorsport's governing body, the FIA, that Burma's recent elections and slow steps towards democracy "seriously harms" Rangoon's bid to host a round of the world championship.
With Bahrain getting the go-ahead after a glowing report from disgraced former Metropolitan Police chief John Yates of the Yard, it was thought that any regime that didn't clamp down on opposition politicians and a free press and indulge in kidnap, arbitrary arrest, torture, tear-gassing of protests and extra-judicial killings would not be a welcome stop-off for the F1 circus.
"Bahrain exemplifies everything we wish to reflect in the sport", a spokesman for Ecclestone told us after the meeting, "and anyone wishing to be a part of the sport has to adhere to those ideals. Frankly, Burma are going exactly the wrong way about it. There are reasons that we're in China, Abu Dhabi, Singapore, Malaysia and Bahrain and reasons why we're going to Russia in 2014".
Existing hosts of races are also under pressure to apply similar principles with Britain jailing people for posting messages on Twitter and Facebook and the USA maintaining it's record of executing it's citizens, but others are under pressure to do likewise. "Frankly", said the spokesman, "if Belgium don't start locking people up for no reason, then we'll drop them for Saudi Arabia or Swaziland as soon as look at them".
With Bahrain getting the go-ahead after a glowing report from disgraced former Metropolitan Police chief John Yates of the Yard, it was thought that any regime that didn't clamp down on opposition politicians and a free press and indulge in kidnap, arbitrary arrest, torture, tear-gassing of protests and extra-judicial killings would not be a welcome stop-off for the F1 circus.
"Bahrain exemplifies everything we wish to reflect in the sport", a spokesman for Ecclestone told us after the meeting, "and anyone wishing to be a part of the sport has to adhere to those ideals. Frankly, Burma are going exactly the wrong way about it. There are reasons that we're in China, Abu Dhabi, Singapore, Malaysia and Bahrain and reasons why we're going to Russia in 2014".
Existing hosts of races are also under pressure to apply similar principles with Britain jailing people for posting messages on Twitter and Facebook and the USA maintaining it's record of executing it's citizens, but others are under pressure to do likewise. "Frankly", said the spokesman, "if Belgium don't start locking people up for no reason, then we'll drop them for Saudi Arabia or Swaziland as soon as look at them".
Thursday, 12 April 2012
Blair stunned as he remembers all that stuff he did
After admitting yesterday that he had "no recollection" of the rendition of Abdel Hakim Belhaj to Libya during in his time in office, today declared himself "stunned" as someone sat him down and told him about all the things he did in office.
A spokesman for Blair's foundation told this website that Blair was "rocking himself and crying like a baby" when he was told that he'd helped launch two intractable wars with little to no legal or moral basis and that British territories in the Indian Ocean were used as stop-off points as people were snatched illegally and transported around the world for torture. "He kept pleading with me that it wasn't true", said the spokesman, "reckoning that it couldn't possibly be true that he'd done that if they'd ended up making him a peace envoy".
"He remembered stuff about minimum wages and that soundbite in Northern Ireland about 'the hand of history'", Blair's spokesman continued, "but really didn't recall being majorly responsible for riding roughshod over international law with the outcome of such a huge loss of life". Blair was then informed of the massive tent he authorised for the turn of the year 2000 and the swath of disastrous PFI deals that were kept off the government balance sheet. "He just broke down again, weeping 'I don't remember' over and over".
"I daren't tell him about his cosy relationship with News International and what's gone on there lately", the spokesman concluded.
A spokesman for Blair's foundation told this website that Blair was "rocking himself and crying like a baby" when he was told that he'd helped launch two intractable wars with little to no legal or moral basis and that British territories in the Indian Ocean were used as stop-off points as people were snatched illegally and transported around the world for torture. "He kept pleading with me that it wasn't true", said the spokesman, "reckoning that it couldn't possibly be true that he'd done that if they'd ended up making him a peace envoy".
"He remembered stuff about minimum wages and that soundbite in Northern Ireland about 'the hand of history'", Blair's spokesman continued, "but really didn't recall being majorly responsible for riding roughshod over international law with the outcome of such a huge loss of life". Blair was then informed of the massive tent he authorised for the turn of the year 2000 and the swath of disastrous PFI deals that were kept off the government balance sheet. "He just broke down again, weeping 'I don't remember' over and over".
"I daren't tell him about his cosy relationship with News International and what's gone on there lately", the spokesman concluded.
Tuesday, 10 April 2012
Osborne "shocked" at wealth of rich people
The Chancellor George Osborne today expressed his surprise at revelations that rich people have more money than poor people.
"I was shocked to see that some of the very wealthiest people in the country have substantially more money than some of the very poorest" said the two-time winner of the Eton prize for boy least likely to do sums correctly. "Having seen some tax returns and seeing how little these people paid in income tax, I naturally assumed that they were extremely poor" he said in an interview with the Telegraph.
Osborne also expressed surprise about other things in the interview, such as the Pope's stated religion and what it is that bears do in the woods. "They're actually shitting in there?", he said. "Get outta here".
"I was shocked to see that some of the very wealthiest people in the country have substantially more money than some of the very poorest" said the two-time winner of the Eton prize for boy least likely to do sums correctly. "Having seen some tax returns and seeing how little these people paid in income tax, I naturally assumed that they were extremely poor" he said in an interview with the Telegraph.
Osborne also expressed surprise about other things in the interview, such as the Pope's stated religion and what it is that bears do in the woods. "They're actually shitting in there?", he said. "Get outta here".
Tuesday, 3 April 2012
James Murdoch to "step aside"
BSkyB announced today that non-executive chairman James Murdoch is to step aside.
In a short press release, the pay TV company say that Murdoch, son of News Corp supremo Rupert, will be asked to "step to one side, shortly after being placed next to the edge of Beachy Head. It's the only way to stop him being a complete and utter liability to the company".
This is not the first time Murdoch junior has stepped aside. After the embarrassing performance in front of the culture, media and sport select committee and his subsequent recall, he was relinquished his post with News International and stepped aside. However, the thing he stepped aside off was not high enough and he was able to continue in his role with BSkyB. Now, however, sources tell us they've found something for him to step aside off that will ensure he can no longer do anything that will harm the future of his father's companies.
In a short press release, the pay TV company say that Murdoch, son of News Corp supremo Rupert, will be asked to "step to one side, shortly after being placed next to the edge of Beachy Head. It's the only way to stop him being a complete and utter liability to the company".
This is not the first time Murdoch junior has stepped aside. After the embarrassing performance in front of the culture, media and sport select committee and his subsequent recall, he was relinquished his post with News International and stepped aside. However, the thing he stepped aside off was not high enough and he was able to continue in his role with BSkyB. Now, however, sources tell us they've found something for him to step aside off that will ensure he can no longer do anything that will harm the future of his father's companies.
Ministers plan to do "something" with technology
Ministers today announced plans to do "something" with e-mails and internet communications.
"We want to do something", a Cabinet insider told this website. "One of the senior Cabinet members' son does something with computers so we'll ask him, but none of us really know how these things work". The extent of the lack of knowledge became apparent as the muddy, vague proposals were unveiled.
'We want to look at everything you do online, but not store it anywhere as the word database is not politically expedient after we've buggered up so many other ones' runs an extract from the white paper. Phrases like 'on demand' and 'real time' are thrown in with no clear evidence that it's anything but buzzword bingo. "Look", said our insider, "if we invoke paedophilia - because even paedos use computers - we reckon we can get away with anything. Besides, we've got a big IT budget and we're determined to do something with it, even if we have no understanding of the technology that's around at the moment".
Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg said "I am totally opposed, totally opposed to the idea of Governments reading people’s emails at will or creating a totally new central Government database" and is therefore expected to wave it through with no complaints. Conservative MP for Haltemprice and Howden David Davis is widely expected to resign his seat before winning it again unopposed shortly afterwards.
"We want to do something", a Cabinet insider told this website. "One of the senior Cabinet members' son does something with computers so we'll ask him, but none of us really know how these things work". The extent of the lack of knowledge became apparent as the muddy, vague proposals were unveiled.
'We want to look at everything you do online, but not store it anywhere as the word database is not politically expedient after we've buggered up so many other ones' runs an extract from the white paper. Phrases like 'on demand' and 'real time' are thrown in with no clear evidence that it's anything but buzzword bingo. "Look", said our insider, "if we invoke paedophilia - because even paedos use computers - we reckon we can get away with anything. Besides, we've got a big IT budget and we're determined to do something with it, even if we have no understanding of the technology that's around at the moment".
Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg said "I am totally opposed, totally opposed to the idea of Governments reading people’s emails at will or creating a totally new central Government database" and is therefore expected to wave it through with no complaints. Conservative MP for Haltemprice and Howden David Davis is widely expected to resign his seat before winning it again unopposed shortly afterwards.
Sunday, 1 April 2012
Coalition policies "massive April fools"
A memo leaked to this website has revealed that government policy has been a huge April fools gag that combined extraordinary planning, but "was completely worth it".
"It's ridiculous", a coalition insider told us, "that so many people actually believed all that bollocks about taxing pasties, selling off the health service and giving big handouts to people who don't need it. I can't believe we pulled this off".
The level of planning is explained in a huge amount of detail in the leaked documents, the original idea mooted as early as 2009. "We thought people would get wise to it when we announced we were going into coalition with the Lib Dems", our contact explained, "and bless them they've done their bit with that whole 'no tuition fees' schtick. But as more of these obvious gags got past an unsuspecting public, we got more and more brazen. I mean, borrowing a horse from the Metropolitan police? Telling people to store volatile, flammable substances in garden sheds? Seriously?"
The fear now is that in an effort to outdo this prank, the stakes have been raised with Labour insiders briefing that "you should see what we're going to do in Iran on April 1 2016".
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