Government advisers to attempt reverse psychology

Civil servants and independent government advisers, fed up of having their advice ignored or over-ruled, are to try using reverse psychology to persuade ministers that they should be listened to.

After Professor David Nutt was removed from his post on the Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs for giving independent advice unpalatable to a previous regime, it transpires today that Education Secretary Michael Gove has ignored the School Playing Fields Advisory Panel five times in the last fifteen months, more than in the previous nine years. Civil servants and appointees to these advisory panels have finally had enough and are to start using new tactics to get their recommendations listened to.

A representative of civil service union PSCU told us "our members are completely fed up of being over-ruled, undermined and sidelined by ministers. As such, we've drafted new guidelines with the help of our members in order that more of their carefully researched and independent advice is more likely to be acted on".

The guidelines show that ministers behave a lot like children, so threatening to deny them pudding should they not sit quietly and listen is one tactic. The naughty step, so beloved of modern parenting guides, is also to be a sanction should advice go unheeded. But these are retro-active, only coming into effect once the minister goes against the recommendations that his/her office is payig for, so the more radical idea is to use reverse psychology to try to get the advice at least acknowledged in the first place.

"The plan is to describe the diametric opposite scenario of the one that the research shows to be the wiser course of action", the PCS representative continued. "So when we advise Michael Gove not to sanction the flogging off of a school playing field, we'll say 'selling that field off and depriving the kids of somewhere to exercise and do sport in the way that the government have said should be available is exactly the right thing to do'. Given his track record, he's bound to do the exact opposite and leave it open. If only David Nutt had recommended that cannabis definitely, absolutely be upgraded to a new class A*, he might still be in a job and sense might have prevailed in the hysterical world of drugs legislation".

Drawbacks are sensed though, with capricious ministers suddenly having a moment of clarity and beginning to listen just as the new guidelines are put into place. "It's a risk", our insider told us, "but would that be any worse a situation than we're already in?"

Popular baby names show Olympic influence

The list of most popular names for newborns in the UK released this week shows that the Olympic games had a significant influence on parents. British success on two wheels, on the water and on the track saw sharp rises in a number of names not normally on the list alongside the more traditional Olivers and Olivias.

For boys, the new top ten is:
1. Bradley
2. Wiggo
3. Sideburns
4. Danny Boyle
5. Phelps
6. Brownlee
7. Pendleton
8. Omnium
9. Sir Chris Hoy
10. Team GB

Among those dropping down the list are Boris, Cameron, Relay and Phillips Idowu.

For girls, the top names are:
1. Jennis
2. Ye
3. Na
4. Missy
5. Dressage
6. Clare Balding
7. Ohuruogu
8. Mo
9. Farah
10. Dame Kelly Holmes

The new least popular name is Yu Yang while others dropping down the rankings include Jessie J and Australia.

Minister under fire for 'cash in hand' comments`

Treasury minister David Gauke came under fire today after suggesting that tradesmen explicitly offering discounts for cash was "morally wrong" during an interview on yesterday's Newsnight.

Consumer groups reacted angrily saying that cash payments were often more secure for single-person operations as there's no chance of cash bouncing and the imminent phasing out of the cheque will add a level of complexity to the process. "Demonising all cash tansactions is inherently anti-small business, the very group the government profess to support", said a press release from a small business representative body.

Gauke hit back strongly, telling our reporter "Clearly what I was driving at was that deliberately avoiding tax is wrong. What should happen is that the tradesman sets up an Employee Benefit Trust in the Cayman Islands with himself as one of the named directors. Then you as a consumer can transfer money into that and the tradesman can then draw down loans from the trust in lieu of wages at zero interest and with no obligation to repay. That's how I pay my cleaners and it creates jobs for accountants. It's good, honest British tax avoidance and not weaselly, shameless evasion".

A spokesgobshite from tax-averse lobbyists the Taxpayers Alliance said "blah blah blah tax, ooh, no thanks, blah blah".

Experts baffled by Chinese economic slow-down

Market analysts around the world expressed bewilderment at the latest economic figures coming out of China and fear for the impact of these numbers on fragile economies around the world.

"Having seen double-digit growth for quite some time now", an Asian market analyst told us, "we naturally assumed that this would go on for ever and ever and ever. Now it seems that high rates of growth eventually plateau, as if they were starting from a really low base or something and were effectively playing catch-up to more developed economies. I mean, how were we supposed to see that coming?"

The figures are forcing a rethink on what China and other rapidly developing economies may be able to achieve in future. "We'd based all our assumptions of how global markets work on China - and others like Brazil and India - growing at a rate of above 10% for the remainder of history. That's what all our sums are based on. Now that we have evidence that limitless growth is not just unlikely, but impossible, we haven't got a clue what to do", concluded our analyst.

The Chinese themselves remain unruffled. "You may not be able to buy our exports", an official government statement read, "but we still own your ass anyway, suckers".

Berlusconi backs campaign to free Russian protestors

Media mogul and former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi yesterday became the highest profile backer of a campaign to free jailed Russian protestors Pussy Riot.

Nadezhda Tolokonnikova, Ekaterina Samutsevich and Maria Alehina – all members of the anarchic Pussy Riot punk band – have been in prison since March, held on charges of hooliganism which could eventually mean a seven-year sentence, after attempting to perform a protest anthem inside Moscow's most important Orthodox church, Christ the Saviour cathedral. But with no trial date set, no signs that they will be released and opposition to Putin spreading, support for the trio has grown, even among those who at first condemned them.

The campaign to free the trio has been gradually gaining ground across all sections of Russian society and beyond into the wider world with support from one-time Beastie Boy Ad-Rock and punk band Anti-Flag. The hashtag #freepussyriot has been trending worldwide on Twitter, and it's on this that Mr Berlusconi responded to in declaring his support.

Asked by our reporter why he supported the expansion of democracy in Russia, Mr Berlusconi "I'm supporting what? I thought it was..... Oh, never mind".

South Korea whaling plan "in name of science"

South Korea is proposing to hunt whales under provisions made for scientific research, echoing the programme of near neighbour Japan.

There are several stocks of minke whales in the area which the South Korean delegation to the International Whaling Commission (IWC) said they plan to conduct research into, something which the New Zealand delegation said "borders on the reckless".

But Joon-Suk Kang, head of the South Korean delegation, said the programme was necessary to answer questions about minke whale stocks that non-lethal research has been unable to solve. "We need to make proper assessments of whale stocks", Joon-Suk told the commission, "like which wine goes best with minke whale carpaccio. If you can tell me that without killing a minke whale... well good luck to you sirs".

Australia's Donna Petrochenko took the same line as the New Zealanders, saying "this is commercial whaling, pure and simple". Joon-Suk was unbowed, claiming "nonsense. This is valuable scientific research. Valuably delicious research, yum yum yum" as he licked his lips and rubbed his stomach.

Celebrations at CERN on discovery of new FIFA rankings

There were celebrations today at the CERN laboratories beneath the Swiss countryside as, after months of research and peer-checking of results, they finally found evidence of a FIFA rankings list that has England in fourth.

Lead scientists explained to the press that readings with a deviation of 5 sigma at 126.5GeV, it was very likely that this was indeed a FIFA ranking which had England at number four in the world. "It shows all the signs of being a [world ranking of four]. A deviation of 5 sigma means - in the simplest form - that we're 99.999% sure that we have what we think we have", chirruped ubiquitous TV physicist Brian Cox.

Others were more guarded, especially in light of similar experiments that initially showed particles moving faster than light. "We need to check, cross-check and then check the cross-checking to be absolutely certain", one researcher told us. "I mean, it just sounds implausible."

"We've found this ranking using techniques tuned to the Standard Ranking Model", Tomasso Dorigo, scientist on the CMS experiment said. "A different ranking may have stepped in, but it's very unlikely in my humble opinion".

The finding of the so-called 'god ranking' is said to be fundamental to our understanding of how FIFA rankings are compiled.