Tuesday 14 February 2012

Dog "treated like Carlos Tevez", court hears

A dog owner being prosecuted for cruelty claimed in his defence today that "I treated that animal like Carlos Tevez".

The man, who cannot be named for legal reasons, is being prosecuted by an animal rights charity over claims that he neglected the Argentinian Dogo and left it to starve. "It's utter nonsense" he told court under cross-examination. "We went to the park where I threw a ball for him to chase. He refused and that's where this nightmare began".

The prosecution claims the animal was sent away where the owner knew that it would be mistreated, claiming that represents wilful neglect. "It's nonsense", the five men and seven women of the jury heard. "I sent him to a plush kennel back in Argentina where I hoped he would be looked after and get that spark back. I've got bills to show this whole episode cost me a fortune. The Dogo is a highly temperamental animal and I sent him where I thought it best for him".

The dog returned to Britain this week horribly out of shape, but with a golfing handicap down to three.

"Secularism under attack" from creeping centralised religion - report

A report from an influential secularist thinktank released today showed that rationality in public life is being attacked by an increasingly religious government.

"Every department of government is attacking the principle of separation of church and state" said report author Nora Ligion. "Michael Gove's education department is committed to an increase in the number of faith schools and [Eric Pickles] the communities secretary's determination to introduce prayers to local council meetings are two recent examples of the government forcing religion onto a population that's shown itself to be apathetic at best towards organised religion. Put this alongside the flat refusal to reform the Lords where unelected bishops sit, influencing parliamentary business and it all adds up to a worrying picture".

Fears were further ratcheted up by Conservative party chairman Saeeda Warsi cosying up to the authoritarian, undemocratic and avowedly non-secular regime in the Vatican City. "It's troubling that the government should make this diplomatic mission at this time" continued Miss Ligion, "but we have every confidence that the contradictory nature of Baroness Warsi's arguments will totally undermine everything she says every bit as well as her inability to carry a room when she speaks".

Warsi will argue that the inherently intolerant nature of organised religion is itself a driver for tolerance and inclusivity. "In many ways, she's our best hope", concluded Miss Ligion, "as she either doesn't understand the nonsense she's spouting or is wilfully ignoring it just to push through the government's increasingly religious agenda".

Wednesday 8 February 2012

Leveson inquiry hears of blow to analogue website market

In giving evidence to Lord Leveson's inquiry into press standards and ethics, editor-in-chief of Huffington Post UK Carla Buzasi said "digital websites are the future of the media industry".

An analogue website in development, yesterday
This seemingly innocuous comment laid bare the desperate state of the analogue online media industry where jobs have been falling at an alarming rate.

An industry insider told us that "we've been forced to lay off over 60% of our staff in the last two years and yet this government - like the one before it - refuse to lift a finger to help us out".

This once-thriving bastion of British industry was a major generator of jobs and wealth, but has been in the doldrums since the dotcom boom in the early 2000s. "We'd have a team in the office drawing the news on monitor-sized tablets and send runners out to homes and offices up and down the land to show them to people by holding them up in front of their typewriters. To get the page turned, they'd squeeze a mouse until the runner heard it squeak and he'd move on to the next tablet. It kept all sorts of people in work, but there's just not the appetite for it now".

Quizzed on the future of the industry, our insider continued "It's tough. I try to keep the company going as best I can, but demand isn't strong. A lot of our people are being snapped up by digital rivals. What Ms Buzasi said to Leveson is probably about fair, but we feel there's a real niche for analogue websites for those that want the real hand-crafted charm we offer to read the news and see pictures of piano-playing cats on".

Industry bigwigs are hoping that the raising of this issue at Leveson will help prompt a revival. "We're getting together as an industry", said our contact, "and lobby government. This classically British service should be retained for future generations and the skills required taught in our schools and colleges".

Wednesday 1 February 2012

First privately-run NHS hospital in UK vows to "attract new patients"

Hinchingbrooke Hospital in Cambridgeshire today became the first NHS hospital to come under the control of a private, for-profit company. The debt-ridden hospital has been taken over by Circle Health with specific timelines set for improvements in certain areas.

Circle have taken on the financial responsibility for the running of the hospital and have targets in terms of the amount of time nurses spend with patients, the number of times patients have to travel to the hospital and the safety of it's procedures.

One of the ways in which the company hope to solve the debt problems is by attracting more patients to the hospital. This will start with a "rigourous plan of improvement" to care and food quality, according to regional NHS director Dr Stephen Dunn. "Patients constantly go to hospitals distant from their homes because of better food", he opined, "but if that doesn't work, then Circle are more than willing to go and seek patients using squads of hired goons to generate patients on the hospital's own doorstep".

Critics of the move have suggested that should Circle run into financial difficulties, the government would have to step in and bail out the hospital and that this is yet another cynical, thinly-veiled attempt by a right-wing government to socialise debt and privatise profit for the government's chums in business, to which a Circle executive responded "oh look, a chaffinch. You don't normally see them round here, and certainly not at this time of year".