The Culture Secretary Jeremy Hunt is to be placed in an over-sized bucket filled to the brim with shit.
This unusual and arcane practise is rarely used these days, but has been part of Parliamentary procedure in England since the early 1400s. A constitutional expert told us that "the placing of the MP in the bucket of shit was often the first stage in stripping them of their role. Later, it became more of an outward symbol of just how badly they'd been doing their job, but in this instance seems more of a visualisation technique. The placing of Hunt in the bucket of shit will give the public an idea of how much metaphorical shit he's been dumped in by successive News International witnesses at the Leveson inquiry".
James and Rupert Murdoch both dumped a lot of shit on Hunt and Rebekah Brooks subsequently piled more on top. The amount of shit Hunt has been placed in - and will be at the bucket-dunking ceremony - is thought to be a UK Parliament record. "Previously", continued our expert, "the shit would come up to the knee, perhaps the waist in extreme cases. For Hunt, we expect it to come up to just below his nose, if he tilts his head back".
The shit-bucket ceremony is expected to provide a highlight to the opening of the Olympic Games.
This is not the news
Friday, 11 May 2012
Health alert sends Wapping into lockdown
A serious health alert has seen the Wapping area locked down for fear of contagion.
Water quality and air conditioning experts are being sent in to the News International headquarters in Wapping to try and trace the source of infection. Structural engineers, airborne disease experts and virologists are also on their way to try and trace the outbreak to it's origin.
Problems have been noted in people who have spent a lot of time in the area and it's thought those most exposed have acquired a degenerative brain condition. This first manifests itself in patchy short-term memory whereby the sufferer can only recall things that either aren't self-incriminating or point the finger elsewhere. Anything directly or tangentially attributable to the sufferer is forgotten.
Other symptoms include endlessly repeating a clearly fabricated story long after it's been discredited and an inability to take facts at face value. Sufferers may also fail to recognise that some things are beyond social norms such as massive corruption, undermining parlimentary process and publishing personal, private medical details.
Anyone suffering any of these symptoms and has spent time in the Wapping area at any point over the last ten years is advised to report to the Leveson inquiry.
Water quality and air conditioning experts are being sent in to the News International headquarters in Wapping to try and trace the source of infection. Structural engineers, airborne disease experts and virologists are also on their way to try and trace the outbreak to it's origin.
Problems have been noted in people who have spent a lot of time in the area and it's thought those most exposed have acquired a degenerative brain condition. This first manifests itself in patchy short-term memory whereby the sufferer can only recall things that either aren't self-incriminating or point the finger elsewhere. Anything directly or tangentially attributable to the sufferer is forgotten.
Other symptoms include endlessly repeating a clearly fabricated story long after it's been discredited and an inability to take facts at face value. Sufferers may also fail to recognise that some things are beyond social norms such as massive corruption, undermining parlimentary process and publishing personal, private medical details.
Anyone suffering any of these symptoms and has spent time in the Wapping area at any point over the last ten years is advised to report to the Leveson inquiry.
LOL not the only acronym Cameron has issues with
In testimony to the Leveson inquiry, former Sun and News of the World editor Rebekah Brooks told how the Prime Minister would sign off text messages to her with "LOL", under the impression it meant 'lots of love'. Of being told it's actual meaning - 'laugh out loud' - Mr Cameron stopped using it.
This isn't the first or only acronym and/or initialisation that the Prime Minister has got wrong. Other common internet and text-speak abbreviations include WTF - 'what the fuck?', as expression of surprise and alarm - which Cameron thought meant 'World Trade Fair' and had instructed civil servants to get down to King's Cross after seeing a message on Twitter saying "WTF is going on at King's Cross?" It turned out to be a minor traffic incident leading to some queuing. A couple of diplomatic incidents were narrowly averted when Cameron sent messages ending 'PMSL' - 'piss myself laughing' - to world leaders dealing with national disasters. Prime Minister of Pakistan Asif Ali Zardari had to be calmed by aides for hours after receiving a message from his British counterpart after the devastating floods. The message is thought to have read "terrible news about the flooding, PMSL", with Cameron under the impression he had signed off 'Prime Minister sends love".
But it isn't just those commonly used in electronic communications; he also has trouble with governmental acronyms and abbreviations. PSBR - public sector borrowing requirement - has been translated in the head of the country's leader as 'please slash budgets recklessly', while NHS appears to have been interpreted as 'national horse sale'. "On arriving at Number 10", a former aide to the PM told us, "he was adamant that government had no business in the NHS as buying and selling horses was not a key function for the state and instructed us to sell it off forthwith. When we finally explained what the NHS was, we had a jolly good laugh before he told us to go and sell that off forthwith anyway".
This isn't the first or only acronym and/or initialisation that the Prime Minister has got wrong. Other common internet and text-speak abbreviations include WTF - 'what the fuck?', as expression of surprise and alarm - which Cameron thought meant 'World Trade Fair' and had instructed civil servants to get down to King's Cross after seeing a message on Twitter saying "WTF is going on at King's Cross?" It turned out to be a minor traffic incident leading to some queuing. A couple of diplomatic incidents were narrowly averted when Cameron sent messages ending 'PMSL' - 'piss myself laughing' - to world leaders dealing with national disasters. Prime Minister of Pakistan Asif Ali Zardari had to be calmed by aides for hours after receiving a message from his British counterpart after the devastating floods. The message is thought to have read "terrible news about the flooding, PMSL", with Cameron under the impression he had signed off 'Prime Minister sends love".
But it isn't just those commonly used in electronic communications; he also has trouble with governmental acronyms and abbreviations. PSBR - public sector borrowing requirement - has been translated in the head of the country's leader as 'please slash budgets recklessly', while NHS appears to have been interpreted as 'national horse sale'. "On arriving at Number 10", a former aide to the PM told us, "he was adamant that government had no business in the NHS as buying and selling horses was not a key function for the state and instructed us to sell it off forthwith. When we finally explained what the NHS was, we had a jolly good laugh before he told us to go and sell that off forthwith anyway".
Thursday, 10 May 2012
US Republicans respond to Obama's support for same-sex marriage
Republican party grandees reacted with fury, astonishment and a little curiosity to President Obama's vocal support for same-sex marriage.
Having spent a lot of time vacillating on the issue, and having teased Republicans further by saying his views on the matter were "evolving", Obama finally expressed his opinion that same-sex couples should enjoy the same rights as anybody else. The President told ABC that "At a certain point I just concluded, for me personally, it is important for me to go ahead and affirm that I think same-sex couples should be able to get married". He said he had been swayed by the service of gays and lesbians in the US armed forces, which is odd as after saying he'd repeal the 'don't ask, don't tell' policy in the run-up to the 2008 election, he then spent two years doing fuck all about it.
Naturally, the Republicans were outraged by the President's comments. "This is typical of the Democrats", said right-wing evangelical nutjob and spectacular point-misser Ralph Reed, "forcing people into homosexual relationships. Any God-fearing American would be appalled at having to shack up with another guy and do whatever it is they do in the comfort of their own homes."
Erstwhile Republican candidate for the Presidency Newt Gingrich said that this was typical of the Democrats and their love of 'big government'. "We in the Republican party believe that government should not be involved in the day-to-day lives of Americans. Except of course when it comes to telling you which bits of you that you are/are not allowed to insert into which bits of which other people". He continued to protest too much, saying "Who does Obama think he is to say that consensual acts between grown adults are not the business of government? He's basically worse than Stalin".
"This is an assault on the traditional marriage", the thrice-divorced Rush Limbaugh hypocrisised as a nation wondered why on earth anything Limbaugh has ever said has been given credence.
Having spent a lot of time vacillating on the issue, and having teased Republicans further by saying his views on the matter were "evolving", Obama finally expressed his opinion that same-sex couples should enjoy the same rights as anybody else. The President told ABC that "At a certain point I just concluded, for me personally, it is important for me to go ahead and affirm that I think same-sex couples should be able to get married". He said he had been swayed by the service of gays and lesbians in the US armed forces, which is odd as after saying he'd repeal the 'don't ask, don't tell' policy in the run-up to the 2008 election, he then spent two years doing fuck all about it.
Naturally, the Republicans were outraged by the President's comments. "This is typical of the Democrats", said right-wing evangelical nutjob and spectacular point-misser Ralph Reed, "forcing people into homosexual relationships. Any God-fearing American would be appalled at having to shack up with another guy and do whatever it is they do in the comfort of their own homes."
Erstwhile Republican candidate for the Presidency Newt Gingrich said that this was typical of the Democrats and their love of 'big government'. "We in the Republican party believe that government should not be involved in the day-to-day lives of Americans. Except of course when it comes to telling you which bits of you that you are/are not allowed to insert into which bits of which other people". He continued to protest too much, saying "Who does Obama think he is to say that consensual acts between grown adults are not the business of government? He's basically worse than Stalin".
"This is an assault on the traditional marriage", the thrice-divorced Rush Limbaugh hypocrisised as a nation wondered why on earth anything Limbaugh has ever said has been given credence.
Thursday, 3 May 2012
Londoners marking 100 days to end of Olympics
Events were taking place across London today, marking one hundred days to the end of the Olympic Games with a new motto unveiled to the public.
Community leaders from across the capital came together to launch the official motto of the end of the Olympics: 'Thank fuck that's over'. A press release issued alongside the motto said "this accurately sums up the feelings of many Londoners. People from every borough have contributed to this project and we really feel there's even more a sense of community after this exercise than before".
Community ambassadors have been appointed and were made available to the press at the launch event. One told us that what she was most looking forward to was "them taking that ruddy great missile battery off the roof of our flats" while another expressed hope at seeing the snipers off the roof opposite leaving and going back to base in Surrey.
For the actual day when the Olympics end, a large display of extended middle fingers will be shown towards the armed helicopters that will have been buzzing overhead for the previous three weeks before a collective sigh before a cup of tea and the first decent night's kip London will have had for some time.
Today also marks 35 years until the cost of the games is paid off.
Community leaders from across the capital came together to launch the official motto of the end of the Olympics: 'Thank fuck that's over'. A press release issued alongside the motto said "this accurately sums up the feelings of many Londoners. People from every borough have contributed to this project and we really feel there's even more a sense of community after this exercise than before".
Community ambassadors have been appointed and were made available to the press at the launch event. One told us that what she was most looking forward to was "them taking that ruddy great missile battery off the roof of our flats" while another expressed hope at seeing the snipers off the roof opposite leaving and going back to base in Surrey.
For the actual day when the Olympics end, a large display of extended middle fingers will be shown towards the armed helicopters that will have been buzzing overhead for the previous three weeks before a collective sigh before a cup of tea and the first decent night's kip London will have had for some time.
Today also marks 35 years until the cost of the games is paid off.
Tuesday, 1 May 2012
Lloyds boss aims to corner fraud market
António Horta-Osório, chief executive of Lloyds Banking Group, hit out against fraudulent claims for compensation in relation to mis-selling of payment protection insurance, PPI, the biggest racket going in banking during the 1990s and early 2000s.
Horta-Osório alleges that 25% of claims for compensation submitted by claims management firms are for customers who did not have products with the banks against which claims were being made. "We have to stop this", said Horta-Osório, "this is fraud. This is stepping into an environment that we had cornered with PPI in the first place and I'll be damned if I'm going to stand by and let these fly-by-nights muscle in on our territory".
PPI was sold in large amounts to people who never requested it, bundled up with loans and other financial products. It was sold to people who would never have qualified for it - the self-employed, for example - and was rarely paid out on, so restrictive were the terms. However, selling it in large amounts and never paying out on it swelled bank profits to record highs, masking the true extent of liabilities in other areas such as the US sub-prime mortgage market and complex collateralised debt obligations which helped bring the world banking system - capitalism itself - to the brink of collapse in 2008.
"As head of one of the major banking groups in the UK", Horta-Osório continued, "it is up to me to ensure we maintain a competitive advantage in those fields in which we excel. We excel in fleecing people for everything they've got and splurging the proceeds on yachts in Monte Carlo and we will be working very hard to limit payouts on past frauds while striving to create new ones that won't come to light for a number of years by which time most of the senior executives will have retired to the tax haven of their choosing".
Lloyds Banking Group is 41% owned by the public, something Horta-Osório was quick to asknowledge. "We must never forget the genrosity of the British taxpayer to bail out a failing insitution - a failing industry. And we'll be tapping them up again when our next big scam brings capitalism to it's knees" he concluded before jetting off in his solid gold spaceship.
Horta-Osório alleges that 25% of claims for compensation submitted by claims management firms are for customers who did not have products with the banks against which claims were being made. "We have to stop this", said Horta-Osório, "this is fraud. This is stepping into an environment that we had cornered with PPI in the first place and I'll be damned if I'm going to stand by and let these fly-by-nights muscle in on our territory".
PPI was sold in large amounts to people who never requested it, bundled up with loans and other financial products. It was sold to people who would never have qualified for it - the self-employed, for example - and was rarely paid out on, so restrictive were the terms. However, selling it in large amounts and never paying out on it swelled bank profits to record highs, masking the true extent of liabilities in other areas such as the US sub-prime mortgage market and complex collateralised debt obligations which helped bring the world banking system - capitalism itself - to the brink of collapse in 2008.
"As head of one of the major banking groups in the UK", Horta-Osório continued, "it is up to me to ensure we maintain a competitive advantage in those fields in which we excel. We excel in fleecing people for everything they've got and splurging the proceeds on yachts in Monte Carlo and we will be working very hard to limit payouts on past frauds while striving to create new ones that won't come to light for a number of years by which time most of the senior executives will have retired to the tax haven of their choosing".
Lloyds Banking Group is 41% owned by the public, something Horta-Osório was quick to asknowledge. "We must never forget the genrosity of the British taxpayer to bail out a failing insitution - a failing industry. And we'll be tapping them up again when our next big scam brings capitalism to it's knees" he concluded before jetting off in his solid gold spaceship.
Hodgson for England: the reaction
With Roy Hodgson set to be named as the new manager of the England mens national football team, a lot of news outlets immediately went to rent-a-quote dog-financier Harry Redknapp for his reaction, some in the seeming belief that it was he who should have been approached by the FA. His reaction largely involved the phrases "triffic", "I like the boy, but he's not my player" and, bizarrely, "I don't hold grudges".
Instead of going to that particular irrelevant opinion, we sought out some other completely disinterested parties for their reaction to the news of Hodgson's appointment.
Philosopher Alain de Botton said that Hodgson is a man who "won't get sucked into that staus anxiety. He's not a man who worries too much about what others think of him; he and he alone will determine whether he thinks he's been a success. This will undoubtedly be beneficial with the rabid English press waiting to stick the boot in". De Botton continued, saying "Hodgson's subscription to Epicurean theories of scientific observation allows him to make dispassionate comparisons of the talent at his disposal. That sounds like bad news for Matthew Upson if you ask me."
Former secretary general of the United Nations Javier Pérez de Cuéllar praised Hodgson's grasp of multiple languages, reckoning that "it shows he's able to be diplomatic and sensitive to the concerns of others". During his time with the UN, de Cuéllar had to deal with the Falklands War, Namibian independence, the separation of Cyprus and the conflict in the Western Sahara. "My ability to communicate across language and cultural barriers helped me tread delicately over dangerous ground. Hodgson has that ability also. This is a good appointment".
Finally, we asked long-dead economist John Maynard Keynes and he told us "it's clear that Hodgson applies my economic theories into football management. I suggest that individual micro-economic decisions that may seem rational in themselves can lead to inefficiency at macro-economic level and I believe that's as true in football as it is in global economic structures. Hodgson strikes me as someone who can take that macro overview and ensure that decisions taken lower down the tree do not interfere with the overall vision". Keynes went on to say "English football can be said to have been in a long-term recession - a depression even - and only this ability to micro-manage at the bottom level without distorting the overall vision is going to get them out of it. Economically speaking, this is exactly the right move".
Kim Kardashian was unavailable for comment, but is said to not hold a grudge.
Instead of going to that particular irrelevant opinion, we sought out some other completely disinterested parties for their reaction to the news of Hodgson's appointment.
Philosopher Alain de Botton said that Hodgson is a man who "won't get sucked into that staus anxiety. He's not a man who worries too much about what others think of him; he and he alone will determine whether he thinks he's been a success. This will undoubtedly be beneficial with the rabid English press waiting to stick the boot in". De Botton continued, saying "Hodgson's subscription to Epicurean theories of scientific observation allows him to make dispassionate comparisons of the talent at his disposal. That sounds like bad news for Matthew Upson if you ask me."
Former secretary general of the United Nations Javier Pérez de Cuéllar praised Hodgson's grasp of multiple languages, reckoning that "it shows he's able to be diplomatic and sensitive to the concerns of others". During his time with the UN, de Cuéllar had to deal with the Falklands War, Namibian independence, the separation of Cyprus and the conflict in the Western Sahara. "My ability to communicate across language and cultural barriers helped me tread delicately over dangerous ground. Hodgson has that ability also. This is a good appointment".
Finally, we asked long-dead economist John Maynard Keynes and he told us "it's clear that Hodgson applies my economic theories into football management. I suggest that individual micro-economic decisions that may seem rational in themselves can lead to inefficiency at macro-economic level and I believe that's as true in football as it is in global economic structures. Hodgson strikes me as someone who can take that macro overview and ensure that decisions taken lower down the tree do not interfere with the overall vision". Keynes went on to say "English football can be said to have been in a long-term recession - a depression even - and only this ability to micro-manage at the bottom level without distorting the overall vision is going to get them out of it. Economically speaking, this is exactly the right move".
Kim Kardashian was unavailable for comment, but is said to not hold a grudge.
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