Lloyds boss aims to corner fraud market

António Horta-Osório, chief executive of Lloyds Banking Group, hit out against fraudulent claims for compensation in relation to mis-selling of payment protection insurance, PPI, the biggest racket going in banking during the 1990s and early 2000s.

Horta-Osório alleges that 25% of claims for compensation submitted by claims management firms are for customers who did not have products with the banks against which claims were being made. "We have to stop this", said Horta-Osório, "this is fraud. This is stepping into an environment that we had cornered with PPI in the first place and I'll be damned if I'm going to stand by and let these fly-by-nights muscle in on our territory".

PPI was sold in large amounts to people who never requested it, bundled up with loans and other financial products. It was sold to people who would never have qualified for it - the self-employed, for example - and was rarely paid out on, so restrictive were the terms. However, selling it in large amounts and never paying out on it swelled bank profits to record highs, masking the true extent of liabilities in other areas such as the US sub-prime mortgage market and complex collateralised debt obligations which helped bring the world banking system - capitalism itself - to the brink of collapse in 2008.

"As head of one of the major banking groups in the UK", Horta-Osório continued, "it is up to me to ensure we maintain a competitive advantage in those fields in which we excel. We excel in fleecing people for everything they've got and splurging the proceeds on yachts in Monte Carlo and we will be working very hard to limit payouts on past frauds while striving to create new ones that won't come to light for a number of years by which time most of the senior executives will have retired to the tax haven of their choosing".

Lloyds Banking Group is 41% owned by the public, something Horta-Osório was quick to asknowledge. "We must never forget the genrosity of the British taxpayer to bail out a failing insitution - a failing industry. And we'll be tapping them up again when our next big scam brings capitalism to it's knees" he concluded before jetting off in his solid gold spaceship.

Massive fraudster convicted of doing a massive fraud

A massive fraudster was today found guilty of doing a massive fraud to the tune of $7bn.

For two decades, Allen Stanford had been conducting his massive fraud before it collapsed under the weight of his massively fraudulent dealings.

In an interview with our crime reporter, Standford said "Frankly I'm disappointed. The authorities weren't bothered that I was doing a really big fraud for 19 years. Then they get all antsy and say it's bad". He went on to rail against what he perceived as unfairness. "I offered people unrealistic returns in order that I could maintain my lavish, Walter Mitty-style existence. And if that's not the American dream, then I clearly don't understand the concept".

Stanford can be expected to ruminate on those thoughts for the rest of his natural life.