Tuesday, 9 March 2021

Piers Morgan still a twat despite saying something you agreed with last year

 TV irritant Piers Morgan is still a twat, according to new research, despite him having said something last year that you agreed with.

With many people having reassessed Morgan's twattishness on the back of saying something you agreed with over the last twelve months, research from The Institute Of Stating The Bleedin' Obvious shows that underlying levels of twattishness remained even during this period.

"With him having said something you agree with", Dr Todd Bonzalez from the institute told us, "his expected twattishness (xT) remained high throughout. You just thought it had dipped because he was, for a change, bullying someone you didn't like". 

The shock of adjusting back to the previous state of being aware just how much of a twat Piers Morgan is has clearly hit many quite hard. "I thought he had changed", said one member of the public, "when I saw him bawling out that pathetic twat Matt Hancock last year. But now he's had a crack at someone I'm mildly sympathetic to.. well we've all been duped haven't we?"

Dr Bonzalez says this is down purely to perception and low levels of expectation. "A slight plateau in an otherwise vertically-upward trend can appear to be a recession, especially when there are so many twats in the public eye as there have been over the last year. But Morgan's relentless twattishness really never went away and neither has his ability to make everything about him."

Tuesday, 11 August 2015

Foreign secretary makes desperate bid for attention

Political non-entity Philip Hammond today attempted to remind the populous that he both exists and holds a senior Cabinet position by echoing Enoch Powell.

Wednesday, 13 May 2015

Despots stunned as UK electorate votes to get rid of human rights

Despots from around the world have expressed shock as the UK electorate vote for the one party that wishes to scrap their human rights in an open and free election.

Friday, 20 February 2015

The forgotten victims of the coalition: the tax disc holder makers

The jobless, the disabled, the young: these are the faces of the victims of the brutal assault on social security by the coalition government. But the extent of austerity is felt much wider across society and it's taken until now for government policy to hit home to certain sections.
This week, we highlight an entire industry facing closure with thousands of jobs set to go with no sign of anything to replace them.

Wednesday, 18 February 2015

The REAL 50 things every man should know

The appearance of a list of things that all men should know has inevitably produced a number of counter-argued lists that, perhaps correctly, pointed out what a bland, beige, Coldplay existence the original author must live. Then those counter-argued lists started attracting counter-argued counter-arguments and as News Arse's mens editor likes a bandwagon as much as the next columnist, here's why all those other lists of 50 things every man should know are wrong and why these are the REAL 50 things every man should know.

Tuesday, 27 January 2015

TV election debates to include 'entire-voting age public'

After arguments about who should and should not be invited to the TV election debates, broadcasters have drawn up a plan that will see every member of the voting-age public of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland invited to participate.


Monday, 19 January 2015

American football fans admit 'we don't know what XLIX means'

As yesterday's Conference championship games fade into the memory and focus shifts to the Superbowl in a fortnight's time in Phoenix, fans of American football across the world have begun to admit that they don't know what XLIX means.