U-turn tax proposed by Treasury

A new tax on U-turns is being proposed by the Treasury as it seeks to plug the gaps appearing in the figures as a result of the number of U-turns performed by the government over the mosr recent Budget.

A senior civil servant in the Treasury told us that the plan would raise the same as the abandoning of levying VAT on hot baked goods, the reduction in the proposed rate of VAT on static caravans and the reversal of the proposal to allow people of offset tax against charitable donations. "By levying a flat fee on every member of the Cabinet every time they go back on something previously announced", our source told us, "the economy should be back in rude health by Q3 this year as we're anticipating a number of other reversals of their fucking stupid ideas in the near future".

The number of U-turns have left many people unsure where they stand, but our insider unpicked them for us. "It's really very simple. There's now no VAT on baked goods unless they're stored in such a way as to keep them warm rather than allow them to cool naturally" he told us. "That means you can eat a warm pasty inside a cold static caravan and offset that against your charitable giving, but only if you've got a buzzard's nest in the garden. However, a cold pasty inside a warm static caravan is VATable at 20% or 15% if you give a buzzard to charity but only then if the buzzard is cold. No, wait, hang on...." he said as he disappeared back into 1 Horse Guards Road muttering something about having to carry a pheasant.

Charities to accept donations not linked to tax offset

UK-based charities have responded to controversial changes to tax allowances by permitting would-be philanthropists to donate without being used as a tax efficiency vehicle.

Changes announced in the recent Budget speech sought to limit the amount of tax relief any individual can claim in total, including tax breaks on charitable giving. Charities, fearing a loss of income as a result, have been forced into a response. A spokeperson for the Charities Commission told us that "we will be instructing our members to start accepting donations from people not seeking to minimise their personal tax burden, but actually believe in the cause and wish to support it".

Previously, charities only sought to attract donors by outlining the potential returns to investors and will now have to change tack completely by "spelling out a cause for which people may be interested in, not because of financial gain, but because they actually care. It's a complete paradigm shift which we'll be helping our members come to terms with" said our spokesperson. "They'll have to shift focus away from creating complex financial instruments and tax vehicles and start thinking about raising money for good causes".