Plans for state-funded nannying "not nanny state" says Cameron

Coalition plans to introduce state-funded nannying are "in no way a return to the nanny state", a defiant David Cameron told critics today.

At the launch of the Can Parent initiative - something Steve Hilton phoned in before he disappeared to California in an attempt to 'find himself' - the Prime Minister denied this was in any way a case of government involving itself in things he'd previously said that goverment shouldn't be involved in.

"I may have spent years in opposition complaining about Labour interfering in people's daily lives, but this is completely different. This is government getting involved in people's entire lives, even before they're born." He continued, saying "it's a totally different ideology. Labour are wedded to the idea of a centrist state and their ideas on this same issue come from that. I'm coming at it from the perspective of saying and doing anything so people are momentarily distracted from the fact that I keep blaming the Eurozone for an economic mess when they're not in recession and we are. It's completely different."

"This is not the nanny state", he concluded, "but a state service instructing people in the art of nannying. It's totally different".

Mr Hilton was unavailable for comment as he was roller-blading down Santa Monica beach whilst wearing a stupidly small pair of cut-off jeans.

Coalition policies "massive April fools"

A memo leaked to this website has revealed that government policy has been a huge April fools gag that combined extraordinary planning, but "was completely worth it".

"It's ridiculous", a coalition insider told us, "that so many people actually believed all that bollocks about taxing pasties, selling off the health service and giving big handouts to people who don't need it. I can't believe we pulled this off".

The level of planning is explained in a huge amount of detail in the leaked documents, the original idea mooted as early as 2009. "We thought people would get wise to it when we announced we were going into coalition with the Lib Dems", our contact explained, "and bless them they've done their bit with that whole 'no tuition fees' schtick. But as more of these obvious gags got past an unsuspecting public, we got more and more brazen. I mean, borrowing a horse from the Metropolitan police? Telling people to store volatile, flammable substances in garden sheds? Seriously?"

The fear now is that in an effort to outdo this prank, the stakes have been raised with Labour insiders briefing that "you should see what we're going to do in Iran on April 1 2016".

Osborne offers hope to beleaguered wealthy

With the Budget around the corner, Chancellor George Osborne today offered hope to the beleaguered wealthy with a hint that the top rate of income tax - currently 50p in the pound - is to be cut to 40.

Answering claims that this is an unfunded tax cut, Osborne retorted by pointing out the many areas that spending has fallen in order to pay for it. "By cutting funds from luxuries like libraries, schools, hospitals and the poor, we can make this gesture to those that have, so far, borne the brunt of the burden of generating extra tax revenues in difficult times".

"It's not a question of penalising those at the bottom end", continued the man somehow entrusted with the public purse, "more a case of rewarding those that have contributed to the success of the British economy as it slides towards another recession. However, if we can give the poor a good kicking while we're at it, so much the better. After all, we are the Conservative party and that is what we presume we weren't quite elected to do".

"We are all in this together", the Chancellor said before adding "but some of us are in it more than others".