Murdoch reminds Leveson inquiry who the real victims are

In his testimony to the Leveson inquiry on media standards and ethics today, Rupert Murdoch reminded everyone who the real victims are. "One or two people", he said during his second day of testomny, "took charge of a cover-up which we [senior News International executives] were victim too".

"Naturally, this changes everything", professor of journalism Dr Daley Mayall of the University of the New Age told us after Mr Murdoch concluded giving evidence. "It's clear that the general consensus on all of this has been totally misplaced. While everyone was worrying about what effect News International's actions had on the family of a murdered schoolgirl, on families of dead servicepeople, on members of the public who have seen relationships break down, families fall apart... We were totally off beam and should have been more concerned for the fortunes of those at the top of NI that have stood to lose far more because of the actions of people who were, ultimately, accountable to them".

Lord Leveson intervened several times during Murdoch's evidence to bring the octagenarian billionaire tyrant back on track as he meandered on long lectures about the pernicious evil of the BBC and Google, lamenting the internet and pining for days when it was all fields round here and you could leave your door unlocked. Asked directly about his ideas for press regulation in the future, Murdoch replied "It's like the time I took the ferry to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so I took the ferry to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. Give me five bees for a quarter, you'd say. Now where were we? Oh yeah: the important thing was I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones..." before everyone forgot what the initial question was.

This was reported to be one of Mr Murdoch's top three humblest days.

"No time to change course" says Chancellor

OECD figures released yesterday showed the UK economy slipped back into recession after two consecutive months of GDP contraction.

Grilled by MPs in the House, Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne defended his record and spelled out that his plan was the right one and that this was no time for a change of direction. "Doing precisely what we've done the previous eighteen times is precisely the last thing the economy will be expecting us to do this time", explained the Chancellor. "There is, however, one small problem - that everyone ends up poorer and out of work and the Prime Minister is worried that this may be depressing the population. So we're going to have a jolly good sports day in London in the summer to cheer everyone up."

On receipt of the latest figures from the OECD, the Chancellor is reported to have examined closely the breakdown of figures where construction was particularly hard-hit, largely because of the cancellation of large school-building projects, but this is one area Osborne is keen to keep on pounding into oblivion. "If we keep attacking where the economy is weakest", he told increasingly incredulous MPs, "the economy will think our reconnaisance is a total shambles. This will lull it into a sense of false security and then next week we can attack where the economy is horribly bloated and win the greatest victory since the Winchester Flower Arrangers beat Harrow by twelve sore bottoms to one".

He then put a pair of underpants on his head, shoved two pencils up his nose and left the chamber saying "wibble".

Minister takes full responsibility by sacking adviser

Culture secretary Jeremy Hunt took full responsibility for everything that happens in his department by getting rid of special adviser Adam Smith yesterday.

Hunt told parliament that he "take[s] responsibility for the DCMS as secretary of state, as laid down in the ministerial code. This also states that the secretary of state takes responsibility for the actions of any special advisers appointed by him, and that's why I fired him".

"While I may have had five days of meetings with News Corp executives in the United States immediately before the decision to move for a takeover of BSkyB, while I may have been in direct contact with News Corp lobbyist Frederic Michel, while I may have overseen a department using personal e-mail accounts so that civil servants were kept out of the loop, I can assure the House that sacking one adviser to the department has solved everything and we're absolutely A-OK now, oh dear me yes", concluded Hunt's statement.

Horses call for London Marathon changes

Following the death of a female runner just yards from the finish of Sunday's London Marathon, leading horses have called for changes to be made to the course.

The incident was the tenth fatality at the event since it's inception and the horse community has been quick to condemn the authorities for allowing the event to continue in it's current form. 1992 Grand National winner Party Politics told us that "the course is just too long. We've been saying it for years that it's unreasonable to expect people to run that far. Fatigue simply has to be a factor." The sheer number of participants - around 37,500 people contested this year's event - was brought up by Clan Royal, who finished third in the National behind Numbersixvalverde in 2006. "It's that crowded out there that you can easily get involved in someone else's incident. A reduction in numbers is paramount".

2011 runner-up Oscar Time highlighted the vast differences in ability in the field, saying "it's crazy that you've got some people going out and running it in little more than two hours when some traipse in over three times that. There has to be some sort of vetting procedure to ensure competitors are up to it."

Fifth of French voters do the election wrong

Around one-fifth of French voters woke on Monday morning with a sense of embarrasment and shame as they realised they'd done the election wrong by acting like complete and utter helmets.

The far-right Front National scooped a record 18% of votes in the first round - from a high turnout around the 80% mark - with many people seemingly confused that a party called Front National and led by someone called Le Pen is massively racist. "I feel such a fool" one voter told us. "I was going to vote for someone normal, but my hand jerked at the crucial moment and I ended up ticking the FN box. I'm going to practise my voting technique ahead of the second round in case I miss again and end up voting for that pipsqueak Sarkozy".

Another told us that he'd voted for Le Pen because "I assumed FN had dropped the old racism because this Le Pen is a woman and dresses well, not like her rather shabby father. Now I realise the truth, I am of course tremendously embarrassed".

In order to ensure a more orderly second round, many local councils are offering classes in electoral procedure ahead of the vote. "We will run dummy elections with a supervisor standing with the voter and offer support and advice to the voter", one mayor in a small town in the Dordogne told us. "After our town recorded almost a quarter of votes for FN, we want to ensure our citizens don't make that mistake again".

News Arse local: Mystery surrounds closure of Chinese restaurant

A Chinese buffet-style restaurant in Huddersfield remains shut today, some months after closing due to what a notice in the window says is an "electrical fault". All phone lines appear to be cut off adding to an air of mystery.

Just why anybody would go to a restaurant where food was left out under lights for an indeterminate length of time and why a food outlet with such a poor hygiene record remained open for so long are the big outstanding questions regarding the closure.

We sent a reporter up to the town to gauge local feeling. "They'd cook stuff", a market trader on a stall near the restaurant told us, "then just leave it out on trays for ages. That can't be right. No wonder the place is shut". Others told us of regular reports of vermin during the period the place was open for business, but no-one we spoke to ever admitted eating there. "Frankly", a passing shopper told our reporter, "it's totally baffling. I just don't know why anyone would give a shit".


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Met police to act on racism

After a number of high-profile episodes where the conduct of Metropolitan police officers has been called into question, senior officers are set to unveil a plan to tackle the problem head on.

The latest incident comes as black firefighter Edric Kennedy-Macfoy was allegedly dragged from his car and tasered by officers when trying to report and act of vandalism in the area. This is one of twelve racially aggravated incidents under investigation.

Senior officers have resolved to rectify this situation with immediate action. "We are instructing our officers to act more responsibly and sensitively when dealing with issues where race could be an issue", said a short statement. "Therefore, when such incidents as occurred to Mr Kennedy-Macfoy happen, it is incumbent on the officer involved to seek out a white person, drag them out of their car, taser them when they're walking away and concoct evidence of a crine that didn't happen to try and fit them up for something. And if that doesn't show we're fair and even-handed, nothing will".