With news of Soon-To-Not-Be-Sir-Any-More Fred Goodwin's de-dubbing, it's worth reminding readers of the noble traditions of the ceremony which Her Majesty the Queen will perform.
It begins with a letter sent to the soon to be defrocked knight, which is also ceremonially leaked to the major newspapers, summoning him to the palace to unreceive his award. This can happen many months prior to the ceremony and must be kept quiet, apart from those news organisations who are encouraged to print as many pictures of the nominee as possible, preferably with headlines such as "STICK YOUR KNIGHTHOOD UP YOUR ARSE, YOU MASSIVE FRAUD".
On the day of unappointment, the nominee should arrive at the palace a good hour beforehand to receive instruction from the footmen such as "you should hide your head in shame, you arsehole" and be dressed in the Sackcloth of Disnoblement. On being called through to the hall, the nominee enters, head bowed as the gathered attendees boo loudly and throw rotten tomatoes.
On arriving at the front, the nominee grovels and begs for Her Majesty to change her mind. She will snap back with "get up, you snivelling wretch" and the nominee will stand before her. A large wet fish (traditionally a pike from the lakes of the Royal Parks of London) is placed on each shoulder and used to slap the nominee firmly on both cheeks. Meanwhile, the Queen's Consort administers the ceremonial wedgie before crouching behind the nominee in order that Her Majesty may push him over. Guests are then permitted to administer a range of blows and kicks for a period of two minutes, ended by a blast on the Royal Flugel Horn.
The ceremony ends with the nominee being debagged and thrown onto the streets, the former knight now arising as plain old Mister. Truly, it is a moving ceremony and one we can expect to see more of now that the forfeiture committee has grown a pair.
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