Thursday 26 April 2012

Murdoch reminds Leveson inquiry who the real victims are

In his testimony to the Leveson inquiry on media standards and ethics today, Rupert Murdoch reminded everyone who the real victims are. "One or two people", he said during his second day of testomny, "took charge of a cover-up which we [senior News International executives] were victim too".

"Naturally, this changes everything", professor of journalism Dr Daley Mayall of the University of the New Age told us after Mr Murdoch concluded giving evidence. "It's clear that the general consensus on all of this has been totally misplaced. While everyone was worrying about what effect News International's actions had on the family of a murdered schoolgirl, on families of dead servicepeople, on members of the public who have seen relationships break down, families fall apart... We were totally off beam and should have been more concerned for the fortunes of those at the top of NI that have stood to lose far more because of the actions of people who were, ultimately, accountable to them".

Lord Leveson intervened several times during Murdoch's evidence to bring the octagenarian billionaire tyrant back on track as he meandered on long lectures about the pernicious evil of the BBC and Google, lamenting the internet and pining for days when it was all fields round here and you could leave your door unlocked. Asked directly about his ideas for press regulation in the future, Murdoch replied "It's like the time I took the ferry to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so I took the ferry to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. Give me five bees for a quarter, you'd say. Now where were we? Oh yeah: the important thing was I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones..." before everyone forgot what the initial question was.

This was reported to be one of Mr Murdoch's top three humblest days.

"No time to change course" says Chancellor

OECD figures released yesterday showed the UK economy slipped back into recession after two consecutive months of GDP contraction.

Grilled by MPs in the House, Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne defended his record and spelled out that his plan was the right one and that this was no time for a change of direction. "Doing precisely what we've done the previous eighteen times is precisely the last thing the economy will be expecting us to do this time", explained the Chancellor. "There is, however, one small problem - that everyone ends up poorer and out of work and the Prime Minister is worried that this may be depressing the population. So we're going to have a jolly good sports day in London in the summer to cheer everyone up."

On receipt of the latest figures from the OECD, the Chancellor is reported to have examined closely the breakdown of figures where construction was particularly hard-hit, largely because of the cancellation of large school-building projects, but this is one area Osborne is keen to keep on pounding into oblivion. "If we keep attacking where the economy is weakest", he told increasingly incredulous MPs, "the economy will think our reconnaisance is a total shambles. This will lull it into a sense of false security and then next week we can attack where the economy is horribly bloated and win the greatest victory since the Winchester Flower Arrangers beat Harrow by twelve sore bottoms to one".

He then put a pair of underpants on his head, shoved two pencils up his nose and left the chamber saying "wibble".

Minister takes full responsibility by sacking adviser

Culture secretary Jeremy Hunt took full responsibility for everything that happens in his department by getting rid of special adviser Adam Smith yesterday.

Hunt told parliament that he "take[s] responsibility for the DCMS as secretary of state, as laid down in the ministerial code. This also states that the secretary of state takes responsibility for the actions of any special advisers appointed by him, and that's why I fired him".

"While I may have had five days of meetings with News Corp executives in the United States immediately before the decision to move for a takeover of BSkyB, while I may have been in direct contact with News Corp lobbyist Frederic Michel, while I may have overseen a department using personal e-mail accounts so that civil servants were kept out of the loop, I can assure the House that sacking one adviser to the department has solved everything and we're absolutely A-OK now, oh dear me yes", concluded Hunt's statement.

Monday 23 April 2012

Horses call for London Marathon changes

Following the death of a female runner just yards from the finish of Sunday's London Marathon, leading horses have called for changes to be made to the course.

The incident was the tenth fatality at the event since it's inception and the horse community has been quick to condemn the authorities for allowing the event to continue in it's current form. 1992 Grand National winner Party Politics told us that "the course is just too long. We've been saying it for years that it's unreasonable to expect people to run that far. Fatigue simply has to be a factor." The sheer number of participants - around 37,500 people contested this year's event - was brought up by Clan Royal, who finished third in the National behind Numbersixvalverde in 2006. "It's that crowded out there that you can easily get involved in someone else's incident. A reduction in numbers is paramount".

2011 runner-up Oscar Time highlighted the vast differences in ability in the field, saying "it's crazy that you've got some people going out and running it in little more than two hours when some traipse in over three times that. There has to be some sort of vetting procedure to ensure competitors are up to it."

Fifth of French voters do the election wrong

Around one-fifth of French voters woke on Monday morning with a sense of embarrasment and shame as they realised they'd done the election wrong by acting like complete and utter helmets.

The far-right Front National scooped a record 18% of votes in the first round - from a high turnout around the 80% mark - with many people seemingly confused that a party called Front National and led by someone called Le Pen is massively racist. "I feel such a fool" one voter told us. "I was going to vote for someone normal, but my hand jerked at the crucial moment and I ended up ticking the FN box. I'm going to practise my voting technique ahead of the second round in case I miss again and end up voting for that pipsqueak Sarkozy".

Another told us that he'd voted for Le Pen because "I assumed FN had dropped the old racism because this Le Pen is a woman and dresses well, not like her rather shabby father. Now I realise the truth, I am of course tremendously embarrassed".

In order to ensure a more orderly second round, many local councils are offering classes in electoral procedure ahead of the vote. "We will run dummy elections with a supervisor standing with the voter and offer support and advice to the voter", one mayor in a small town in the Dordogne told us. "After our town recorded almost a quarter of votes for FN, we want to ensure our citizens don't make that mistake again".

Friday 20 April 2012

News Arse local: Mystery surrounds closure of Chinese restaurant

A Chinese buffet-style restaurant in Huddersfield remains shut today, some months after closing due to what a notice in the window says is an "electrical fault". All phone lines appear to be cut off adding to an air of mystery.

Just why anybody would go to a restaurant where food was left out under lights for an indeterminate length of time and why a food outlet with such a poor hygiene record remained open for so long are the big outstanding questions regarding the closure.

We sent a reporter up to the town to gauge local feeling. "They'd cook stuff", a market trader on a stall near the restaurant told us, "then just leave it out on trays for ages. That can't be right. No wonder the place is shut". Others told us of regular reports of vermin during the period the place was open for business, but no-one we spoke to ever admitted eating there. "Frankly", a passing shopper told our reporter, "it's totally baffling. I just don't know why anyone would give a shit".


Got local news needing the News Arse treatment? Let us know on our twitter feed.

Met police to act on racism

After a number of high-profile episodes where the conduct of Metropolitan police officers has been called into question, senior officers are set to unveil a plan to tackle the problem head on.

The latest incident comes as black firefighter Edric Kennedy-Macfoy was allegedly dragged from his car and tasered by officers when trying to report and act of vandalism in the area. This is one of twelve racially aggravated incidents under investigation.

Senior officers have resolved to rectify this situation with immediate action. "We are instructing our officers to act more responsibly and sensitively when dealing with issues where race could be an issue", said a short statement. "Therefore, when such incidents as occurred to Mr Kennedy-Macfoy happen, it is incumbent on the officer involved to seek out a white person, drag them out of their car, taser them when they're walking away and concoct evidence of a crine that didn't happen to try and fit them up for something. And if that doesn't show we're fair and even-handed, nothing will".

Wednesday 18 April 2012

Media discover 'fracking' sounds a bit rude

The UK media suddnely became interested in the controersial drilling technique of hydraulic fracturing when they realised collectively that the more common name for the technique - fracking - sounds a bit rude.

"There's all this technical stuff about high pressure water jets creating fissures in rock and causing earth tremors, highly carcinogenic chemicals pumped in to release gas, pollution of aquifers, pollution of the air, the extreme pressure on water resources at a time when half the country is officially in drought and blahdy blahdy blah, but that's really tedious" a newspaper industry insider told us, "but then someone said that they called this process 'fracking' and we thought 'that sounds a bit like fucking' and figured our readers would be interested in that".

Headlines began to crop up the morning after a government commissioned scientific report was released appearing to back the expansion of the technique to release gas in shale rock which, it is estimated, could sate UK demand for many decades, perhaps up to 100 years. The Guardian went with "This is the fracking truth", "Fracking bonanza" was the FT's verdict while the cartoon in the Independent went with "It's not the fracking drilling... It's your fracking budget". The Daily Hate went with "Frack off", the Knee-Jerker with "You must be fracking crazy" and The Express with "Did fracking cause the death of Princess Diana?".

"Basically", said our mole, "it's a lot of pent-up frustration at not being able to put 'fuck' on the front page and this has given Fleet Street some much-needed relief".

Tuesday 17 April 2012

Plot of new Tarantino film revealed

Filming is underway on a new Quentin Tarantino film and our film industry insider Spartacus Titanic has been given the lowdown.

Tarantino's new movie is based around an obscure South Korean film from the early 1990s that you've never heard of, or some low-budget spaghetti western from the mid-60s that you've also never heard of. It's been updated to a contemporary style, though set in an indeterminate era, and features snappy dialogue and a hipster soundtrack.

The cast features loads of people you've seen in lots of other Tarantino films and are dressed in appropriately hipster-ish gear, though many question marks over the historical accuracy of set, dress, surroundings and soundtrack remain.

Tarantino will make a cameo appearance and look a bit awkward while doing it and there'll be lots of guns. It promises to be a cracker!

Monday 16 April 2012

Charities to accept donations not linked to tax offset

UK-based charities have responded to controversial changes to tax allowances by permitting would-be philanthropists to donate without being used as a tax efficiency vehicle.

Changes announced in the recent Budget speech sought to limit the amount of tax relief any individual can claim in total, including tax breaks on charitable giving. Charities, fearing a loss of income as a result, have been forced into a response. A spokeperson for the Charities Commission told us that "we will be instructing our members to start accepting donations from people not seeking to minimise their personal tax burden, but actually believe in the cause and wish to support it".

Previously, charities only sought to attract donors by outlining the potential returns to investors and will now have to change tack completely by "spelling out a cause for which people may be interested in, not because of financial gain, but because they actually care. It's a complete paradigm shift which we'll be helping our members come to terms with" said our spokesperson. "They'll have to shift focus away from creating complex financial instruments and tax vehicles and start thinking about raising money for good causes".

Friday 13 April 2012

Opening up to democracy "seriously harms" Burma's F1 bid

Formula 1 supremo Bernie Ecclestone told a meeting of motorsport's governing body, the FIA, that Burma's recent elections and slow steps towards democracy "seriously harms" Rangoon's bid to host a round of the world championship.

With Bahrain getting the go-ahead after a glowing report from disgraced former Metropolitan Police chief John Yates of the Yard, it was thought that any regime that didn't clamp down on opposition politicians and a free press and indulge in kidnap, arbitrary arrest, torture, tear-gassing of protests and extra-judicial killings would not be a welcome stop-off for the F1 circus.

"Bahrain exemplifies everything we wish to reflect in the sport", a spokesman for Ecclestone told us after the meeting, "and anyone wishing to be a part of the sport has to adhere to those ideals. Frankly, Burma are going exactly the wrong way about it. There are reasons that we're in China, Abu Dhabi, Singapore, Malaysia and Bahrain and reasons why we're going to Russia in 2014".

Existing hosts of races are also under pressure to apply similar principles with Britain jailing people for posting messages on Twitter and Facebook and the USA maintaining it's record of executing it's citizens, but others are under pressure to do likewise. "Frankly", said the spokesman, "if Belgium don't start locking people up for no reason, then we'll drop them for Saudi Arabia or Swaziland as soon as look at them".

Thursday 12 April 2012

Blair stunned as he remembers all that stuff he did

After admitting yesterday that he had "no recollection" of the rendition of Abdel Hakim Belhaj to Libya during in his time in office, today declared himself "stunned" as someone sat him down and told him about all the things he did in office.

A spokesman for Blair's foundation told this website that Blair was "rocking himself and crying like a baby" when he was told that he'd helped launch two intractable wars with little to no legal or moral basis and that British territories in the Indian Ocean were used as stop-off points as people were snatched illegally and transported around the world for torture. "He kept pleading with me that it wasn't true", said the spokesman, "reckoning that it couldn't possibly be true that he'd done that if they'd ended up making him a peace envoy".

"He remembered stuff about minimum wages and that soundbite in Northern Ireland about 'the hand of history'", Blair's spokesman continued, "but really didn't recall being majorly responsible for riding roughshod over international law with the outcome of such a huge loss of life". Blair was then informed of the massive tent he authorised for the turn of the year 2000 and the swath of disastrous PFI deals that were kept off the government balance sheet. "He just broke down again, weeping 'I don't remember' over and over".

"I daren't tell him about his cosy relationship with News International and what's gone on there lately", the spokesman concluded.

Tuesday 10 April 2012

Osborne "shocked" at wealth of rich people

The Chancellor George Osborne today expressed his surprise at revelations that rich people have more money than poor people.

"I was shocked to see that some of the very wealthiest people in the country have substantially more money than some of the very poorest" said the two-time winner of the Eton prize for boy least likely to do sums correctly. "Having seen some tax returns and seeing how little these people paid in income tax, I naturally assumed that they were extremely poor" he said in an interview with the Telegraph.

Osborne also expressed surprise about other things in the interview, such as the Pope's stated religion and what it is that bears do in the woods. "They're actually shitting in there?", he said. "Get outta here".

Tuesday 3 April 2012

James Murdoch to "step aside"

BSkyB announced today that non-executive chairman James Murdoch is to step aside.

In a short press release, the pay TV company say that Murdoch, son of News Corp supremo Rupert, will be asked to "step to one side, shortly after being placed next to the edge of Beachy Head. It's the only way to stop him being a complete and utter liability to the company".

This is not the first time Murdoch junior has stepped aside. After the embarrassing performance in front of the culture, media and sport select committee and his subsequent recall, he was relinquished his post with News International and stepped aside. However, the thing he stepped aside off was not high enough and he was able to continue in his role with BSkyB. Now, however, sources tell us they've found something for him to step aside off that will ensure he can no longer do anything that will harm the future of his father's companies.

Ministers plan to do "something" with technology

Ministers today announced plans to do "something" with e-mails and internet communications.

"We want to do something", a Cabinet insider told this website. "One of the senior Cabinet members' son does something with computers so we'll ask him, but none of us really know how these things work". The extent of the lack of knowledge became apparent as the muddy, vague proposals were unveiled.

'We want to look at everything you do online, but not store it anywhere as the word database is not politically expedient after we've buggered up so many other ones' runs an extract from the white paper. Phrases like 'on demand' and 'real time' are thrown in with no clear evidence that it's anything but buzzword bingo. "Look", said our insider, "if we invoke paedophilia - because even paedos use computers - we reckon we can get away with anything. Besides, we've got a big IT budget and we're determined to do something with it, even if we have no understanding of the technology that's around at the moment".

Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg said "I am totally opposed, totally opposed to the idea of Governments reading people’s emails at will or creating a totally new central Government database" and is therefore expected to wave it through with no complaints. Conservative MP for Haltemprice and Howden David Davis is widely expected to resign his seat before winning it again unopposed shortly afterwards.

Sunday 1 April 2012

Coalition policies "massive April fools"

A memo leaked to this website has revealed that government policy has been a huge April fools gag that combined extraordinary planning, but "was completely worth it".

"It's ridiculous", a coalition insider told us, "that so many people actually believed all that bollocks about taxing pasties, selling off the health service and giving big handouts to people who don't need it. I can't believe we pulled this off".

The level of planning is explained in a huge amount of detail in the leaked documents, the original idea mooted as early as 2009. "We thought people would get wise to it when we announced we were going into coalition with the Lib Dems", our contact explained, "and bless them they've done their bit with that whole 'no tuition fees' schtick. But as more of these obvious gags got past an unsuspecting public, we got more and more brazen. I mean, borrowing a horse from the Metropolitan police? Telling people to store volatile, flammable substances in garden sheds? Seriously?"

The fear now is that in an effort to outdo this prank, the stakes have been raised with Labour insiders briefing that "you should see what we're going to do in Iran on April 1 2016".